Blurry

[allnostalgia]

Jaejoong sat relaxed near the back of the bar with a bucket of beer on his table. He watched the band perform from where he sat, easily disregarding the not too discreet glances from the other customers. He was beginning to like the place, despite the attention he gets. It was serene and people were pretty civilized as to not disturb him. It was a getaway from the busy life he had been living for over half a decade.


It was another short day for him, which meant a longer night at the bistro. They featured a tribute to Rolling Stones that night. As expected, the bar was full with hippies and stoners alike. It felt refreshing to him, the whiff of unfamiliar people enjoying each other’s company to a music that changed the face of rock’n’roll. More so, the feeling of being one with the crowd. In the back of his head, he had wished that he’d experience this kind of thing and now he knows he’d never felt more alive, like the way he feels when he’s on stage.


He had phoned the other four about that secret hideaway he’d been enjoying for the past month but Yoochun had been the only one to drink with him tonight. Yunho and Changmin were busy and Junsu wasn’t one for drinking. They got to talking about everything that’s happened to them over the year and how they’ve changed but there was never any regret in their tones. All they know is that in due time, they’ll be back on track. Going the way they planned and want to continue.


The following week was a pleasant surprise. Changmin went to see him and didn’t drink alone for once. They talked about come backs and how else they’d see each other aside from this place. The taller male kept his snarkiness to himself that night and asked a lot about the three’s activities. They left at dawn, ensuring him that Yunho was just busy with being Oh Yunjae at the moment and that he’ll find time to spend with them soon.


Soon was indeed soon. His phone rang in his pocket as he walked out of Incheon Airport on his way back to his humble home just four days after he met up with Changmin. The text said, ‘Hey, I know you just got back but I’m only free today. Let’s go to the bistro?’ He knows Yunho knew he can’t say ‘no’ to him so he replied shortly, ‘You selfish basterd. Be there at 10!’ It was only four in the afternoon.

He slept in before freshening up and going out. His heart pounding in his chest out of different emotions stirring up. He drove safely while thinking, When was the last time we saw each other?

The place was moderately packed because of The Velvet Underground Night. He forgot about that but he didn’t really mind. Yunho was sitting quietly in his own world at the back of the bar’s dinning area, staring at his glass of what-looks-like-water-but-might-be-vodka. He approached him with a smile on his face, “Hey,” he managed to get past his throat, “You’re already drinking, what’s up?”

“Isn’t it a little bit mocking? They decided to name my character Oh Yunjae.” Yunho smirked, he was trying to sound pissed off but he wasn’t exactly successful.

“You called me to rant about that?”

“No, of course not.” Yunho stared at him, “We’re rehearsing our come back. It just feels awkwardly different knowing you will not be with us on stage.”

“I know how it feels. Don’t make it sound like you’re the only one who knows.”

“When are we coming back? Are we even getting back-” Yunho cut his sentence short and pulled his eyes away from Jaejoong’s beautiful face, taking another shot of his mixed drink.

“Soon, okay? Just, you know its not that easy.”

“It doesn’t have to be so hard either.” Slurry as it was said, it didn’t hurt any less.

Just hold on a little longer. I love you. He thought to himself as he stared at the man, slowly wasting himself that night.

They kept quiet. Jaejoong wanted to apologize. It was hard enough to meet up after half a year of letting each other go when you know you’re still madly in love. His drunken rants just adds up to the guilt. But what was he to do? There barely was time for them to drag each other out for dates. There barely was time for them to do what they used to do when they lived under one roof. It had sunk in that things weren’t as simple as they had thought they’d be.

“Aren’t you gonna drink?” Yunho broke the silence between them.

“I’m still jetlagged, besides I’m gonna be bringing you home at this rate.”

“We never go out, the five of us, anymore. Why can’t I bring us together.” Frustration was clear in his tone and Jaejoong didn’t dare answer.


The next few weeks were lonely. Jaejoong wasn’t regularly going anymore because his schedule wouldn’t permit. But the last conversation they had was still replaying in his head every time he’d space out.

Wondering how it would have been if they didn’t make that move, he’d shake his head and brush off the what if’s because there wasn’t supposed to be any regrets. He’d remind himself that this is for their own good. One day they’ll look back at this and laugh it off like the other issues they used to ponder on.

He’d gone off with Yoochun and Junsu to the States for their showcase but no matter how far he’d travel there were wishes in the back of his head that yearned for the other two members. His passion for music seemed to be hurting two more important people in his life. He’d keep repeating it to himself like a mantra that they’d understand.


Gong back to Korea was one thing he looked forward to most. Yunho and Changmin’s come back was just around the corner and he didn’t want to miss it, he told himself it’s a must that he’d support them because he really wanted to. He knew they weren’t the only ones who misses being on stage.


He called Yunho as soon as he got back though he didn’t know what he wanted to say. It was a habit he couldn’t rid from his system because doing so felt like forgetting and never coming back. Both of them didn’t want to forget. “Hey.” His voice almost inaudible but on the other end of the line was another yearning man who only responded with a hum. “We just got back. How’re you?” Yunho was sleepy but he didn’t want to sound like it, “I’m sorry for calling this late, its- It’s automatic. Go back to sleep, Yun. Goodnight.” I love you. He wanted to add, but he wasn’t quite sure if it was right for him to say it.

He threw his phone on the bed before lying on his back as he deeply breathed and closed his eyes. I hope they’re eating alright. I hope he’s taking care of himself. He drifted off to sleep as involuntary tears discreetly fell from his eyes, his breath hitching as he tried to stifle his sobs. I want everything to be back like the way we were before. He wished he was strong enough too because he didn’t want to be unfair with Yunho being the only source of strength for their relationship.

He knew, either way, they’d be hurting. But he wasn’t ready just yet. He believed time will make him stronger, and when that happens, they’ll be indestructible. That and distance wouldn’t be any issue anymore.


He sat back on his couch while waiting for HoMin’s comeback stage performance. A bowl of cereal in his hand and a candy bar on the center table. He’d been eating a lot of cereal lately instead of meals he’d cook for himself. Even Yoochun found it weird to the point he’d thought if Jaejoong was just that depressed.

He stared at the telly the whole time, a little smile forming on his lips. Everything else didn’t matter at that moment. Yunho and Changmin were on stage, he felt alive just watching them continuing the one dream the five of them have been sharing for years.

Dialing Yunho’s number was etched on his fingertips flawlessly, he put the phone on his ear and waited only to get his phone call rejected.

That night you go back to that bar you haven’t visited in a while. Alone, with The Smiths’ music drowning your petty little heart’s shattering sound as you order round after round of orange flavored vodka mixed with gin.


He wakes up to the sound of his phone’s familiar tone and his hands feel the night stand in search for the noisy device. “Hm?” He answered groggily. Changmin was on the other line asking how he’s been doing, “I’m still sleepy. Come over for dinner later, please?” His youngest member accepted his invitation and he smiled, surrendering to sleep so he’d get rid of the useless hangover. The headache still hurt a lot less than his heart.

When he woke up at three in the afternoon, he tried calling him again after being patient enough to wait for replies to his texts. He received no messages back and his calls were still rejected.

He figured he’d just let things pass for a while. Maybe if he’d let things cool down and think about what he’d done for Yunho to suddenly ignore him, it’d have a decent conclusion.

He got up even with the slight headache he still had. Wondering what to cook for his dear Changmin tonight. What a distraction.


A week had passed and he had woken up hungover for three days to say the least. Yunho doesn’t pick up at all. And all Changmin ever does was ask him how he’s been doing.

He wanted answers and if he doesn’t want phone calls then he’s finally coming over.


The bell rang and Yunho stood up from the bean bag he sat on while playing his videogames. He opened the door to see Jaejoong. Who’s eyes had been swollen enough to be evidence of his crying and alcohol ridden nights. “I came here to tell you something, please don’t close the door on my face.” Yunho pulled him in and closed the door behind him. “I don’t know what I did to make you ignore me but I’m sorry.” He breathed slowly. “Honestly, I can live without you, Yunho.” This made the younger man swallow his nervousness, “But I don’t want to. Cheesy as it would sound, it’d be pointless living just for myself. We share the same dreams, remember? I risk shit to make us stronger. Why do I get the feeling you’re giving up?”

“I’m tired, Jae. What am I waiting for exactly?”

“I-“ he looked up to prevent his tears from falling down his cheeks, “I just need you to hold on a little longer, keep the faith like we always say.” He exhaled audibly, “And I’m not talking about DBSK alone. This is about us. I didn’t let us be apart for no reason.”

Yunho walked back to the living room, not in the mood to play anymore. “You’re not answering my question. You never do. I just want to know the reason this is happening to us.”

“I can’t handle being far from you all the time. I can’t stand the thought that were together but were physically apart. I don’t know how to deal with a relationship that deals with distance all the time. I can’t-”

“Why are you so afraid?”

He still didn’t let himself break down in front of Yunho.

“What makes you think I’d let you be scared shitless because of these reasons? Jae, they’re nothing. We’re stronger than this. If you think these things are hard to cope with then maybe you’re not thinking properly. We’ve been through worse!”

“But you’re not with me. Do you ever remember a time when I was strong enough for myself?” He let out a sob for the first time, finally, “I want to change that. You don’t say it but I know how stupid it is that you’d have to be there every time I need to pull myself together and do it for me. I have to grow up and be one for myself. I know you’re gonna say you’ll be strong enough for both of us but that just proves I’m useless. Love isn’t always enough reason for two people to stay together, Yun. I know you’re smart enough to have already realized that.”

He kept silent. He was resisting it through and through. He didn’t want to wait anymore, he wanted to be there for him even just emotionally but Jaejoong didn’t want it that way.

“You’re being too selfish. When did you become like this?” Yunho thought aloud. Jaejoong looked at him with eyes that spelt longing and words that couldn’t roll out his tongue. Just when I thought I was doing something for him, he’d go on saying I’m selfish.

It was going nowhere, they had to calm down to have a decent conversation and it’s impossible for one right now. He walked out without a word.


Yunho came to the same bar usually on Mondays because knowing Jaejoong, he loved going out midweek. Taking chances to go there even if it meant coincidentally meeting the other.


Slowly, they were drifting apart.

Jaejoong would resist the urge to call the other man. And when Changmin called him, he’d give short answers.

Going back to the States did have some effect on him. He worked day and night. It served as a distraction to that piece of reality that won’t let him sleep. Yoochun noticed. How his soulmate would space out when brainstorming, the bags under his eyes were darkening and how his voice slowly disappears from lack of sleep.

“Hyung, if you’ve ran out of reasons to call him then tell him it’s over. He’s waiting like you told him to. Don’t let him hang on for nothing.”

Jaejoong snapped out of his blank-staring and nodded at Yoochun, obviously not comprehending anything.

“Hyung.” Jaejoong looked at him, “Take care of yourself, please?”

Yoochun shook his head as he thought, He’s going haywire. “Please, go to sleep, I’ll clean this up for you. Don’t fucking kill yourself, Kim Jaejoong!”

He was sick of it. He was at his breaking point. He didn’t know what the other was thinking anymore. It was like Jaejoong only looked the part but wasn’t really him anymore. “Hyung, if you have a problem, I’m here to listen and help you out. I’m not just saying this.”

Jaejoong proceeded to the bedroom of the hotel suite and dropped himself on the bed and fell straight to sleep.


The next few days, Jaejoong had some rest. They were done with preparations and was finally given time to relax.

One thing crossed his mind every so often, What could Yunho be doing right now? He wished he knew, he could call, but his own words were holding him back.

Unless I know I can carry on I can’t talk to him.


Yunho shows up on his doorstep three days since he got back from the States. He lets him in and they talk in the living room. “Was it over since that night?” Jaejoong snapped his gaze at him, Why’d he think that? “You didn’t call so I assumed you didn’t want to talk although I’ve thought of calling you when you were away.”

“Yunho. No. Why are we talking about this so early in the morning?”

“Jae, its two o’clock in the afternoon. Does your head hurt, I think you’re hungover.”

And just like that Jaejoong feels the urge to get back with him finally. It was baseless and it didn’t make sense. He had too many reasons to hold their relationship on a lower level while the issues lasted but he’s forgetting them over time. And the feeling of yearning was winning him over. He didn’t know what to do.

“Yunho, what did you want? Why are you here now?”

“I already told you, first thing,” he looked him in the eyes, “Are we hopeless? Was everything over that last time we…”

Jaejoong shook his head, not able to answer verbally. “I’m getting there, I’m doing this for you and us. Trust me, I’ll never leave you. I can’t do that. I’ll never leave you.”

“Just checking.” He smirked, but his heart still felt heavy in his chest and heaving a sigh didn’t make it better.

His vision of Jaejoong’s words were beginning to blur.


Yoochun had talked him into one drinking session. He didn’t want to because he knew he’d spill everything he felt when he got drunk with his best friend. He didn’t want any one to be involved in his issues because he wanted to get by by himself.

In the end he was smoking the night away just to keep himself from talking. Yoochun gave up on making Jaejoong tell him anything at all. He’d ask for help if he wanted or needed it. He noted himself.


A couple of months have passed again. It was almost a year since they separated but things still felt fresh to both of them. Nobody was trying to move on because nobody was willing to take a step forward if without the other.


Jaejoong came knocking on Yunho’s door one day. He greet him with a smile and embraced him like he’d vanish the moment he let go. Yunho felt his heart beat faster, threatening to pop out of his ribcage as he savored the feeling of being in this man’s arms again.

“I think I’m ready, Yun,” Yunho eyed him questioningly as he was released from the smaller man’s arms, “I’ve thought about everything you kept telling me. I was afraid of taking that risk but I hurt you instead of protecting you.” He inhaled deeply, “I’m sorry for being stubborn and stupid and narrow-minded and selfish. And did I say stupid? Because I know you agree that I really was being stupid.”

Yunho just stared at him, disbelief written on his face. And Jaejoong was growing nervous. What if he’d already stopped waiting and he was too late? He thought to himself, I couldn’t blame him. He’s only human, and the way I’ve hurt him, he’d really get tired of understanding everything. Maybe, it’s my turn to get a grip on his feelings-

Suddenly, Yunho was snaking arms around his waist and resting his forehead on his shoulder, breathing heavily. Jaejoong’s hands rose up to rub his back and let him release everything he’d been keeping for the past months. His heart burst when he heard Yunho’s first sob. He whispered, “I’m really sorry, Yun. I’ve learned my lesson, I’ll never make these mistakes again. I promise you that.” Yunho’s grip was tightening around him, he almost couldn’t breathe but he’d rather hold his breath just to try and let the other feel he’s still deeply in love with him. That all that he’s saying is the truth, spoken from his heart.

“Don’t be stupid ever again, Jae. It hurts me more than you being selfish.” He managed to say in between sobs.

A/N: I should be starting my manual animation on a 180-sheet sketch pad due on friday right now but, yeah... I can't choose between an elephant and a bat o_o And I don't know where I got the angst for this though. I find it hard to make sense lately~

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I- I dont know what to say... *cries*