Lights Go On Again
Tue, Nov. 23rd, 2010 11:25 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
allnostalgiaJAEJOONG
What’s more awkward than watching “500 Days of Summer” with your ex?
Need not answer that question.
Thing is, it started to sink in when I watched it with Yunho. The glory of randomness, oh how it excites a free spirit, right? We met by coincidence at the bus stop while I was on my way to the supermarket and he was on his way home from university.
We were pretty okay despite the fact we used to be lovers. I haven’t totally moved on honestly but I was too understanding to force him to get back with me and he knew that. I had told him I’d wait until he’s ready to take me back and it’s already been two years since that sad, sad break up.
We talked the whole bus ride, he asked if I had time for coffee and we went to the closest Starbucks to chat more. Its been almost a month since we last saw each other, but the first time in half a year that we were alone. “Have you seen 500 days?” he asked and I shook my head to answer no, “Do you think maybe we can go see it? Only if you have time, though.” I wasn’t thinking, I had no idea what the movie was about but I said yes.
The weekend came faster than I could process the whole plotline and I had a feeling it wasn’t gonna be a fun day out with a friend. It was gonna be awkward.
I was right.
*****
Another year in college began just a couple of weeks ago. A group of students from each block had to put up this year’s Best Thesis exhibit.
In all the ruckus of getting it done in one weekend, I was relaxed as a bum, I dazed as a bum and I stared as if it was the most fun thing there is to do in between the busy movements of humans.
“Jaejoong-ah,” his voice was calm but it had the tinge of firmness in it, “Is it okay if you moved over to the other side while we put up the mini-runway?” I looked at him blankly and I stood up, proceeding to helping them get the production design done. He smiled that mismatched eyes smile.
Come to think of it, that was the only thing I did for that exhibit. All day, I hung around and played with some of my block.
Since then, every time we’d come across each other he’d smile at me and I’ll smile whole-heartedly back at him. Changmin’s a nice guy. That’s all I knew about him then.
*****
It was the middle of the first term when my heart couldn’t take it anymore. I was restless. My headache won’t go away and I really felt like I was holding on to nothing.
I mustered all the courage I could and talked to him over the phone.
“Hello?” his voice was unmistakably filled with stress.
“Yunho, it’s me.”
“Yeah. You haven’t called in so long, I missed you.” I debated whether it was truth or something he just got used to saying.
“I have something to tell you…” I breathed silently so he won’t hear over the line.
“What’s wrong?”
“I know I haven’t made you feel it in months and being busy was always my excuse why we couldn’t see each other but…” I gulped before my tears made it down my cheeks, “I’m still in love with you.”
There was a long pause but he was still on the other line, I could hear him breathing.
“It’s sudden, I get it. I just wanted to remind you that I’m still where we left off.”
“Jaejoong.” Him saying my name, it doesn’t sound the same. There wasn’t love in it as far as I can conclude, there was only pity that I’ve kept waiting in those three years we were supposedly just friends even if we were in love.
“All I’m asking is for one last chance, Yunho. Say yes, I’ll prove to you nothing’s changed. Say no, and I’ll go.” I looked up to stifle sobs as tears threatened to fall again, endlessly this time.
“I do love you too, Jae. But it’s- You know, I don’t trust myself. The last time I did I-“ his sentence faltered, I knew he was over thinking and it wasn’t a good sign, I had to be ready to let go now, “Alright, let’s give this a try again.” He finally said and I can finally breathe again.
We took it one day at a time. I made it a point to meet with him even just for an hour during vacant periods and whenever our schedules would permit. It felt more relaxing than sleep, to be with him rather than in my room with all the to-do’s on my walls.
*****
“We’re going out tomorrow, I can’t drink with you.” Yoochun’s face lit up when I told him I’ve been meeting Yunho again. He said I was in for something good this time and that I should do my best to get what I deserve. He supported my love for Yunho and he joined me as well when I’d feel like there’s no hope for us to get back together anymore.
“Fine. But Saturday’s my day, alright?” I promised him and then we went home to take back all the sleep we missed the past days.
*****
I haven’t been able to meet with Yunho for five weeks already because finals was a hundred times more stressful now. Ad campaigns left and right, realistic paintings and corporate identities to defend. Goodbye, social life, indeed.
“Hey!” I knew that voice somewhere, “I haven’t seen you around lately, you look like a zombie now.”
“Yeah, living through power naps. You seem zombie-ish yourself.” I replied nonchalantly.
“It’s almost Halloween, anyway.” I laughed at that, then he smiled at me again. I realized that even with his eye bags and dark circles, he’s still good looking and really polite, not crazy and incoherent.
*****
A three-week vacation after finals meant three weeks of over-sleeping and pigging out.
I had met with Yoochun a couple of times for photowalks and drinks.
And Yunho. Let’s just say I never thought of him the same way ever again.
“He’s a douche.” Yoochun told me and my heart hurt a little because it was true.
“He changed a lot.” That was the only appropriate reply I could say without being contradicted.
Well, he turned into a douchebag, really. In Park Yoochun’s LOUD words I’d quote, “WHY DID HE SAY YES IF HE’S GONNA GO OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE? CAN’T HE HAVE A LITTLE RESPECT FOR YOU AT ALL? WHAT A SELFISH BASTARD! HE DOESN’T DESERVE YOU, JAE! YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER!” I had to look away because an angry Yoochun was scary.
The point is, was it true? Do I really deserve someone better despite the fact that someone left me? Someone leaving me makes me feel I’m not good enough, really.
A week had passed since I found out about him. He doesn’t try to talk to me. Maybe, he does have a little bit of that respect Yoochun was shouting about. Funny thing is, I didn’t give a shit about it anymore. I can’t remember the time I felt the stinging pain in my heart or if there really was that.
I wasn’t sure if I really felt hurt or it was all in my head that when someone replaces you when he’s supposedly in love with you, would hurt.
*****
One morning I woke up without the stinging headache I’ve had for months. I felt good. I felt light. I wondered why, but let it go. Does anyone need to find the reason why he’s suddenly happy when you’ve been down for the longest time? I think not.
Yoochun called me up that morning with his good news screaming in my ear. “JAE! JAE! JUNSU! HE! WE! ME AND JUNSU!” I know, it’s weird how he is when he’s utterly excited but being his best friend, I can figure out what he’s saying even without words.
“Congratulations, Chun! I’ll see you at school later, alright? Meet me up at the smoking area.”
There was a reason we understood each other well too much. A reason why we figured we might be soulmates, in cheese lingo. We can see through each other with ease and comfort. When I was down, no matter how happy he was, he’d lay low with me until he knows I’m strong enough to stand up on my own again. He never picks me up but he knows how to make me strong again. He was weirdly, by far, the wisest best friend I ever had.
*****
Christmas was around the corner and the cold made me feel lonesome all the more. Sometimes.
“You like him, don’t you?” Yoochun always knew but he needed to know why.
“Changmin?” he nodded with that spark in his eyes that seemed to say ‘Well duh?’, “Yeah, he’s a nice guy. He’s quiet. He’s smart with life. And he’s a football player.”
“I never thought someone would actually fit your definition of perfection.”
“Yeah, I know. I just hope I had chances with him. I never really know what he’s thinking.” I spoke all too casually about him because he always made me feel light and comfortable despite his mysterious persona.
“Why don’t you ask him out?”
I didn’t answer. Although, I’ve thought about that many times already.
*****
I was smoking outside a restaurant when Yunho and I crossed paths again. I said hi automatically and he was obviously shocked at how comfortable I was after everything that had happened between us.
“What’s up? We never catch up anymore.” He only smiled at my question shyly, seriously what’s that about. Somehow, it came to my mind that he regrets ever hurting me because I tend to become too kind to him.
“Just going out to buy take out, what about you?” He gained his composure, “What about we go out together tonight?” Just when he said it, Changmin pulls out of the restaurant after he’d paid our bills.
Awkward.
*****
Need not answer that question.
Thing is, it started to sink in when I watched it with Yunho. The glory of randomness, oh how it excites a free spirit, right? We met by coincidence at the bus stop while I was on my way to the supermarket and he was on his way home from university.
We were pretty okay despite the fact we used to be lovers. I haven’t totally moved on honestly but I was too understanding to force him to get back with me and he knew that. I had told him I’d wait until he’s ready to take me back and it’s already been two years since that sad, sad break up.
We talked the whole bus ride, he asked if I had time for coffee and we went to the closest Starbucks to chat more. Its been almost a month since we last saw each other, but the first time in half a year that we were alone. “Have you seen 500 days?” he asked and I shook my head to answer no, “Do you think maybe we can go see it? Only if you have time, though.” I wasn’t thinking, I had no idea what the movie was about but I said yes.
The weekend came faster than I could process the whole plotline and I had a feeling it wasn’t gonna be a fun day out with a friend. It was gonna be awkward.
I was right.
*****
Another year in college began just a couple of weeks ago. A group of students from each block had to put up this year’s Best Thesis exhibit.
In all the ruckus of getting it done in one weekend, I was relaxed as a bum, I dazed as a bum and I stared as if it was the most fun thing there is to do in between the busy movements of humans.
“Jaejoong-ah,” his voice was calm but it had the tinge of firmness in it, “Is it okay if you moved over to the other side while we put up the mini-runway?” I looked at him blankly and I stood up, proceeding to helping them get the production design done. He smiled that mismatched eyes smile.
Come to think of it, that was the only thing I did for that exhibit. All day, I hung around and played with some of my block.
Since then, every time we’d come across each other he’d smile at me and I’ll smile whole-heartedly back at him. Changmin’s a nice guy. That’s all I knew about him then.
*****
It was the middle of the first term when my heart couldn’t take it anymore. I was restless. My headache won’t go away and I really felt like I was holding on to nothing.
I mustered all the courage I could and talked to him over the phone.
“Hello?” his voice was unmistakably filled with stress.
“Yunho, it’s me.”
“Yeah. You haven’t called in so long, I missed you.” I debated whether it was truth or something he just got used to saying.
“I have something to tell you…” I breathed silently so he won’t hear over the line.
“What’s wrong?”
“I know I haven’t made you feel it in months and being busy was always my excuse why we couldn’t see each other but…” I gulped before my tears made it down my cheeks, “I’m still in love with you.”
There was a long pause but he was still on the other line, I could hear him breathing.
“It’s sudden, I get it. I just wanted to remind you that I’m still where we left off.”
“Jaejoong.” Him saying my name, it doesn’t sound the same. There wasn’t love in it as far as I can conclude, there was only pity that I’ve kept waiting in those three years we were supposedly just friends even if we were in love.
“All I’m asking is for one last chance, Yunho. Say yes, I’ll prove to you nothing’s changed. Say no, and I’ll go.” I looked up to stifle sobs as tears threatened to fall again, endlessly this time.
“I do love you too, Jae. But it’s- You know, I don’t trust myself. The last time I did I-“ his sentence faltered, I knew he was over thinking and it wasn’t a good sign, I had to be ready to let go now, “Alright, let’s give this a try again.” He finally said and I can finally breathe again.
We took it one day at a time. I made it a point to meet with him even just for an hour during vacant periods and whenever our schedules would permit. It felt more relaxing than sleep, to be with him rather than in my room with all the to-do’s on my walls.
*****
“We’re going out tomorrow, I can’t drink with you.” Yoochun’s face lit up when I told him I’ve been meeting Yunho again. He said I was in for something good this time and that I should do my best to get what I deserve. He supported my love for Yunho and he joined me as well when I’d feel like there’s no hope for us to get back together anymore.
“Fine. But Saturday’s my day, alright?” I promised him and then we went home to take back all the sleep we missed the past days.
*****
I haven’t been able to meet with Yunho for five weeks already because finals was a hundred times more stressful now. Ad campaigns left and right, realistic paintings and corporate identities to defend. Goodbye, social life, indeed.
“Hey!” I knew that voice somewhere, “I haven’t seen you around lately, you look like a zombie now.”
“Yeah, living through power naps. You seem zombie-ish yourself.” I replied nonchalantly.
“It’s almost Halloween, anyway.” I laughed at that, then he smiled at me again. I realized that even with his eye bags and dark circles, he’s still good looking and really polite, not crazy and incoherent.
*****
A three-week vacation after finals meant three weeks of over-sleeping and pigging out.
I had met with Yoochun a couple of times for photowalks and drinks.
And Yunho. Let’s just say I never thought of him the same way ever again.
“He’s a douche.” Yoochun told me and my heart hurt a little because it was true.
“He changed a lot.” That was the only appropriate reply I could say without being contradicted.
Well, he turned into a douchebag, really. In Park Yoochun’s LOUD words I’d quote, “WHY DID HE SAY YES IF HE’S GONNA GO OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE? CAN’T HE HAVE A LITTLE RESPECT FOR YOU AT ALL? WHAT A SELFISH BASTARD! HE DOESN’T DESERVE YOU, JAE! YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER!” I had to look away because an angry Yoochun was scary.
The point is, was it true? Do I really deserve someone better despite the fact that someone left me? Someone leaving me makes me feel I’m not good enough, really.
A week had passed since I found out about him. He doesn’t try to talk to me. Maybe, he does have a little bit of that respect Yoochun was shouting about. Funny thing is, I didn’t give a shit about it anymore. I can’t remember the time I felt the stinging pain in my heart or if there really was that.
I wasn’t sure if I really felt hurt or it was all in my head that when someone replaces you when he’s supposedly in love with you, would hurt.
*****
One morning I woke up without the stinging headache I’ve had for months. I felt good. I felt light. I wondered why, but let it go. Does anyone need to find the reason why he’s suddenly happy when you’ve been down for the longest time? I think not.
Yoochun called me up that morning with his good news screaming in my ear. “JAE! JAE! JUNSU! HE! WE! ME AND JUNSU!” I know, it’s weird how he is when he’s utterly excited but being his best friend, I can figure out what he’s saying even without words.
“Congratulations, Chun! I’ll see you at school later, alright? Meet me up at the smoking area.”
There was a reason we understood each other well too much. A reason why we figured we might be soulmates, in cheese lingo. We can see through each other with ease and comfort. When I was down, no matter how happy he was, he’d lay low with me until he knows I’m strong enough to stand up on my own again. He never picks me up but he knows how to make me strong again. He was weirdly, by far, the wisest best friend I ever had.
*****
Christmas was around the corner and the cold made me feel lonesome all the more. Sometimes.
“You like him, don’t you?” Yoochun always knew but he needed to know why.
“Changmin?” he nodded with that spark in his eyes that seemed to say ‘Well duh?’, “Yeah, he’s a nice guy. He’s quiet. He’s smart with life. And he’s a football player.”
“I never thought someone would actually fit your definition of perfection.”
“Yeah, I know. I just hope I had chances with him. I never really know what he’s thinking.” I spoke all too casually about him because he always made me feel light and comfortable despite his mysterious persona.
“Why don’t you ask him out?”
I didn’t answer. Although, I’ve thought about that many times already.
*****
I was smoking outside a restaurant when Yunho and I crossed paths again. I said hi automatically and he was obviously shocked at how comfortable I was after everything that had happened between us.
“What’s up? We never catch up anymore.” He only smiled at my question shyly, seriously what’s that about. Somehow, it came to my mind that he regrets ever hurting me because I tend to become too kind to him.
“Just going out to buy take out, what about you?” He gained his composure, “What about we go out together tonight?” Just when he said it, Changmin pulls out of the restaurant after he’d paid our bills.
Awkward.
*****
A/N: I was on a roll today. I isolated myself and drank tea. I slept in the afternoon and wrote this when I woke up.
PS: PLEASE LET PEACE REIGN OVER KOREA~
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Date: 2010-11-28 06:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-12-07 09:01 am (UTC)Jae makes such a right decision.