Forever doesn't exist
Sat, Jun. 5th, 2010 03:59 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
allnostalgia The first time Jaejoong had to unwillingly lie to his folks was when his father doubted his sexuality, "No, Pops. Just quite English." He joked so he could easily get away from his father's psyched question. Well, actually, his life at home was already a lie at that, he's got this closet case issue of being attracted to his classmate. A friend at his exclusive boys' school. Who, apparently, had been openly flirting with him since the first term of his senior year began. His parents had dreams for him but they are far from what he wanted to be in the not-so-distant future.
Clearly, he's got things up his sleeves that are too heavy to keep forever. At home he was the perfect son but outside the choking realm of his dear homophobic parents, he shared a perfect love with Yunho. That genius kid he had been trying to resist for his parents' sanity's sake. But. The first step he took off the familiar road became the reason for his will to go crazy and burst out in flames, his passion for art drove him to forget about his father's wish for him to become a doctor.
He felt himself raise hell that one evening at supper when his father wasn't home and he told his mother everything he had been busy about for almost half a year now. He said it in the most calm way he could manage and quite hesitantly too, "Ma, I'm afraid you and Pops might disown me for this but I can't lie to you anymore." His mother's worried expression made his heart beat stronger against his ribcage, "I-I'm gay." She looked at him with teary eyes and managed to reply under her heavy breaths, "I can't tell your Pops about this. He's gonna go haywire." She coughed, "Is there anything else?" Jaejoong shook his head and his mum excused herself without finishing her meal.
By the looks of it, he figured, she can't have too much of all the things he has to say so he let it go for tonight. But still, he knew they have to find out at some point so he wrote everything in a letter addressed to his mum and dad and the next thing he knew, he was off to New York with them three days before winter break even began. "I'll be back in two weeks. Sorry, I didn't call to say goodbye." He sent Yunho a message on Facebook as soon as they've checked in at the Empire State.
Come the end of winter break also began his very own season of heartbreak. Jaejoong thought of everything he and his folks had talked about and realized that his pretty world has to stop turning his way. His life had to take on a different toll thus his drastic change of aura since he came back.
Worry and pain ran through Yunho's veins the moment he saw him again, "What's wrong, Jae? Please tell me." Jaejoong tried to lighten up but pretending he was okay would only make for deeper guilt and frivolous explanations. "We need to talk. Later, before we go home when everyone else is gone, okay?" His request only made Yunho nervous.
His boyfriend sat forlornly in the middle of the field. He sat beside him and Jaejoong spoke instantly, "I'm sorry, Yunho. For everything."
Yunho noticed his heavy breathing as he looked at him in utter confusion then a little chuckle escaped his lips, "Why? I don't remember anything wrong you did. Is there?" he asked.
"It was wrong of me to have started this relationship with you." his voice was almost inaudible.
"What? I don't understand what you're trying to say. I'm- I... It hurts to hear you say that. Why? Are you regretting everything?"
"I can't love you. We're both men for chrissake! This can't go on or else we'll be totally delusional." his voice was now stern and it hurt both of them all the more.
"What happened? All of a damn sudden you're putting me off? Was it something I did?" Yunho grabbed both Jaejoong's hands and looked at his face. The other only looked down on their clutched hands. He wasn't mad, really, it was just a habit of his to put some bits of curses in his sentences.
"You made me happy." He untangled their fingers and ran a hand over his jet black locks, "But the last thing I want to do is keep you with me forever. We just can't be together anymore." The more questions asked, the more hurt was sowed and it was because the answers were lies.
"I don't believe anything you're telling me right now. I mean, you don't sound like you, Jae. I can tell your not saying the real reasons. Why are you lying to me?" he heard Yunho sob for the first time and his heart instantly shattered.
He held his tears from falling, "No, Yunho. You see, I'd be lying if I said I don't love you anymore. Please. Just- I'm doing this for you. Go on with someone else. It'd be better."
"Now, you're really confusing me. Just honestly tell me why and maybe I'll say yes." He cried and Jaejoong was wiping the tears that fell endlessly on his smooth cheeks.
"That's all, Yunho. We're leaving high school in a matter of days, we can't remain in our fantasy world that we will make it through always. I know you've silently thought of it too at some point, that 'What if this kind of love really isn't gonna work out?' or a 'What if we're not really different from other couples?', yeah?"
Bastard. Yunho thought, "Never. I expected more from you, Jae. This is not you. I know you're lying!"
"Please, Yunho. I promise this is for your own good." he touched his chin and looked in his eyes. He wasn't lying. He could never look into Yunho's eyes and lie.
"Will you ever come back? I don't believe you when you said I should go on with someone else." Jaejoong didn't respond, his face was expressionless too.
"Your ride's here. You better go." Jaejoong nudged him to get up from the grass. If I find my way to it, Yunho. I will come back no matter what. Now, is just not the time for us.
"I'll be waiting. See you tomorrow."
Graduation came and they surprisingly became tight friends. Yunho feels a lot of hurt to be just that, knowing how they still feel the same for each other. Jaejoong, however, is still contemplating on a lot of things particularly about college, family and when he will finally have his Yunho back. At least, we're tight friends still. I have a reason to see him often. Jaejoong thought quite selfishly.
Clearly, he's got things up his sleeves that are too heavy to keep forever. At home he was the perfect son but outside the choking realm of his dear homophobic parents, he shared a perfect love with Yunho. That genius kid he had been trying to resist for his parents' sanity's sake. But. The first step he took off the familiar road became the reason for his will to go crazy and burst out in flames, his passion for art drove him to forget about his father's wish for him to become a doctor.
He felt himself raise hell that one evening at supper when his father wasn't home and he told his mother everything he had been busy about for almost half a year now. He said it in the most calm way he could manage and quite hesitantly too, "Ma, I'm afraid you and Pops might disown me for this but I can't lie to you anymore." His mother's worried expression made his heart beat stronger against his ribcage, "I-I'm gay." She looked at him with teary eyes and managed to reply under her heavy breaths, "I can't tell your Pops about this. He's gonna go haywire." She coughed, "Is there anything else?" Jaejoong shook his head and his mum excused herself without finishing her meal.
By the looks of it, he figured, she can't have too much of all the things he has to say so he let it go for tonight. But still, he knew they have to find out at some point so he wrote everything in a letter addressed to his mum and dad and the next thing he knew, he was off to New York with them three days before winter break even began. "I'll be back in two weeks. Sorry, I didn't call to say goodbye." He sent Yunho a message on Facebook as soon as they've checked in at the Empire State.
Come the end of winter break also began his very own season of heartbreak. Jaejoong thought of everything he and his folks had talked about and realized that his pretty world has to stop turning his way. His life had to take on a different toll thus his drastic change of aura since he came back.
Worry and pain ran through Yunho's veins the moment he saw him again, "What's wrong, Jae? Please tell me." Jaejoong tried to lighten up but pretending he was okay would only make for deeper guilt and frivolous explanations. "We need to talk. Later, before we go home when everyone else is gone, okay?" His request only made Yunho nervous.
His boyfriend sat forlornly in the middle of the field. He sat beside him and Jaejoong spoke instantly, "I'm sorry, Yunho. For everything."
Yunho noticed his heavy breathing as he looked at him in utter confusion then a little chuckle escaped his lips, "Why? I don't remember anything wrong you did. Is there?" he asked.
"It was wrong of me to have started this relationship with you." his voice was almost inaudible.
"What? I don't understand what you're trying to say. I'm- I... It hurts to hear you say that. Why? Are you regretting everything?"
"I can't love you. We're both men for chrissake! This can't go on or else we'll be totally delusional." his voice was now stern and it hurt both of them all the more.
"What happened? All of a damn sudden you're putting me off? Was it something I did?" Yunho grabbed both Jaejoong's hands and looked at his face. The other only looked down on their clutched hands. He wasn't mad, really, it was just a habit of his to put some bits of curses in his sentences.
"You made me happy." He untangled their fingers and ran a hand over his jet black locks, "But the last thing I want to do is keep you with me forever. We just can't be together anymore." The more questions asked, the more hurt was sowed and it was because the answers were lies.
"I don't believe anything you're telling me right now. I mean, you don't sound like you, Jae. I can tell your not saying the real reasons. Why are you lying to me?" he heard Yunho sob for the first time and his heart instantly shattered.
He held his tears from falling, "No, Yunho. You see, I'd be lying if I said I don't love you anymore. Please. Just- I'm doing this for you. Go on with someone else. It'd be better."
"Now, you're really confusing me. Just honestly tell me why and maybe I'll say yes." He cried and Jaejoong was wiping the tears that fell endlessly on his smooth cheeks.
"That's all, Yunho. We're leaving high school in a matter of days, we can't remain in our fantasy world that we will make it through always. I know you've silently thought of it too at some point, that 'What if this kind of love really isn't gonna work out?' or a 'What if we're not really different from other couples?', yeah?"
Bastard. Yunho thought, "Never. I expected more from you, Jae. This is not you. I know you're lying!"
"Please, Yunho. I promise this is for your own good." he touched his chin and looked in his eyes. He wasn't lying. He could never look into Yunho's eyes and lie.
"Will you ever come back? I don't believe you when you said I should go on with someone else." Jaejoong didn't respond, his face was expressionless too.
"Your ride's here. You better go." Jaejoong nudged him to get up from the grass. If I find my way to it, Yunho. I will come back no matter what. Now, is just not the time for us.
"I'll be waiting. See you tomorrow."
Graduation came and they surprisingly became tight friends. Yunho feels a lot of hurt to be just that, knowing how they still feel the same for each other. Jaejoong, however, is still contemplating on a lot of things particularly about college, family and when he will finally have his Yunho back. At least, we're tight friends still. I have a reason to see him often. Jaejoong thought quite selfishly.
- - -
To: Yunho
From: Jaejoong
January 24, 2010, 2:03 PM
Want to get some drinks on my birthday? My place. I won't be celebrating with anybody else and I don't plan to have a party either. Please say yes. <3
To: Jaejoong
From: Yunho
January 25, 2010, 12:34 AM
Jae, I'm really sorry for replying just now. Yes, sure. I'll be there. :)
Come his birthday, Yunho brought him a gift --a simple white shirt with his painting in front. And he decided to wear it for the night's celebration.
The alcohol was underway and Yunho promised himself to not get drunk so he can take care of Jaejoong just in case he'd have too much to drink.
Just as he had expected, Jaejoong was going tipsy after almost fifteen shots of vodka. He took him to his room and took care of him like every time Jaejoong got shit drunk. He always turns nervous every damn time his friend got crazy drunk because he forgets his place. "You know why I love my birthday? Its because you're always there. You're always part of it. Unlike my life. You can't be permanently in it because I had to sacrifice the perfect love I had just to show my parents I can do something right for them. I hate my life. I hate that I can't even choose what I want to be."
"Shh... Keep still. You're gonna get dizzier if you move around." He tried his hardest to ignore what his friend just told him but by the end of the day, he knew it would be bothering him again.
"Yunho, why can't I get over you?"
His eyed widened in shock. Of all the times he had been there to witness him go drunk, this was the first time he heard him say those things. "Because you're drunk. Go to sleep, Jae. I'll still be here when you wake up."
"No, no, no. That's because you're always there when I wake up. Love me in the morning when all the world is awake so they can see us break the odds unlike before."
"Go to sleep. Goodnight, Jae."
"Aren't you gonna say you love me, Yunho? Because I love you."
"Love you too, Jae. You're my best friend, remember? Go to sleep."
And you know what hurts even more? The next day, he asks Yunho what happened when he got drunk. He doesn't even remember anything. Or so it seems. One day you'll see that this is all an act. When I'm free we'll be together again. Just wait for me a little longer, that's all I'm asking.
- - -
Nothing ever really came clear to Yunho since their unwanted and forced break up.
"Do you still have anything for him? Any feelings at all?" a friend asked one day.
"Honestly, I still have that little thing that pushes me to give him more time and chances. But I'm not sure if this is still going anywhere. I'm tired. It's been years, you know." Yunho answered.
Face it. Sure, you promised him you'll wait. But who knows if he's ever really coming back? The worst part about your situation is that you're in a list where you'll always be just the number two priority. He gave up his own dreams to make his family happy. All the more could he give up a boyfriend, the love of his life. It won't be wrong to turn around, it would just be entirely humane to get tired and realize that you've already moved on without you knowing it. An internal monologue to comfort himself. Yunho figured that the only way to start learning and living in the now is through pure honesty with yourself. At first you think it would hurt, but it actually wouldn't. Specially if you (learn) accept everything you find out.
...because forever doesn't exist so you can't really wait that long.
"That's okay, man." his friend assessed.
"Think so? What about Jae? Do you think he'll be okay with that, too?"
"I see you're still concerned."
"We're best friends, remember?" Yunho retorted.
"Clear things up, dude. At this point, both of you are still beating around a god damn withering bush." Good point by his friend, you think?
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Re: hodwdy
Date: 2010-06-06 10:43 am (UTC)