allnostalgia | Between Romanticized Realities and Realistic Dreams

I

People don’t see it but growing up doesn’t make you any more eligible for love.

Sometimes you have to consider that no matter how much you want to sacrifice for the one you love, you’d still choose to go for your dreams before them.

Between romanticized realities and realistic dreams is a pool that drowns you in wavering and the only force that can save you is the painful decision to begin being mature enough to take a step out of the way and leave love aside to go back to later. That is, if its still there when you do.

II

Imperfection is constant. There will always be something lacking.

Sooyoung was a fresh graduate, continuing internships in a couple of studios as an art director’s assistant or a production manager’s assistant. She got offers to lead shoots ever since she got in and it helped her build a name for herself despite being too exclusive. Maybe its talent that brought her there. That, though, she didn’t want to believe, she didn’t want to her head.

She lived a simple life, going out once in a while to refresh herself in a different environment. A job in the studio could get boring in the long run. That’s why she was more passionate about outdoor concepts, it was obviously more stimulating than a controlled room with air conditioners, cool lights and backdrops.

Her phone rang in the middle of checking for damages on props after another photo shoot. “Hm?” She answered, “Oh hey, Changmin! You got back already?” She put the phone between her ear and shoulder as she continued to arrange the items to be delivered back to the sponsors the next morning. “I’m just finishing these last errands, okay? You’ll drop by later?” She breathed heavily after Changmin hang up. She misses him a great deal.

III

Nothing’s unstable but you can feel everything bursting at the seems.

It gets old when all you do is try to make some time for each other. When meeting each other meant settling on the kitchen table as you ate snacks for about thirty minutes because that’s all the time you have left for each other. But you can’t let chances pass when its your future at stake, both of you know that, that’s why you try hard to be contented with these half-hour meet ups in the middle of the night before you sleep and wake up a couple of hours later.

IV

Too many second chances. When one loves the other too much to let go and the other deserves them all but somehow, at some point, both of you learn that it won’t really save what you’ve been trying to protect.

Sooyoung left for an out-of-town shoot on the eve of Changmin’s birthday. Just by the sound of it, Changmin and his family knew it wasn’t going to be a happy one for him. Well, not as happy as the ones he spent with his family and his girlfriend.

His definition of time running out is different. He began to question why there were only twenty-four hours in a day. If there were more, then there’d be time for Changmin to see her and the other way around.

Maybe it was another factor that he worked only in the day as a surgeon’s assistant while Sooyoung worked more than office hours required.

The door opened slowly. “Come in, dear. I think he’s in the balcony.” Changmin’s father spoke, eyes dilating at the harsh brightness of the lights in the welcoming area of their house, “Go up and interrupt his moments with his bottle of beer, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind.”

“Thank you, Uncle.” Changmin’s dad was a good man, open-minded and all. When his son introduced Sooyoung to the family, he was a little puzzled. An artist and a doctor had a huge gap of differences, don’t they? He wasn’t sure at first, but he figured the two should pass the test of time themselves.

“Keep calling me that, I’ll never let you marry my son.” Mr. Shim joked, “Sooyoung, feel free to call me Dad. Come up, now, Changmin’s been waiting all night, I suppose. You know what you owe him.”

For some reason, it was weird hearing that from a father. But wouldn’t you rather be thankful for that kind of an in-law.

The breeze was colder up there. She worried that Changmin might catch a cold. Approaching the boy seated on a chair pulled near the railing with his feet up, she could feel her heart melting with that tinge of guilt. She’d never missed a birthday since they started dating. Four birthdays, that was, and she had to miss the fifth because of work. “Min, I’m sorry.” She whispered as she knelt beside the chair and held the tipsy boy in her arms.

Changmin brought an arm around her waist, “It’s okay.” Squeezed her in his arms more, engulfed in the warmth he had missed. A few moments passed before Changmin pulled back.

“I- I’m sorry, I didn’t make it to your birthday.” She can’t look at him, head looking down at her feet. Hoping for anything but silent, good treatment.

“Let it go, you’re here now, right?” Sooyoung reached a hand out to hold Changmin’s. She figured, he must’ve drank a lot because he’s being sweet and all, but she didn’t mind.

“Come on, baby. You’re nose is already stuffy.” Sooyoung pulled the tall boy off the chair, his arms automatically slumping over her shoulder. He was heavy alright, but it was one of those times Sooyoung was thankful she could take care of him. A way she knew she could prove she’s still there for him.

“Sooyoungie~” He called her name softly as she wiped his skin clean and dressed him up with the pyjamas that matched the pair she owned. It was weird when Changmin’s had a lot to drink, he turns into a mopey kid. Leaning into touches and not letting go, whining but still he could get the snark up in a conversation.

“But Min, I have to go home. I-” Changmin let her hand go. The tinge of guilt spreading as goosebumps all over her skin. See? Mopey kid upscaled to brat now.

She pressed a palm over her forehead and rubbed her cheeks as she breathed deeply. Thinking and thinking of how she could make up for this. She can’t just always make use of the boy’s weaknesses, right? She had to, at some point, prove her strengths to him to remind him why she was confident about their relationship.

“You’re tired. You can’t drive home anymore.” His voice had a mix of disappointment and sleepiness, but it was there none the less. She heard it and convinced herself she could make up a story and call in sick the next day.

She changed into his home clothes, and the next thing she knew, his arms were over her tiny waist.

“Changmin?” The boy kissed her nape but didn’t respond anymore. Changmin wanted to sleep. Like how he’d deal with these little short-comings all the time, he’d sleep it off and in the morning he’ll convince himself that he’s one hundred percent okay.

Sooyoung woke up early the next day to Changmin’s calm face. She checked the time on his nightstand and called her boss’s secretary to confirm she wasn’t coming in that day. A smile crept up her face as she cuddled up to him, a lithe arm hovering a firm stomach.

V

Its not always just the right love at the right time. People forget you gotta have the right circumstances, too.

Here comes the pain, a couple of months later. “You know, we could take a break instead of stressing ourselves even more.” It was bound to happen, isn’t it? Sooyoung thought, convincing herself that she’s sure Changmin had thought of this too but didn’t want to hurt her. Sooyoung never wanted to hurt him either, but lately its what had been happening. Unintentionally, yes, but it wasn’t all that inevitable, too.

Sooyoung didn’t want to break up. But if Changmin was tired of all these conflicts then she’d give him what he wanted instead of keeping what she needed herself. “I guess you’re right.” He answered, head hung low, voice a little softer and huskier than usual. Changmin lift her face up by the chin and wiped Sooyoung’s tears even before they fell past those rosy cheeks.

“I wouldn’t do this if I was selfish, you know that. And-“

“You don’t have to explain yourself, of course, I understand. I just- I never prepared myself for this. I thought I was stronger than this. We- I thought we could get over these things together.”

“I’m sorry.” Soft sobs made her voice quite inaudible. “For not being strong enough. I shouldn’t be crying.”

“Sooyoung, crying doesn’t make you weak. Refusing to let this go does. Maybe-”

“In due time, do you think we can make it?”

He smiled, ruffling the tall girl’s hair a mess.

Sooyoung hugged Changmin and he waited until she was able to stop her tears. He breathed heavily as she leaned away, “Call me when you get home. Hm?”

VI

Passion is a good distraction. You do what you want, get what you want, and it stops you from thinking of things you don’t want to think of.

Days turned into weeks. By then Sooyoung was kept by the company she worked as an intern for and had her first stable job as a member of the Production Team.

“You staying til late tonight?” Kyuhyun, one of those co-interns who got a position there too, asked him.

“Yeah, I’ll finish everything so I don’t have to go earlier tomorrow.”

“Aren’t you getting anything to eat, at least?”

“Hm?” Sooyoung looked up at the tall young man a few feet away from him, “I just ate a while ago.”

“A while ago, you mean when we all ate before leaving the studio?” she nodded, “Its eleven-forty in case you didn’t notice. We left the studio at seven.”

She gaped. If Changmin had known, he’s be angry and appalled that Sooyoung actually skipped dinner.

Kyuhyun shook his head slowly, “You should set an alarm for meals if you don’t want to get sick.” He said before leaving the oblivious girl to her thoughts.

VII

You just know when it isn’t time for new people in your life.

Weeks passed by and by. She wasn’t all too oblivious anymore so she was careful. She wasn’t too kind in the office anymore, she talked back at those who used to think she’s some sort of angel who’d do favors for any of them. And she made sure, that Kyuhyun wouldn’t get the wrong idea whenever she was in the same room with him, alone.

“Are you going to avoid me for the rest of your life?”

Sooyoung stopped on her track, “I will until you know your place. I already told you I’m attached with someone.”

“But he’s not your boyfriend, technically, what makes seeing me wrong?”

“I- Kyuhyun, I can’t think of another way to say this so I’ll just say it, okay? I don’t like you like that, I’m sorry.”

“Couldn’t you give me a chance, at least?”

VIII

Consistency and persistence. They’re neither good nor bad. Depends.

Somehow, feelings set aside wouldn’t mean as much to you when inconsistency wins you over. Losing obligations mean freedom. And freedom? It was meant to be abused.

Changmin didn’t call her as often anymore, and neither does she keep contact with him. He’s busy, she figured since he doesn’t make time to call Sooyoung anymore. It never crossed her mind that maybe, Changmin’s waiting for her to call.

Things slipped out of their hold unconsciously. All the same, she’d spent more time with Kuhyun because he wasn’t so bad after all.

“Don’t you find it wrong?” Sooyoung’s wondered how the boy must have felt.

“Find what wrong?” They walked shoulder to shoulder, “This?”

She nodded, “I know, you know, I know you’re smart enough to figure out why this is happening, right?”

“For some reason, I don’t mind. Aren’t you happy?”

She doesn’t answer.

“You feel guilty, means you actually care a little.”

IX

When you’re smooth-sailing and then you realize you have no destination in mind, what do you do?

Sweet, sweet holidays and leaves of absences sounded relaxing but it marked the beginning of chaos.

They saw each other again a few days before Christmas. Shopping for presents is all. Kyuhyun called in the middle of their spree. “Kyuhyun? What’s up?” She signaled an excuse me towards Changmin before walking to a quiet part of the department store, not too far away. Changmin continued looking around. This time, trying to ease that little bit of tension in his head.

By the time Sooyoung got back to him, he was silent and he didn’t open his mouth the rest of the day except for lunch.

“Why is this so awkward?” she asked nonchalantly. He shrugged, continuing to devour the tasteful meal. “Is this about that phone call?”

Changmin stopped chewing for a second and looked up to Sooyoung, who wasn’t looking his way. The girl opposite him heaved a deep breath and took a sip from her drink. “Who’s he?” He finally spoke.

“Kyuhyun? I thought I’ve told you about him?”

“You have, yes.” He shot her a look, an eyebrow slightly raised as if telling her you can’t fool me, I know you more than anyone else. of course Sooyoung knew what he meant already.

“I don’t know.”

X

You’ve changed, he’s changed, that motherfucker’s changed too! But guess what? None of it’s gonna make it on the headlines of your personal morning paper. Or maybe he does.

“You’re keeping something from me, I can tell.” Kyuhyun sat beside her on the couch, automatically letting her lay her head on his lap. “We can talk about it whenever you want. If you ever want to.”

“I don’t get why he’s upset. I mean, we’re in an open relationship. He asked for this, I gave it to him. What’s the point of being in this kind of relationship if he’ll get upset over us going out together?”

Sooyoung liked Kyuhyun, that’s it. She just wasn’t sure of what brought about those feelings because he was the one there when Changmin wasn’t or she was really drawn to the boy. What’s not to like about Kyuhyun? She couldn’t figure out herself.

“He’ll never let go of you. I thought you knew that?” Sooyoung looked at him, the expression on her face saying what-the-fuck-is-this-fuckery?-you’re-supposed-to-be-on-my-side! “I know, but its true!” Kyuhyun tried hard not to laugh. As much as Changmin was beginning to be entertaining, he’d never let his guard down on Sooyoung.

“I can’t move if he’s gonna be watching everything I do. It’s sick! Confusing!”

Kyuhyun sighed. Thinking twice. Maybe Sooyoung was right. It wasn’t really fair for him.

XI

Wake up, reality’s waiting.

It was a teensy bit saddening but relieving. Kyuhyun chose to hide his love away, this time. And when he did, he noticed Sooyoung lighten up. Not the same stressed aura, a wittier mindset and a glowing presence. It hurt, sure did, but nobody had to know.

When she said thank you for understanding her, the boy could only force a smile and begin being the friend he said he’d be. It wasn’t easy but it was a sacrifice he’s willing to make for Sooyoung. And that, too, nobody will ever know about.

XII

You just know. Proof is how you feel.

It was in the middle of April when Changmin had that rare chance to be off duty that day. He decided to show up on Sooyoung’s door step and surprise her. It wasn’t like him, he knew that, and that would just be enough hint that he’d go out of his way for her still.

There wasn’t flowers and romantic scripted cheesiness. He contemplated on them, however, buying her ice cream felt more comfortable. Maybe, it would remind the girl how they used to be. Maybe.

He settled down on a stool across from her on the island kitchen counter. Watching as she devoured serving after serving of ice cream. “Are you sure you don’t want any?” She snapped him out of his trance. He scoffed, “I would’ve bought two tubs if I wanted some.”

“You didn’t even call me, I would’ve cooked something for you.” He just shrugged his shoulders, “It wouldn’t be a surprise then.” They just sat there, surrounded by that nice familiar comfortable silence.

XIII

Insecurities. Typical girls. People assume it figures, but what is a typical girl, anyway?

Sooyoung thought of every reason she could to figure out why Changmin suddenly shows up again after going awol on her for months. It didn’t do her good. The more she thought, the more she felt little pinches in her heart.

It was wrong, her reasons were wrong. But she couldn’t convince herself they were. She felt so little, she felt she no longer had the guts to face his parents again after breaking up, she felt like this is happening because Changmin knew how she couldn’t move on and so he’d come back out of pity.

“Mom’s inviting you for dinner tomorrow.” Sooyoung’s eyes widened in surprise, “You got a lot of explaining to do. She said you never visited again after we broke up.”

“But-”

“I’ll pick you up at, say, around eight thirty?” Changmin was smirking on the other end of the line.

“Changminnie...”

XIV

Assurances of a second time around.

Driving to Changmin’s parents’ home, Sooyoung told him about everything she’s been worrying about ever since they got in touch again. “Soo, get real. You’re an artist, they miss you, and- Hey, do you really think of me like that? I won’t waste time on people not important to me. I’d pass up a patient for you, just so you know.” Sooyoung hit him hard on the arm and he hissed.

“That’s stupid, I know you won’t do that.”

“What if I do, do it?” They arrive at the house. It looked the same, except for the plants on the lawn that have grown a lot prettier than their last visit together.

XV

Sometimes, you wouldn’t even have to try. You just realize its all served up to you on a silver platter. A chance.

Weeks took turns, one after another. If they could spend time dating like this again, maybe the time they were talking about over a year ago is coming around.

A/N: This one's requested by my friend, whom I do not know the LJ account of because none of my real life friends know of this account. I'll be posting this on asianfanfics.com for her. So.. yeah. Comments? I still don't know how I'm doing with this pairing...