If It Kills Me
Fri, Aug. 12th, 2011 03:05 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
allnostalgiaThis one's for ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
gaypop! I'm sorry it took so long for me to write off your plot~ I hope the outcome's okay.
And I will find a way to you if it kills me~
Gone was the playful knocking of his heart, replaced by a steady thumping that plainly translates to a certain feeling he previously never tried to realize he had for the other boy.
Had he been that afloat above reality to notice that he had began falling somewhere along the way?
Yunho was in denial.
"Okay, that's enough. Get off of me." Yunho monotonously uttered, his best friend backed off, casually setting another drink down on the bar where he was found with a guy who was pushing his thin chances on him.
"That's the…" Jaejoong counted in his head, "I estimate that's about the ninth time this month you've called me down in the middle of the night to shoo away strangers you're too kind to decline on your own."
"I don't not decline them, they just don't listen." Yunho hisses, annoyed, "And its not like I'm the only one in this same shit hole." He sniggers, remembering Jaejoong's desperate call a few nights ago. Something like, 'Yunho, I need you to rage on this stupid cocky bastard who really doesn't get it. Now!'
"Shut up! It was effective, you can't disagree."
"Exactly! Its an easy way out, and its pretty easy to pretend and all."
"Easy, yeah sure," Jaejoong mocks, "Why can't you just leave the bar early?"
"But Jae~" Yunho sneaks a signal as the stranger previously hitting on him was intently observing his every move. "I think we better go, he's creepy." He leans in and whispers into his ear and Jaejoong giggles as if he'd said something utterly naughty.
They trudge off, Jaejoong's arms circling Yunho's waist as the other's arm finds comfort around the smaller man's shoulders.
At some point, one realizes the place someone holds in his heart when someone else tries to snatch that person away. And then, he wouldn't have the right to hold him back.
Jaejoong was on his way out of class when a tap on his shoulder stopped him midway. He turned, his face with a friendly questioning look, as if egging the person to say whatever it is he wanted to say. "Hi, it might be kind of sudden but if you're free right now, would it be okay to go with me for lunch?"
It was surprising, he admits, "Oh. Siwon, right?" Jaejoong felt ashamed and uneasy, it shows, he wasn't even sure of his classmate's name, "I'm sorry, but I have class immediately after this." He smiled apologetically as the other boy nodded in understanding.
"Ah, a-alright then. I'll- I'll see you when I see you." Siwon smiled and reluctantly walked away, trying to hide the disappointment on his handsome face.
Jaejoong felt a little uncomfortable, turning him down. The boy was nice and the shyness was quite adorable, too. It was refreshing.
A fake relationship. It doesn't seem too convenient anymore when one lets his feelings be lead on. It was a comfortable escape at first, until guards are let down, next thing you know you're in too deep after being oblivious for a longer time than you imagine.
He figured it was why he wasn't interested in any of them, he was probably content with Jaejoong already by then, though he never tried to think on why.
Yunho entered the bar and scanned the place as he looked for Jaejoong in the crowd. The band was beginning their first set for the night and as far as he knew, they're the reason Jaejoong wanted to come tonight.
It was when he saw him sitting on a bar stool, comfortably chatting with a guy. 'At least he looks our age,' Yunho thinks as he approached them.
"Ah, there you are!" the shorter man had motioned for him to meet his new friend, "This is Siwon. We have Literature class together. And Yunho, my best friend."
The introduction took him by surprise, he wasn't there to push away another hopeful man who wanted to get into Jaejoong's pants. Tonight, he was a best friend and he didn't know what to do aside from watch the band that was actually good enough to entertain him through out the night so he could drown out the unpleasant tugging in his system. Plus, the fact that three's a crowd, he believed.
Happiness often shields one's heart from more wants because its usually what people want the most.
"Please?" Yunho tried his best at convincing the other that he had plenty of time to catch up on homework, "Jae, I won't stop until you get up, dress up and leave for the pub with me!"
"I told you no. It's not that hard to understand. Get it through your thick skull, huh?" Jaejoong was on the brink of anger. Sometimes his best friend just had to get what he wanted so bad, he forgets the world doesn't revolve around him.
"Its not that hard to understand what I said either!"
"I'm not fazed. I'll stay home and get these things I need to do, done." Jaejoong shakes his head disappointedly at his bratty behavior, "Come to think of it, you better do the same. You're falling behind on some subjects."
"You're nagging. I don't need that right now."
"You don't need alcohol, that I'm sure."
"Jae! Can we just please?!"
"NO." His voice went deeper, stern and his tone was dead serious.
Yunho stomped away defeated, he was going to drink alone for the first time since he became friends with the pretty man.
"Yunho, do you want to watch Copa America at the pub tonight?" He felt bad for exchanging his best friend for homework over a week ago.
They haven't been talking much after that because Yunho wanted to make Jaejoong guilty. He was childish that way.
"Come on, Yunho. I'm paying." He poked the cheek of the man on the couch.
"Jae, next time I'll just drink here if you won't go with me. Can I?"
"I'm sorry, okay? I won't do it again. But, please, can you be not much of a brat? You're kind of losing your place everywhere lately."
Yunho kept quiet. He was becoming stupid and it was all for the fun of getting drunk and having an excuse to not go to class the next day because of a headache. A hangover headache. It was pathetic.
It used to be a lot easier to talk and take each other's time.
He kind of regrets playing lovers at the clubs because it gave him something to hold on to. Those times when Jaejoong looked into his eyes and he wished that at some point, there was sincerity in the middle of it all. And then his heart falls, because he deems it impossible, all too comfortable to not be a joke.
He was over at Jaejoong's apartment watching some 90's cartoons since the early evening. Jaejoong emerges from the kitchen with cookies and s'mores he'd prepared. "I don't have alcohol tonight, what else do you want?"
"Milk?" Jaejoong shot him an are-you-kidding? look, "Why? It fits well with these!" Jaejoong shrugged and got the milk carton from the fridge and two tall glasses.
They continued watching the telly until dawn, laughing and talking so much about how ridiculously full of innuendos those cartoons they used to watch as kids were.
"We were all practically mind-fucked, huh?" They concluded by the end of the night's marathon, "Help me bring those to the counter, hey." Yunho stood up and followed Jaejoong to the kitchen sink.
A few long quiet seconds pass, "Jae, that guy from the bar last time, is he nice?" He suddenly commented, "By any chance-"
"I think so, Yunho." Jaejoong smiled and replied a little excitedly, "Its not so often someone is considerate enough to go slow on you. He'd invited me to lunch a couple of times before I finally had time. Kind of felt bad the first time he asked coz I said no, thought he'd end it there."
"Yeah." He answers, unsure of what to say next. He wanted to throw Jaejoong a lot of questions but decided he must be tired from staying up all night, laughing their heads off.
"That's pretty random." He looks to Yunho who simply chuckles and smiles again.
Yunho takes it that his smiles were because Siwon might be the first guy to possibly make this lovely man live a little more out of the boxed routine they had set for themselves more than over two years ago.
Yunho felt he wasn't enough for Jaejoong. Well, of course, he wasn't. There's a world of a difference between a boyfriend and a best friend, anyway.
"Jaejoong," Siwon approached the boy, helping him with his books and accompanied him to his next class, "I got passes to that event you mentioned a while ago, downtown, I thought I'd give you the other ticket."
Jaejoong stopped on his tracks, "Holy mother of-! Are you serious?!" Siwon nodded and the smaller man put his arms around Siwon's neck for a hug. As if out of instinct he moved away, realizing that he'd invaded his personal space without permission, "Ah- I-I'm sorry about that. Heh…" he says, scratching his nape.
"Its fine, I don't mind." Siwon pulled him close and put an arm around his shoulder protectively before sauntering to Jaejoong's next class with gentle smiles on their faces and a conversation about the smaller boy's excitement.
He was losing time.
Day by day, Jaejoong seemed to get closer to Siwon and Yunho was pulling further away, just watching him from afar. He could call him, he could text, its not a big issue between best friends but somehow he found that it was difficult to maintain the same thing when you've discovered that what you want to have is way past it.
Siwon picks him up almost every morning. There are days when he finds himself seated on the other's comfortable passenger seat, other times side by side on a bus and fewer times walking the few blocks to a cafe they now frequent and then walk more to university just in time for their respective classes.
Yunho sees it, of course. Jaejoong would tell him when he can't be there. But he finds Jaejoong's smile a little too endearing to wipe off with his possessiveness. So, he waits until the other one finds his presence too scarce to make the effort instead. He knew it was stupid but couldn't decide against it.
Confusion makes one the little fool in denial. Fear creates jealousy. Intimidation follows suit and then a long suffering drift that's never necessary.
Yunho had this mental argument between confessing and letting the emotion die away. He was hopeless, he knew it wouldn't go away as easily as he'd ignored it before. And confessing… He had to think about it but it crossed his mind that at some point, Jaejoong would eventually to know. And if he will, why not take his chances all together?
"Yunho?" Jaejoong visited him at the apartment one afternoon, "There you are!" He found him bumming around.
"J-Jae? Jae!" He put on a shirt as he got up from the shag rug in the living room, "Wh-what brings you here?"
"What, I can't visit my best friend who's been MIA for the past couple of weeks? I'm worried, you're mad at me."
"W-well, no, of course not. I just didn't want to disturb you and Siwon, you know."
"Its not like we're dating already, Yun. You don't even come over for dinner anymore. Are you fed up with my cooking?"
"No! No, I-" Yunho scratched his head, 'It's not like we're dating already, Yun.' it rings in his head while he tries to find words that won't make things between them quite foreign and awkward, "Are you going to cook dinner? Is that why you came here? Coz I'm pretty hungry, now that you mention it." He smiled a little teasingly.
"Yes, that." Jaejoong laughs at his silliness, "And, I missed you!" He came into a half-run to hug Yunho.
"That's- Don't say cheesy stuff like that, Jae." His arms were locked on his sides and Jaejoong pretty much squished him in his embrace before letting go.
"What's cheesy? I wouldn't have to say it if you showed up on nights you regularly showed up. You don't even drink anymore, is there something wrong?"
"I'm jealous," he didn't notice he thought it aloud.
Jaejoong let out a laugh, "What are you talking about? We can still spend time even with Siwon around! Don't be like that. Its not like he's stealing me away from you, right? Bros before hoes."
Yunho decided it was game over.
Maybe, he just had to get used to spending less time with Jaejoong. Or maybe, he should get a life outside of clubs, bars and pubs. A distraction, he thinks its what he needed for missing how he was with Jaejoong more by the minute.
They catch up and talk endlessly until the early hours of the next morning. Yunho's heart was chipping off little by little with every story Jaejoong told him about Siwon, all too enthusiastically. He seemed too good to be true, but then, so was Jaejoong.
He felt the urge to confess right then and there because he was afraid that the next time they see each other like this, Jaejoong would tell him about how he and Siwon are finally together.
"Are you going out today?" He asks in the middle of one of Jaejoong's stories, "Can we just stay home today, Jae?"
"Well, Siwon asked me out to dinner. Why?"
"Or rather can we go out for drinks?" He pleaded as casually as he can to not make anything suspicious, "I mean, when was the last time we went out?"
"I'll give him a call, okay?" Yunho smiles and feels a little assured that tonight, Jaejoong wouldn't have a boyfriend yet. And it wouldn't be wrong to confess and attempt.
People always have choices. What makes them think they don't is cowardice. If something priceless as friendship was up for you to lose, how far will you go to save it? If it wasn't exactly a loss, how much are you willing to risk to find out?
Yunho tried to pry off the sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach, urging him to stand up and admit it to himself before throwing blames around. Besides, it wasn't anybody's fault anyway.
"Yunho," he sing-sang, "You're not okay, I can tell. What's bothering you?"
As Yunho drove them into the lot of the most decent club he'd found over a couple and a half weeks ago, he contemplated on when would be the so-called right time to confess. "I'll tell you over drinks," he smiles and then hisses as he rolls down his window, "GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY!" His car horn blows as a bunch of drunken retards tried to move their heavy bodies over to the sides, "Jesus, what's with people lately? Stupid. Stupid everywhere."
"Hey." Jaejoong calls, "If you want to drink, its fine, but don't get into a fight, hm? You're too intense."
"I'm sorry, Jae," he breathes out a heavy sigh and tried to smile, "I've just been exhausted lately. I should've listened to you when you told me to catch up on school work."
"Ooh… We don't see each other a few days and you're being a bit mushy!" he attempts to lift his spirits, "Who are you and where did you dispose of my real Yunho?"
Yunho found it in him to ruffle the smaller man's hair before snapping off the seat belt and quickly getting out of his car, laughing as Jaejoong struggles to unlock his in haste. He runs after him, and bumps into Yunho's back, who stops when he realizes how packed the club is.
"Think you can get through?" Yunho asks him, clutching at his wrist as if he'd get lost in the sea of people. Unconsciously, he pries away Yunho's hand and holds onto his waist, instead, "Jae?"
"Let's go, I think the lounge doesn't have as much people." Jaejoong replies. He secures an arm over his shoulder and weaves them through.
They find a cozy couch and coffee table near the walls of the club, a spot remotely private, and then places orders of vodka and stuff to munch on.
When you've gone too far, "mind over matter" won't cut it anymore, because the rising emotions in your heart will always defeat reason with passion.
Yunho watches his own shots later on, smiling at more of Jaejoong's stories and on the verge of slapping his own face at how he's dragging the night on and not saying anything to even lead to the confession.
The beautiful man lights a cigarette, "I've been talking all night, you still haven't told me about what's been up with you."
"Yeah, about that, I don't really know where to start." He scratches his nape out of habit.
"Like what? We have all night, don't we?" Jaejoong reassures.
He narrates comically how he's much of a loner since Jaejoong met Siwon, half-meaning to make the other boy guilty about not spending time with him as much anymore. He gets teased about being jealous, and he almost chokes on his words when he says he is.
Jaejoong tells him its cute, that he's actually protective, other than being a restless bordering-alcoholic.
Yunho makes an effort to sway the conversation somewhere else, admitting his faults over the past weeks because he'd been slacking off and now he's turning insomniac from consecutive sleepless nights cramming paperworks. "You're always right, aren't you?" They laugh lightly, heads already spinning.
"But you don't get sad over these things." Knowing him, there must be something deeper that's causing him to be distracted and blank.
Yunho wonders then if somehow, Jaejoong had sensed the difference between the then and the now between them. His thoughts wander off into the depths of his drunken brain, there was no way he could prove himself wrong of how he felt for the other man because it was blaring in his head. And maybe, if he said it now, he'd have his chance of letting it go along with the right to say that he tried.
"Well, if you're not ready to tell me anything, its okay. But enough on the drinks, huh?" Jaejoong pushes his torso to rest on the cushion, observing him after the sudden change of atmosphere.
"Jae, I-" he takes one more shot of vodka before Jaejoong could snatch it away from him, "I can't."
"You can't?" He looks at him straight in the eyes, waiting, curious.
"I can't just watch you go." Yunho drops his head at the tone he shamelessly used, he was like a kid about to throw tantrums.
"I'm not going anywhere, am I?" The relatively sober man moves closer.
"Siwon, he's-" Yunho's eyes were a bit droopy but they were turning glassy, "he's going to take you away. And-" He looks up, trying to push back tears that were about to fall. His emotions were on overdrive from being kept in too long, "I'm scared that if I tell you, you'd choose to go away with him."
"Yunho." In a heartbeat, he was clinging onto Jaejoong so tightly. The man's careful hands caressed his back. It was all he could figure out to do. If his hunches were reliable enough to trust, he'd think Yunho was developing feelings for him, but it seemed too impossible in his perspective.
"Jae, I don't know how or when but I can't let Siwon have you." Yunho couldn't find it in himself to say the exact words, he was afraid he'll lose the only thing he had with Jaejoong.
"Shhh… Yunho," he tried comforting him as much as he can. Deeming him too drunk, he pulls him up and walks both of them out of the lessening crowd of the club.
He drives him home, freshens him up and stays with him. Afraid that he'll choke asleep when the alcohol acts up and rises up his throat.
His subconscious was telling him he'd ruined something beautiful but he wasn't sure which thing he was supposed to fix, but he was certain it all involved Jaejoong.
Jaejoong takes the seat near Yunho's desk and looks around the room. The dimness making him feel a little cold. He looks out into the now starless city sky and tries to make up conclusions with the things he heard that night.
He looks back at Yunho's non-moving form. Unlike over a month ago, his face wasn't peaceful even in sleep. His face looked hard and troubled, like he's been carrying something heavy in his heart and it shows when he thinks nobody sees him.
Moving closer to the sleeping form, he sits on the floor and looks closely. His finger tracing a shallow crease on Yunho's forehead, it soothes and his face looks a little bit more angelic.
"Yunho, have I been away that long for you to keep secrets?" he says softer than a whisper. Somehow, he feels his heart tug at the thought of their friendship losing against Siwon's advances.
Yunho stirs half-awake, Jaejoong keeps his eyes on him with worry. The man goes back to sleep and turns around, rolling himself into the blanket.
Jaejoong timely entered his room with water and aspirin when Yunho wakes up, "How're you feeling?"
"Jae, what did I do last night?" he looked at Jaejoong blankly but didn't sit up, he remained laid out on the bed, just pushed the comforter off of him and ran his fingers through messy hair.
He didn't know how to put the events into words without making anything awkward, because no matter how he phrased it in his head, it would seem like he had the idea that Yunho was inappropriately possessive of him.
"Did I pass out on you?"
"Yunho," he had to clear it up somehow, he thought, if they begin keeping things from each other, then their friendship would definitely be close to over, "What did you mean when you said you can't let me go?"
They stared at each other, waiting for the other to speak or ease up the building anxiousness of one another. "Well, exactly that." Yunho tore his gaze away and started playing with the sheets under his palm. This was it.
"Siwon, you know, he's," Jaejoong began, "He's sincere, he's been taking care of me how we said we deserve to be taken care of, he's smart, obviously good looking, he's in good terms with his family whom I've yet to meet, he's- Yunho, you know, its the first time I've felt this happy and secure about someone on this level of a relationship."
Yunho's blood boiled, his headache was making it worse and his temper was the last thing he wanted to explode on Jaejoong, "He's perfect, isn't he? For you." Jaejoong nods, a small smile playing at his lips which makes his heart cringe.
"Then maybe you should know that he's not the only one who wants to do all those things for you. He's not the only one in love with you. And-" Yunho chokes as he stifles a sob and then breathes out.
Jaejoong froze in his seat, the more he listened to Yunho the more he wanted to scream at the chaos that was possibly bound to happen.
"When I saw you that night with him at the bar, foolish thoughts lingered in my head. That maybe all this time I've been too contented with having you beside me all the time to the point I somehow thought you felt the same way but it turns out you didn't. Because you needed more than what a best friend could give."
"Yunho, stop-"
"Please, Jae, just listen…" it wasn't just his words pleading, "I'm confused, lost, whatever. I was supposed to be happy for you but I felt…" he paused, flailing his hands lazily in the air trying to find a word, "Weird."
"Since then, I couldn't call or even message you because I was up on paranoia that one call would give it away that I was in love with you and I was afraid that you'd be disappointed and all. I don't even know why, but that's just how I felt." He chuckled sarcastically, realizing how pathetic he seems at the moment.
"But then," he breathes heavily, "you came around all worried and then I can't control it anymore because you always gave me hope that we were on the same page because you're too good a best friend. A fact I always forget, really." Both of them try to laugh but it doesn't lighten up anything, "Maybe I said the other things last night."
The stillness of the room was mortifying, the silence all the more consuming and Yunho was wondering if he had really said anything because it feels like it all only happened in his head.
"Drink this," Jaejoong breaks the silence, helps him up and hands him the medicine, "Rest. I'm- I'll be-" His points to the door with his thumb before standing up straight, "I'll call to check up on you. O-okay? Uhm… Bye, Yunho."
Don't fucking say goodbye. Yunho wanted to blurt out.
Over-thinking begins and then he decides he'd ignore everything instead, using friendship as the only reason and excuse. Because that's all that there is.
In all honesty with himself, Jaejoong doesn't know how to deal with their current situation. Knowing either way he could hurt his best friend. He wasn't selfish enough to ignore his feelings, neither was he that altruistic to just give in any which way.
He was living through a toxic week, busy schedules to meet deadlines and catch up on actually taking care of himself. It was hard, knowing he can't easily rely on the first person he always came home to at times like this. He knows better than to build up other people's hopes.
Its been five days, and it felt heavier now than the last time they spent apart. Siwon's been trying to make him feel better, but what would he know? Jaejoong wouldn't tell him anything.
"Jae," they walked into an ice cream shop, "I'm here if you need to talk, if it makes you feel any better." Siwon smiles. There wasn't any room for doubt, he'd been bearing with Jaejoong's downcast mood swings despite not knowing of its reasons.
"Siwon, I'm confused." He tells him but doesn't elaborate too much, "I'm sorry." He heaves a deep breath as he takes the first spoonfuls of his Strawberry Ice Cream Sundae.
"Well, take it all out on ice cream if you don't want to talk about it, hm?" He feels like a girl, of course he doesn't like it. He'd seen it, PMS-ing and how annoying it is to be the only one who feels that way and have to pour everything out on one man. In this case, Siwon, who doesn't even budge no matter what. Who just watches as Jaejoong's face lights up slowly, enjoying every bite of comfort the treat temporarily serves.
All or nothing, you think, so keep trying. But when you start trying, doesn't it mean you've forgotten? You'd rather think you've changed.
A few days pass and they meet. After all, they still are best friends (at least, Yunho thinks so). And its not like he wouldn't even try to do anything after all that's happened.
He finds himself on Jaejoong's doorstep, fidgeting and suddenly thinking twice if he was supposed to be there, if he still had the right to be there because doubts were suddenly filling him up to the brim.
What happens next makes him regret he went. Makes him think more foolish of himself.
"Ah, Yunho?" Voice ever so calm and melodious, you'd forget your anger when you hear it, all the more when he says your name. The moment he turns around to see him on the pavement, he's walking towards him with Siwon in tow. Yunho's heart breaks slowly instead.
It hadn't made a difference that he'd confessed. Maybe, he's too late.
"What're you doing here? You should've called, we wouldn't have gone out," Jaejoong doesn't look like he's just trying to disregard anything, "Been waiting long?"
On second thought, this wasn't how Jaejoong was. It was far from natural for both of them. He never had to wait outside, he had keys. They never called before showing up on each other's homes, because either felt like home.
He stays for a bit and plays the best friend card. Catches up, even if it meant deeper stabs from the other's stories of how the past few days he'd been with Siwon alone.
Yunho, well he's convincing himself that he's learning to be happy for him.
Quitters never win, no matter how cliche that is, it will make sense.
Yunho wasn't some hopeless romantic who lives on shit he'd found on romance pieces he was forced to read or watch somewhere sometime in the past. Things like, 'If you truly love someone, you'd set them free. When they come back, then you're meant to be.' You get the idea. He was more of the 'Fate is for losers, you make things happen for yourself.' type.
He was losing Jaejoong, he can feel them falling apart on everything. And he wasn't on for being scratched out of the other's life, too.
It wasn't just Siwon who'd muster all his guts for Jaejoong.
Call him immature, but that's how Jaejoong knows him, anyway.
Everything restarted one morning, when Jaejoong wakes up because of a muffled noise from outside his room. He can tell its from the telly, and he feels a bit of nostalgia. Yunho used to do that most of the time. He thinks, and then he rethinks before dashing out of his room.
"Y-Yunho?"
"Hi Jae, you're going to be late. It's half past eight, just so you know."
"Oh shit!" He hisses, "Why didn't you wake me up? How long have you been sitting there?"
"Well, I assumed you're already up, just taking long in the shower." He sniggers, "I guess there won't be breakfast, huh?"
"Shut up!" Jaejoong half-shouts as he gets back into his room to take a quick shower and prepare for class.
"Record fast!" Yunho teases as they walk out to the pavement, walking side by side.
Jaejoong hits him on the nape, "Yah, yah, keep making fun of me and I'll never pay for your food again, huh,"
"That's fine, I can sustain myself," he back fires and then silence slowly dawns on them.
"Yah," Jaejoong speaks, longing lined his voice, "Why'd you show up only now?"
"Did you miss me?" He jokes, and everyone knows jokes are half seriously meant.
"Of course, I did! Are you stupid? Even if you-" The smaller man cuts himself off, realizing what he almost uttered.
"I was afraid you were mad at me," Yunho explains, "It was hard, knowing there's someone else you could rely on. You know, since, I've told you..."
"Does that have to change anything?"
With that, Yunho thinks he's got no hope past this friendship. That all Jaejoong wanted was for him to let the feeling die.
"Yunho," his voice sounded softer, as if taking everything into consideration that maybe anything he'll say would really hurt the other, "I can't give you what you want but we can't just throw everything away, can't we?"
"Well," he says, "I don't want to force anything on you or on me, I just want you to accept that maybe I'm not happy anymore."
"There we go, that's the Yunho I know," the selfishness was there, very evident and despite the request, Jaejoong still smiles, "I'm not the one holding your emotions, remember that. Its not like we both chose for us to feel this way... And don't even say sorry, because no one's at fault."
Yunho doesn't respond, he reduces to thinking that he's not supposed to be trying to escape anything but live through it because no matter how he wants to take matters into his own hands, everything didn't begin with a decision he made but nobody's. Things just happened, life happened and he's not supposed to die on it.
"I'm guessing, you don't like Siwon, anymore," Jaejoong said, "If you must know, I'm having a hard time, too."
"I've thought that, of course. He's stealing you away from me!" He childishly replies, "If I could do anything to make you feel better, I'll give it a shot."
"Really?" Jaejoong eyes him and Yunho nods quite nervously, "Leave my feelings out of your concerns."
'What if I'm trying to win them?' Yunho wanted to ask back, but was Jaejoong ready for that? "I'll try," he says instead, "You have to remind me constantly, though."
They arrive a little late for class but neither cared, they sat in the back of the room. Everything felt normal for the first time in almost a whole month.
Yunho holds himself back whenever Jaejoong tells him he's going to be out with Siwon for dinner. He tells himself that he's going to be civil around him, not show the man any weakness to think himself better for Jaejoong. But at the end of the day, he asks his best friend about everything that happened and he'd be smacked with either a pillow on the couch or the television remote, with Jaejoong reminding him that its none of his business.
They spend alcohol-free nights at Jaejoong's place because he cooks all the time and he did miss cooking for Yunho, too. Drowning in different movies and series marathons like there's no school.
"Jae," Yunho stirs up from lying down on the shag rug and looks up at the man on the couch, "Can I ask you something, please don't hit me?"
"Why?"
"I just want to know," he scratches the back of his ear, "Do you like him? Come to think of it, I don't really know exactly."
"I told you, you can't meddle with those things." Jaejoong replies monotonously, attention obviously on the telly.
Yunho gives it up and takes it as a 'yes' because he assumes the only reason Jaejoong didn't want to open those things to him was because he didn't want to say things directly at his face and hurt him every time.
He lays back and goes back to the movie.
A couple of months turn up and nothing's happening. Siwon was beginning to doubt his efforts were going anywhere but he's still holding on to hopes because Jaejoong tells him things that only both of them know. He confides in him but how far can he really go with nothing but secrets?
He begins to patch things up in his head, like he wasn't any different from where Yunho stood.
At some point, he almost called Jaejoong a manipulative person but what does he know between him and Yunho, anyway? Its not like Jaejoong told him to do everything he tells him to.
Jaejoong was waiting for both or at least one of them to give up. He can finally see that, he knows that if Jaejoong told him to he won't listen so he acts indifferent instead.
He came around the thought when he weighed down reasons to who had more chances.
"Jae, you do know that no matter how much you try to show me nothing I can still see past through it, right?" Yunho was pissing him off, he can't even deny it.
"Yunho, can't you shut up? I'm trying to finish my paper!"
"I can tell, you're not as stressed anymore."
He drops his head on the desk and groans, "Okay, what's up? Why can't you leave me alone for a while?"
"Because I can see~" Yunho sing-songs, "Siwon doesn't show up as often anymore~"
"And you're happy about that because?"
"I didn't say I was happy about it," Yunho casually says, "I'm just saying you look brighter without him around."
"Really?" Jaejoong doesn't budge and Yunho moves forward.
"See? You don't even mind!"
"Why would I mind?"
"Well, if you liked him wouldn't you be sad?"
Their "argument" composed of Yunho being half excited and half mad at Jaejoong's reactions to all that he's saying. After approximately ten minutes, he stops and leaves Jaejoong alone to finish his paperwork.
He was losing more hope and he didn't like it. He was supposed to win, he was supposed to get him this time, Why does Jaejoong always have it his way? He thinks, even if Jaejoong would always let him be. Jaejoong had always been letting him be.
Yunho spent days away from Jaejoong to see if the boy can do without him. Truth be told, he was insecure, the possibility that it would only do him worse and not affect the other one made him so. The thought that he'd done it before tells him that he can handle it, but can he really?
There weren't phone calls and all. Jaejoong didn't attend classes as far as Yunho can see from those they took together. And there weren't much people looking for him, too. Even at parties and the bars they used to frequent, Yunho went in hopes that Jaejoong would be there but he never is.
It was high time he thought about himself again. He thinks there isn't anything he can do about the out come anymore. Why did he always have to make the first move? Why does it seem that Jaejoong doesn't need anybody to be contented? Why doesn't he seem to care about anything?
It was stupid, they were stupid, the shit boggling his mind. It was some sort of torture leading him in far deeper, the more he resisted.
He gets a phone call from the other boy a couple of weeks later and he contemplates on answering it. One, he was weak, anything Jaejoong would tell him would affect him. Two, he wanted to know how far he can leave him alone. And three, just for the heck of it, he wanted to see if Jaejoong can be persistent, too.
The phone stops ringing and goes to voice mail but Jaejoong doesn't leave a message.
It goes on for days. It stopped when Yunho absent-mindedly answered his phone in the middle of his sleep. "Hello?" He slurs, he feels like he's half dreaming.
"You finally answered!" Jaejoong shouts into the phone and Yunho fumbles with the device in his hand, "DON'T YOU DARE HANG UP!"
"What? I'm sleeping, don't you at least have the decency to not bother me? At this hour, most of all!"
"Well, I figured I should call you when you least expect it so you'd answer, because you haven't been for the past… Oh I don't know, four days?!"
"You sound like a girl. But- Why are you even mad? You're the one who woke me up. What are you up to, anyway?" Yunho sleepily replies, trying hard to put some tone on his questions.
"Because just when I thought you'd figured things out, you walk away!" His energy was so high and driven.
"I? I walked away?" He was partly awake now, "Now, I don't have the right to try and move on?"
"What is wrong with you? Why can't you pick it up?"
"Pick what up? You're the one who never says anything and you're blaming me? You call me in the middle of the night to talk and then you blame everything on me? And you ask me what's wrong?" Yunho rubs his temples, maybe this was one of Jaejoong's random outbursts but it really came in the wrong time right now, "Look, I'm tired. I'm beginning to accept some things and maybe, if we took some time apart, I'd go back to being best friends with you. Just understand my situation a little, please?"
"No!" Yunho can hear Jaejoong moving on the end of the line, "I'm freaking coming over, goddamn. You don't get it, do you?"
"I'm sleeping, come over in the morning."
"No! I won't be able to sleep! Wait for me!" And he hangs up with that as he rushes to Yunho's place.
Yunho forgot Jaejoong had keys to his apartment. And much to his dismay, his expected time of the other's arrival was minutes later than he actually arrived.
"Now what?" he asks apathetically.
"I can't let you leave, okay?"
"Not okay. Are you planning on enslaving me?" Frankly, Yunho was enjoying that Jaejoong was trying.
"What the fuck is going on in your head?! Of course, not!"
"Here's the deal, you stop dropping incoherent shit because I may be awake but I'm really half asleep right now and its your fault."
Jaejoong nods and breathes in and out heavily, thinking, Well, he asked for it.
"I turned Siwon down a few days before you left and never called me again." Yunho's head snaps to his direction, "Can't you figure out why? I mean, dissect the little things I've told you. Are you that passive to not get the hints?"
"Too bad, I am." Well, it was true, Jaejoong agreed now that he thought about it.
"I realized that if I lose you, I won't be happy even with Siwon around." His hands felt clammy and his heart was racing, he tried hard to keep his voice from shaking. "Sure, it wasn't our whole lives that we've known each other but is it about that?"
"Every time I was with Siwon, I would wonder who you were possibly with. I worry if you would have eaten already, or if you're actually doing your school work or if you're still drinking like there's no tomorrow."
"When you told me, that night when you were dead drunk, I was confused because I knew you were most honest when you're drunk. I didn't even give you any proper reply and just left," he lets out a short chuckle and smirks, "That's becoming a habit of us, isn't it? Why can't we face these issues head on..."
"I wanted to be brave enough to face you because you've done your part. It was weird that we needed someone else to come into our life, and hurt him in the process, to find out how we feel about each other, but what can we do and what did we know back then?"
"It's a huge step to take, from being friends to becoming more than just that, because when feelings get involved things get messy and I don't want to lose you completely. I don't think I can live like that,"
"Maybe, its sad that I'm thinking negatively about us but-"
Yunho stood up and headed for the door, staging a walk out, "Yah! Where the fuck do you think you're going!?" Jaejoong's jaw practically hit the floor before yelling at him.
"I'm just kidding," Yunho smiles mockingly at him before going back to where Jaejoong sat. A lighter mood surrounding them. He pulls Jaejoong up and takes him into an embrace, warm and comforting, although both of them are uncertain if it was one platonic or not. He knows, no matter how selfish Yunho can be, he's willing to invest time and effort on him, and everything else.
It lasted minutes. And while it happened he wanted to know what the taller man is thinking, he couldn't even see his face but he can feel his heart beat faster than normal. Jaejoong heaves a sigh, calming down and molding firming into Yunho's body, digging his face into his chest when tears started running down from his eyes and soaking the other's shirt.
"Jae, why are you crying?" he asks while laughing lightly, soothing the other's back.
"I thought you were really gonna walk out on me." Jaejoong hit his chest and arms, real hard punches came his way but he still can't put his laughter to a stop, let alone, stop smiling.
"I admit, though, I just wanted to see how you'd react." This time Jaejoong kicks his shin.
"Hmm," the beautiful boy hummed, "Well, it wasn't that bad."
"What do you mean, 'it wasn't that bad'?" Yunho imitates the way Jaejoong said it.
"What?! I just thought it'd be really awkward to kiss your best friend," Jaejoong shrugs. Albeit, thankful that the place was pretty dim, he can feel his cheeks burning.
"Awkward? You fucking shoved your tongue in my mouth!" He moderately replies. Yunho was thankful they were alone in the theatre, or he hopes they really were alone. What if the acting pool of the university theatre organization was actually behind the curtains? He kept thinking.
"I don't see you complaining about that, really." Jaejoong smiled, and Yunho did too. It was stupid how they were trying to hide how giddy they actually are, like high school girls who'd practically melt at the sight of the person they like.
gaypop! I'm sorry it took so long for me to write off your plot~ I hope the outcome's okay.And I will find a way to you if it kills me~
Gone was the playful knocking of his heart, replaced by a steady thumping that plainly translates to a certain feeling he previously never tried to realize he had for the other boy.
Had he been that afloat above reality to notice that he had began falling somewhere along the way?
Yunho was in denial.
"Okay, that's enough. Get off of me." Yunho monotonously uttered, his best friend backed off, casually setting another drink down on the bar where he was found with a guy who was pushing his thin chances on him.
"That's the…" Jaejoong counted in his head, "I estimate that's about the ninth time this month you've called me down in the middle of the night to shoo away strangers you're too kind to decline on your own."
"I don't not decline them, they just don't listen." Yunho hisses, annoyed, "And its not like I'm the only one in this same shit hole." He sniggers, remembering Jaejoong's desperate call a few nights ago. Something like, 'Yunho, I need you to rage on this stupid cocky bastard who really doesn't get it. Now!'
"Shut up! It was effective, you can't disagree."
"Exactly! Its an easy way out, and its pretty easy to pretend and all."
"Easy, yeah sure," Jaejoong mocks, "Why can't you just leave the bar early?"
"But Jae~" Yunho sneaks a signal as the stranger previously hitting on him was intently observing his every move. "I think we better go, he's creepy." He leans in and whispers into his ear and Jaejoong giggles as if he'd said something utterly naughty.
They trudge off, Jaejoong's arms circling Yunho's waist as the other's arm finds comfort around the smaller man's shoulders.
At some point, one realizes the place someone holds in his heart when someone else tries to snatch that person away. And then, he wouldn't have the right to hold him back.
Jaejoong was on his way out of class when a tap on his shoulder stopped him midway. He turned, his face with a friendly questioning look, as if egging the person to say whatever it is he wanted to say. "Hi, it might be kind of sudden but if you're free right now, would it be okay to go with me for lunch?"
It was surprising, he admits, "Oh. Siwon, right?" Jaejoong felt ashamed and uneasy, it shows, he wasn't even sure of his classmate's name, "I'm sorry, but I have class immediately after this." He smiled apologetically as the other boy nodded in understanding.
"Ah, a-alright then. I'll- I'll see you when I see you." Siwon smiled and reluctantly walked away, trying to hide the disappointment on his handsome face.
Jaejoong felt a little uncomfortable, turning him down. The boy was nice and the shyness was quite adorable, too. It was refreshing.
A fake relationship. It doesn't seem too convenient anymore when one lets his feelings be lead on. It was a comfortable escape at first, until guards are let down, next thing you know you're in too deep after being oblivious for a longer time than you imagine.
He figured it was why he wasn't interested in any of them, he was probably content with Jaejoong already by then, though he never tried to think on why.
Yunho entered the bar and scanned the place as he looked for Jaejoong in the crowd. The band was beginning their first set for the night and as far as he knew, they're the reason Jaejoong wanted to come tonight.
It was when he saw him sitting on a bar stool, comfortably chatting with a guy. 'At least he looks our age,' Yunho thinks as he approached them.
"Ah, there you are!" the shorter man had motioned for him to meet his new friend, "This is Siwon. We have Literature class together. And Yunho, my best friend."
The introduction took him by surprise, he wasn't there to push away another hopeful man who wanted to get into Jaejoong's pants. Tonight, he was a best friend and he didn't know what to do aside from watch the band that was actually good enough to entertain him through out the night so he could drown out the unpleasant tugging in his system. Plus, the fact that three's a crowd, he believed.
Happiness often shields one's heart from more wants because its usually what people want the most.
"Please?" Yunho tried his best at convincing the other that he had plenty of time to catch up on homework, "Jae, I won't stop until you get up, dress up and leave for the pub with me!"
"I told you no. It's not that hard to understand. Get it through your thick skull, huh?" Jaejoong was on the brink of anger. Sometimes his best friend just had to get what he wanted so bad, he forgets the world doesn't revolve around him.
"Its not that hard to understand what I said either!"
"I'm not fazed. I'll stay home and get these things I need to do, done." Jaejoong shakes his head disappointedly at his bratty behavior, "Come to think of it, you better do the same. You're falling behind on some subjects."
"You're nagging. I don't need that right now."
"You don't need alcohol, that I'm sure."
"Jae! Can we just please?!"
"NO." His voice went deeper, stern and his tone was dead serious.
Yunho stomped away defeated, he was going to drink alone for the first time since he became friends with the pretty man.
"Yunho, do you want to watch Copa America at the pub tonight?" He felt bad for exchanging his best friend for homework over a week ago.
They haven't been talking much after that because Yunho wanted to make Jaejoong guilty. He was childish that way.
"Come on, Yunho. I'm paying." He poked the cheek of the man on the couch.
"Jae, next time I'll just drink here if you won't go with me. Can I?"
"I'm sorry, okay? I won't do it again. But, please, can you be not much of a brat? You're kind of losing your place everywhere lately."
Yunho kept quiet. He was becoming stupid and it was all for the fun of getting drunk and having an excuse to not go to class the next day because of a headache. A hangover headache. It was pathetic.
It used to be a lot easier to talk and take each other's time.
He kind of regrets playing lovers at the clubs because it gave him something to hold on to. Those times when Jaejoong looked into his eyes and he wished that at some point, there was sincerity in the middle of it all. And then his heart falls, because he deems it impossible, all too comfortable to not be a joke.
He was over at Jaejoong's apartment watching some 90's cartoons since the early evening. Jaejoong emerges from the kitchen with cookies and s'mores he'd prepared. "I don't have alcohol tonight, what else do you want?"
"Milk?" Jaejoong shot him an are-you-kidding? look, "Why? It fits well with these!" Jaejoong shrugged and got the milk carton from the fridge and two tall glasses.
They continued watching the telly until dawn, laughing and talking so much about how ridiculously full of innuendos those cartoons they used to watch as kids were.
"We were all practically mind-fucked, huh?" They concluded by the end of the night's marathon, "Help me bring those to the counter, hey." Yunho stood up and followed Jaejoong to the kitchen sink.
A few long quiet seconds pass, "Jae, that guy from the bar last time, is he nice?" He suddenly commented, "By any chance-"
"I think so, Yunho." Jaejoong smiled and replied a little excitedly, "Its not so often someone is considerate enough to go slow on you. He'd invited me to lunch a couple of times before I finally had time. Kind of felt bad the first time he asked coz I said no, thought he'd end it there."
"Yeah." He answers, unsure of what to say next. He wanted to throw Jaejoong a lot of questions but decided he must be tired from staying up all night, laughing their heads off.
"That's pretty random." He looks to Yunho who simply chuckles and smiles again.
Yunho takes it that his smiles were because Siwon might be the first guy to possibly make this lovely man live a little more out of the boxed routine they had set for themselves more than over two years ago.
Yunho felt he wasn't enough for Jaejoong. Well, of course, he wasn't. There's a world of a difference between a boyfriend and a best friend, anyway.
"Jaejoong," Siwon approached the boy, helping him with his books and accompanied him to his next class, "I got passes to that event you mentioned a while ago, downtown, I thought I'd give you the other ticket."
Jaejoong stopped on his tracks, "Holy mother of-! Are you serious?!" Siwon nodded and the smaller man put his arms around Siwon's neck for a hug. As if out of instinct he moved away, realizing that he'd invaded his personal space without permission, "Ah- I-I'm sorry about that. Heh…" he says, scratching his nape.
"Its fine, I don't mind." Siwon pulled him close and put an arm around his shoulder protectively before sauntering to Jaejoong's next class with gentle smiles on their faces and a conversation about the smaller boy's excitement.
He was losing time.
Day by day, Jaejoong seemed to get closer to Siwon and Yunho was pulling further away, just watching him from afar. He could call him, he could text, its not a big issue between best friends but somehow he found that it was difficult to maintain the same thing when you've discovered that what you want to have is way past it.
Siwon picks him up almost every morning. There are days when he finds himself seated on the other's comfortable passenger seat, other times side by side on a bus and fewer times walking the few blocks to a cafe they now frequent and then walk more to university just in time for their respective classes.
Yunho sees it, of course. Jaejoong would tell him when he can't be there. But he finds Jaejoong's smile a little too endearing to wipe off with his possessiveness. So, he waits until the other one finds his presence too scarce to make the effort instead. He knew it was stupid but couldn't decide against it.
Confusion makes one the little fool in denial. Fear creates jealousy. Intimidation follows suit and then a long suffering drift that's never necessary.
Yunho had this mental argument between confessing and letting the emotion die away. He was hopeless, he knew it wouldn't go away as easily as he'd ignored it before. And confessing… He had to think about it but it crossed his mind that at some point, Jaejoong would eventually to know. And if he will, why not take his chances all together?
"Yunho?" Jaejoong visited him at the apartment one afternoon, "There you are!" He found him bumming around.
"J-Jae? Jae!" He put on a shirt as he got up from the shag rug in the living room, "Wh-what brings you here?"
"What, I can't visit my best friend who's been MIA for the past couple of weeks? I'm worried, you're mad at me."
"W-well, no, of course not. I just didn't want to disturb you and Siwon, you know."
"Its not like we're dating already, Yun. You don't even come over for dinner anymore. Are you fed up with my cooking?"
"No! No, I-" Yunho scratched his head, 'It's not like we're dating already, Yun.' it rings in his head while he tries to find words that won't make things between them quite foreign and awkward, "Are you going to cook dinner? Is that why you came here? Coz I'm pretty hungry, now that you mention it." He smiled a little teasingly.
"Yes, that." Jaejoong laughs at his silliness, "And, I missed you!" He came into a half-run to hug Yunho.
"That's- Don't say cheesy stuff like that, Jae." His arms were locked on his sides and Jaejoong pretty much squished him in his embrace before letting go.
"What's cheesy? I wouldn't have to say it if you showed up on nights you regularly showed up. You don't even drink anymore, is there something wrong?"
"I'm jealous," he didn't notice he thought it aloud.
Jaejoong let out a laugh, "What are you talking about? We can still spend time even with Siwon around! Don't be like that. Its not like he's stealing me away from you, right? Bros before hoes."
Yunho decided it was game over.
Maybe, he just had to get used to spending less time with Jaejoong. Or maybe, he should get a life outside of clubs, bars and pubs. A distraction, he thinks its what he needed for missing how he was with Jaejoong more by the minute.
They catch up and talk endlessly until the early hours of the next morning. Yunho's heart was chipping off little by little with every story Jaejoong told him about Siwon, all too enthusiastically. He seemed too good to be true, but then, so was Jaejoong.
He felt the urge to confess right then and there because he was afraid that the next time they see each other like this, Jaejoong would tell him about how he and Siwon are finally together.
"Are you going out today?" He asks in the middle of one of Jaejoong's stories, "Can we just stay home today, Jae?"
"Well, Siwon asked me out to dinner. Why?"
"Or rather can we go out for drinks?" He pleaded as casually as he can to not make anything suspicious, "I mean, when was the last time we went out?"
"I'll give him a call, okay?" Yunho smiles and feels a little assured that tonight, Jaejoong wouldn't have a boyfriend yet. And it wouldn't be wrong to confess and attempt.
People always have choices. What makes them think they don't is cowardice. If something priceless as friendship was up for you to lose, how far will you go to save it? If it wasn't exactly a loss, how much are you willing to risk to find out?
Yunho tried to pry off the sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach, urging him to stand up and admit it to himself before throwing blames around. Besides, it wasn't anybody's fault anyway.
"Yunho," he sing-sang, "You're not okay, I can tell. What's bothering you?"
As Yunho drove them into the lot of the most decent club he'd found over a couple and a half weeks ago, he contemplated on when would be the so-called right time to confess. "I'll tell you over drinks," he smiles and then hisses as he rolls down his window, "GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY!" His car horn blows as a bunch of drunken retards tried to move their heavy bodies over to the sides, "Jesus, what's with people lately? Stupid. Stupid everywhere."
"Hey." Jaejoong calls, "If you want to drink, its fine, but don't get into a fight, hm? You're too intense."
"I'm sorry, Jae," he breathes out a heavy sigh and tried to smile, "I've just been exhausted lately. I should've listened to you when you told me to catch up on school work."
"Ooh… We don't see each other a few days and you're being a bit mushy!" he attempts to lift his spirits, "Who are you and where did you dispose of my real Yunho?"
Yunho found it in him to ruffle the smaller man's hair before snapping off the seat belt and quickly getting out of his car, laughing as Jaejoong struggles to unlock his in haste. He runs after him, and bumps into Yunho's back, who stops when he realizes how packed the club is.
"Think you can get through?" Yunho asks him, clutching at his wrist as if he'd get lost in the sea of people. Unconsciously, he pries away Yunho's hand and holds onto his waist, instead, "Jae?"
"Let's go, I think the lounge doesn't have as much people." Jaejoong replies. He secures an arm over his shoulder and weaves them through.
They find a cozy couch and coffee table near the walls of the club, a spot remotely private, and then places orders of vodka and stuff to munch on.
When you've gone too far, "mind over matter" won't cut it anymore, because the rising emotions in your heart will always defeat reason with passion.
Yunho watches his own shots later on, smiling at more of Jaejoong's stories and on the verge of slapping his own face at how he's dragging the night on and not saying anything to even lead to the confession.
The beautiful man lights a cigarette, "I've been talking all night, you still haven't told me about what's been up with you."
"Yeah, about that, I don't really know where to start." He scratches his nape out of habit.
"Like what? We have all night, don't we?" Jaejoong reassures.
He narrates comically how he's much of a loner since Jaejoong met Siwon, half-meaning to make the other boy guilty about not spending time with him as much anymore. He gets teased about being jealous, and he almost chokes on his words when he says he is.
Jaejoong tells him its cute, that he's actually protective, other than being a restless bordering-alcoholic.
Yunho makes an effort to sway the conversation somewhere else, admitting his faults over the past weeks because he'd been slacking off and now he's turning insomniac from consecutive sleepless nights cramming paperworks. "You're always right, aren't you?" They laugh lightly, heads already spinning.
"But you don't get sad over these things." Knowing him, there must be something deeper that's causing him to be distracted and blank.
Yunho wonders then if somehow, Jaejoong had sensed the difference between the then and the now between them. His thoughts wander off into the depths of his drunken brain, there was no way he could prove himself wrong of how he felt for the other man because it was blaring in his head. And maybe, if he said it now, he'd have his chance of letting it go along with the right to say that he tried.
"Well, if you're not ready to tell me anything, its okay. But enough on the drinks, huh?" Jaejoong pushes his torso to rest on the cushion, observing him after the sudden change of atmosphere.
"Jae, I-" he takes one more shot of vodka before Jaejoong could snatch it away from him, "I can't."
"You can't?" He looks at him straight in the eyes, waiting, curious.
"I can't just watch you go." Yunho drops his head at the tone he shamelessly used, he was like a kid about to throw tantrums.
"I'm not going anywhere, am I?" The relatively sober man moves closer.
"Siwon, he's-" Yunho's eyes were a bit droopy but they were turning glassy, "he's going to take you away. And-" He looks up, trying to push back tears that were about to fall. His emotions were on overdrive from being kept in too long, "I'm scared that if I tell you, you'd choose to go away with him."
"Yunho." In a heartbeat, he was clinging onto Jaejoong so tightly. The man's careful hands caressed his back. It was all he could figure out to do. If his hunches were reliable enough to trust, he'd think Yunho was developing feelings for him, but it seemed too impossible in his perspective.
"Jae, I don't know how or when but I can't let Siwon have you." Yunho couldn't find it in himself to say the exact words, he was afraid he'll lose the only thing he had with Jaejoong.
"Shhh… Yunho," he tried comforting him as much as he can. Deeming him too drunk, he pulls him up and walks both of them out of the lessening crowd of the club.
He drives him home, freshens him up and stays with him. Afraid that he'll choke asleep when the alcohol acts up and rises up his throat.
His subconscious was telling him he'd ruined something beautiful but he wasn't sure which thing he was supposed to fix, but he was certain it all involved Jaejoong.
Jaejoong takes the seat near Yunho's desk and looks around the room. The dimness making him feel a little cold. He looks out into the now starless city sky and tries to make up conclusions with the things he heard that night.
He looks back at Yunho's non-moving form. Unlike over a month ago, his face wasn't peaceful even in sleep. His face looked hard and troubled, like he's been carrying something heavy in his heart and it shows when he thinks nobody sees him.
Moving closer to the sleeping form, he sits on the floor and looks closely. His finger tracing a shallow crease on Yunho's forehead, it soothes and his face looks a little bit more angelic.
"Yunho, have I been away that long for you to keep secrets?" he says softer than a whisper. Somehow, he feels his heart tug at the thought of their friendship losing against Siwon's advances.
Yunho stirs half-awake, Jaejoong keeps his eyes on him with worry. The man goes back to sleep and turns around, rolling himself into the blanket.
Jaejoong timely entered his room with water and aspirin when Yunho wakes up, "How're you feeling?"
"Jae, what did I do last night?" he looked at Jaejoong blankly but didn't sit up, he remained laid out on the bed, just pushed the comforter off of him and ran his fingers through messy hair.
He didn't know how to put the events into words without making anything awkward, because no matter how he phrased it in his head, it would seem like he had the idea that Yunho was inappropriately possessive of him.
"Did I pass out on you?"
"Yunho," he had to clear it up somehow, he thought, if they begin keeping things from each other, then their friendship would definitely be close to over, "What did you mean when you said you can't let me go?"
They stared at each other, waiting for the other to speak or ease up the building anxiousness of one another. "Well, exactly that." Yunho tore his gaze away and started playing with the sheets under his palm. This was it.
"Siwon, you know, he's," Jaejoong began, "He's sincere, he's been taking care of me how we said we deserve to be taken care of, he's smart, obviously good looking, he's in good terms with his family whom I've yet to meet, he's- Yunho, you know, its the first time I've felt this happy and secure about someone on this level of a relationship."
Yunho's blood boiled, his headache was making it worse and his temper was the last thing he wanted to explode on Jaejoong, "He's perfect, isn't he? For you." Jaejoong nods, a small smile playing at his lips which makes his heart cringe.
"Then maybe you should know that he's not the only one who wants to do all those things for you. He's not the only one in love with you. And-" Yunho chokes as he stifles a sob and then breathes out.
Jaejoong froze in his seat, the more he listened to Yunho the more he wanted to scream at the chaos that was possibly bound to happen.
"When I saw you that night with him at the bar, foolish thoughts lingered in my head. That maybe all this time I've been too contented with having you beside me all the time to the point I somehow thought you felt the same way but it turns out you didn't. Because you needed more than what a best friend could give."
"Yunho, stop-"
"Please, Jae, just listen…" it wasn't just his words pleading, "I'm confused, lost, whatever. I was supposed to be happy for you but I felt…" he paused, flailing his hands lazily in the air trying to find a word, "Weird."
"Since then, I couldn't call or even message you because I was up on paranoia that one call would give it away that I was in love with you and I was afraid that you'd be disappointed and all. I don't even know why, but that's just how I felt." He chuckled sarcastically, realizing how pathetic he seems at the moment.
"But then," he breathes heavily, "you came around all worried and then I can't control it anymore because you always gave me hope that we were on the same page because you're too good a best friend. A fact I always forget, really." Both of them try to laugh but it doesn't lighten up anything, "Maybe I said the other things last night."
The stillness of the room was mortifying, the silence all the more consuming and Yunho was wondering if he had really said anything because it feels like it all only happened in his head.
"Drink this," Jaejoong breaks the silence, helps him up and hands him the medicine, "Rest. I'm- I'll be-" His points to the door with his thumb before standing up straight, "I'll call to check up on you. O-okay? Uhm… Bye, Yunho."
Don't fucking say goodbye. Yunho wanted to blurt out.
Over-thinking begins and then he decides he'd ignore everything instead, using friendship as the only reason and excuse. Because that's all that there is.
In all honesty with himself, Jaejoong doesn't know how to deal with their current situation. Knowing either way he could hurt his best friend. He wasn't selfish enough to ignore his feelings, neither was he that altruistic to just give in any which way.
He was living through a toxic week, busy schedules to meet deadlines and catch up on actually taking care of himself. It was hard, knowing he can't easily rely on the first person he always came home to at times like this. He knows better than to build up other people's hopes.
Its been five days, and it felt heavier now than the last time they spent apart. Siwon's been trying to make him feel better, but what would he know? Jaejoong wouldn't tell him anything.
"Jae," they walked into an ice cream shop, "I'm here if you need to talk, if it makes you feel any better." Siwon smiles. There wasn't any room for doubt, he'd been bearing with Jaejoong's downcast mood swings despite not knowing of its reasons.
"Siwon, I'm confused." He tells him but doesn't elaborate too much, "I'm sorry." He heaves a deep breath as he takes the first spoonfuls of his Strawberry Ice Cream Sundae.
"Well, take it all out on ice cream if you don't want to talk about it, hm?" He feels like a girl, of course he doesn't like it. He'd seen it, PMS-ing and how annoying it is to be the only one who feels that way and have to pour everything out on one man. In this case, Siwon, who doesn't even budge no matter what. Who just watches as Jaejoong's face lights up slowly, enjoying every bite of comfort the treat temporarily serves.
All or nothing, you think, so keep trying. But when you start trying, doesn't it mean you've forgotten? You'd rather think you've changed.
A few days pass and they meet. After all, they still are best friends (at least, Yunho thinks so). And its not like he wouldn't even try to do anything after all that's happened.
He finds himself on Jaejoong's doorstep, fidgeting and suddenly thinking twice if he was supposed to be there, if he still had the right to be there because doubts were suddenly filling him up to the brim.
What happens next makes him regret he went. Makes him think more foolish of himself.
"Ah, Yunho?" Voice ever so calm and melodious, you'd forget your anger when you hear it, all the more when he says your name. The moment he turns around to see him on the pavement, he's walking towards him with Siwon in tow. Yunho's heart breaks slowly instead.
It hadn't made a difference that he'd confessed. Maybe, he's too late.
"What're you doing here? You should've called, we wouldn't have gone out," Jaejoong doesn't look like he's just trying to disregard anything, "Been waiting long?"
On second thought, this wasn't how Jaejoong was. It was far from natural for both of them. He never had to wait outside, he had keys. They never called before showing up on each other's homes, because either felt like home.
He stays for a bit and plays the best friend card. Catches up, even if it meant deeper stabs from the other's stories of how the past few days he'd been with Siwon alone.
Yunho, well he's convincing himself that he's learning to be happy for him.
Quitters never win, no matter how cliche that is, it will make sense.
Yunho wasn't some hopeless romantic who lives on shit he'd found on romance pieces he was forced to read or watch somewhere sometime in the past. Things like, 'If you truly love someone, you'd set them free. When they come back, then you're meant to be.' You get the idea. He was more of the 'Fate is for losers, you make things happen for yourself.' type.
He was losing Jaejoong, he can feel them falling apart on everything. And he wasn't on for being scratched out of the other's life, too.
It wasn't just Siwon who'd muster all his guts for Jaejoong.
Call him immature, but that's how Jaejoong knows him, anyway.
Everything restarted one morning, when Jaejoong wakes up because of a muffled noise from outside his room. He can tell its from the telly, and he feels a bit of nostalgia. Yunho used to do that most of the time. He thinks, and then he rethinks before dashing out of his room.
"Y-Yunho?"
"Hi Jae, you're going to be late. It's half past eight, just so you know."
"Oh shit!" He hisses, "Why didn't you wake me up? How long have you been sitting there?"
"Well, I assumed you're already up, just taking long in the shower." He sniggers, "I guess there won't be breakfast, huh?"
"Shut up!" Jaejoong half-shouts as he gets back into his room to take a quick shower and prepare for class.
"Record fast!" Yunho teases as they walk out to the pavement, walking side by side.
Jaejoong hits him on the nape, "Yah, yah, keep making fun of me and I'll never pay for your food again, huh,"
"That's fine, I can sustain myself," he back fires and then silence slowly dawns on them.
"Yah," Jaejoong speaks, longing lined his voice, "Why'd you show up only now?"
"Did you miss me?" He jokes, and everyone knows jokes are half seriously meant.
"Of course, I did! Are you stupid? Even if you-" The smaller man cuts himself off, realizing what he almost uttered.
"I was afraid you were mad at me," Yunho explains, "It was hard, knowing there's someone else you could rely on. You know, since, I've told you..."
"Does that have to change anything?"
With that, Yunho thinks he's got no hope past this friendship. That all Jaejoong wanted was for him to let the feeling die.
"Yunho," his voice sounded softer, as if taking everything into consideration that maybe anything he'll say would really hurt the other, "I can't give you what you want but we can't just throw everything away, can't we?"
"Well," he says, "I don't want to force anything on you or on me, I just want you to accept that maybe I'm not happy anymore."
"There we go, that's the Yunho I know," the selfishness was there, very evident and despite the request, Jaejoong still smiles, "I'm not the one holding your emotions, remember that. Its not like we both chose for us to feel this way... And don't even say sorry, because no one's at fault."
Yunho doesn't respond, he reduces to thinking that he's not supposed to be trying to escape anything but live through it because no matter how he wants to take matters into his own hands, everything didn't begin with a decision he made but nobody's. Things just happened, life happened and he's not supposed to die on it.
"I'm guessing, you don't like Siwon, anymore," Jaejoong said, "If you must know, I'm having a hard time, too."
"I've thought that, of course. He's stealing you away from me!" He childishly replies, "If I could do anything to make you feel better, I'll give it a shot."
"Really?" Jaejoong eyes him and Yunho nods quite nervously, "Leave my feelings out of your concerns."
'What if I'm trying to win them?' Yunho wanted to ask back, but was Jaejoong ready for that? "I'll try," he says instead, "You have to remind me constantly, though."
They arrive a little late for class but neither cared, they sat in the back of the room. Everything felt normal for the first time in almost a whole month.
Yunho holds himself back whenever Jaejoong tells him he's going to be out with Siwon for dinner. He tells himself that he's going to be civil around him, not show the man any weakness to think himself better for Jaejoong. But at the end of the day, he asks his best friend about everything that happened and he'd be smacked with either a pillow on the couch or the television remote, with Jaejoong reminding him that its none of his business.
They spend alcohol-free nights at Jaejoong's place because he cooks all the time and he did miss cooking for Yunho, too. Drowning in different movies and series marathons like there's no school.
"Jae," Yunho stirs up from lying down on the shag rug and looks up at the man on the couch, "Can I ask you something, please don't hit me?"
"Why?"
"I just want to know," he scratches the back of his ear, "Do you like him? Come to think of it, I don't really know exactly."
"I told you, you can't meddle with those things." Jaejoong replies monotonously, attention obviously on the telly.
Yunho gives it up and takes it as a 'yes' because he assumes the only reason Jaejoong didn't want to open those things to him was because he didn't want to say things directly at his face and hurt him every time.
He lays back and goes back to the movie.
A couple of months turn up and nothing's happening. Siwon was beginning to doubt his efforts were going anywhere but he's still holding on to hopes because Jaejoong tells him things that only both of them know. He confides in him but how far can he really go with nothing but secrets?
He begins to patch things up in his head, like he wasn't any different from where Yunho stood.
At some point, he almost called Jaejoong a manipulative person but what does he know between him and Yunho, anyway? Its not like Jaejoong told him to do everything he tells him to.
Jaejoong was waiting for both or at least one of them to give up. He can finally see that, he knows that if Jaejoong told him to he won't listen so he acts indifferent instead.
He came around the thought when he weighed down reasons to who had more chances.
"Jae, you do know that no matter how much you try to show me nothing I can still see past through it, right?" Yunho was pissing him off, he can't even deny it.
"Yunho, can't you shut up? I'm trying to finish my paper!"
"I can tell, you're not as stressed anymore."
He drops his head on the desk and groans, "Okay, what's up? Why can't you leave me alone for a while?"
"Because I can see~" Yunho sing-songs, "Siwon doesn't show up as often anymore~"
"And you're happy about that because?"
"I didn't say I was happy about it," Yunho casually says, "I'm just saying you look brighter without him around."
"Really?" Jaejoong doesn't budge and Yunho moves forward.
"See? You don't even mind!"
"Why would I mind?"
"Well, if you liked him wouldn't you be sad?"
Their "argument" composed of Yunho being half excited and half mad at Jaejoong's reactions to all that he's saying. After approximately ten minutes, he stops and leaves Jaejoong alone to finish his paperwork.
He was losing more hope and he didn't like it. He was supposed to win, he was supposed to get him this time, Why does Jaejoong always have it his way? He thinks, even if Jaejoong would always let him be. Jaejoong had always been letting him be.
Yunho spent days away from Jaejoong to see if the boy can do without him. Truth be told, he was insecure, the possibility that it would only do him worse and not affect the other one made him so. The thought that he'd done it before tells him that he can handle it, but can he really?
There weren't phone calls and all. Jaejoong didn't attend classes as far as Yunho can see from those they took together. And there weren't much people looking for him, too. Even at parties and the bars they used to frequent, Yunho went in hopes that Jaejoong would be there but he never is.
It was high time he thought about himself again. He thinks there isn't anything he can do about the out come anymore. Why did he always have to make the first move? Why does it seem that Jaejoong doesn't need anybody to be contented? Why doesn't he seem to care about anything?
It was stupid, they were stupid, the shit boggling his mind. It was some sort of torture leading him in far deeper, the more he resisted.
He gets a phone call from the other boy a couple of weeks later and he contemplates on answering it. One, he was weak, anything Jaejoong would tell him would affect him. Two, he wanted to know how far he can leave him alone. And three, just for the heck of it, he wanted to see if Jaejoong can be persistent, too.
The phone stops ringing and goes to voice mail but Jaejoong doesn't leave a message.
It goes on for days. It stopped when Yunho absent-mindedly answered his phone in the middle of his sleep. "Hello?" He slurs, he feels like he's half dreaming.
"You finally answered!" Jaejoong shouts into the phone and Yunho fumbles with the device in his hand, "DON'T YOU DARE HANG UP!"
"What? I'm sleeping, don't you at least have the decency to not bother me? At this hour, most of all!"
"Well, I figured I should call you when you least expect it so you'd answer, because you haven't been for the past… Oh I don't know, four days?!"
"You sound like a girl. But- Why are you even mad? You're the one who woke me up. What are you up to, anyway?" Yunho sleepily replies, trying hard to put some tone on his questions.
"Because just when I thought you'd figured things out, you walk away!" His energy was so high and driven.
"I? I walked away?" He was partly awake now, "Now, I don't have the right to try and move on?"
"What is wrong with you? Why can't you pick it up?"
"Pick what up? You're the one who never says anything and you're blaming me? You call me in the middle of the night to talk and then you blame everything on me? And you ask me what's wrong?" Yunho rubs his temples, maybe this was one of Jaejoong's random outbursts but it really came in the wrong time right now, "Look, I'm tired. I'm beginning to accept some things and maybe, if we took some time apart, I'd go back to being best friends with you. Just understand my situation a little, please?"
"No!" Yunho can hear Jaejoong moving on the end of the line, "I'm freaking coming over, goddamn. You don't get it, do you?"
"I'm sleeping, come over in the morning."
"No! I won't be able to sleep! Wait for me!" And he hangs up with that as he rushes to Yunho's place.
Yunho forgot Jaejoong had keys to his apartment. And much to his dismay, his expected time of the other's arrival was minutes later than he actually arrived.
"Now what?" he asks apathetically.
"I can't let you leave, okay?"
"Not okay. Are you planning on enslaving me?" Frankly, Yunho was enjoying that Jaejoong was trying.
"What the fuck is going on in your head?! Of course, not!"
"Here's the deal, you stop dropping incoherent shit because I may be awake but I'm really half asleep right now and its your fault."
Jaejoong nods and breathes in and out heavily, thinking, Well, he asked for it.
"I turned Siwon down a few days before you left and never called me again." Yunho's head snaps to his direction, "Can't you figure out why? I mean, dissect the little things I've told you. Are you that passive to not get the hints?"
"Too bad, I am." Well, it was true, Jaejoong agreed now that he thought about it.
"I realized that if I lose you, I won't be happy even with Siwon around." His hands felt clammy and his heart was racing, he tried hard to keep his voice from shaking. "Sure, it wasn't our whole lives that we've known each other but is it about that?"
"Every time I was with Siwon, I would wonder who you were possibly with. I worry if you would have eaten already, or if you're actually doing your school work or if you're still drinking like there's no tomorrow."
"When you told me, that night when you were dead drunk, I was confused because I knew you were most honest when you're drunk. I didn't even give you any proper reply and just left," he lets out a short chuckle and smirks, "That's becoming a habit of us, isn't it? Why can't we face these issues head on..."
"I wanted to be brave enough to face you because you've done your part. It was weird that we needed someone else to come into our life, and hurt him in the process, to find out how we feel about each other, but what can we do and what did we know back then?"
"It's a huge step to take, from being friends to becoming more than just that, because when feelings get involved things get messy and I don't want to lose you completely. I don't think I can live like that,"
"Maybe, its sad that I'm thinking negatively about us but-"
Yunho stood up and headed for the door, staging a walk out, "Yah! Where the fuck do you think you're going!?" Jaejoong's jaw practically hit the floor before yelling at him.
"I'm just kidding," Yunho smiles mockingly at him before going back to where Jaejoong sat. A lighter mood surrounding them. He pulls Jaejoong up and takes him into an embrace, warm and comforting, although both of them are uncertain if it was one platonic or not. He knows, no matter how selfish Yunho can be, he's willing to invest time and effort on him, and everything else.
It lasted minutes. And while it happened he wanted to know what the taller man is thinking, he couldn't even see his face but he can feel his heart beat faster than normal. Jaejoong heaves a sigh, calming down and molding firming into Yunho's body, digging his face into his chest when tears started running down from his eyes and soaking the other's shirt.
"Jae, why are you crying?" he asks while laughing lightly, soothing the other's back.
"I thought you were really gonna walk out on me." Jaejoong hit his chest and arms, real hard punches came his way but he still can't put his laughter to a stop, let alone, stop smiling.
"I admit, though, I just wanted to see how you'd react." This time Jaejoong kicks his shin.
"Hmm," the beautiful boy hummed, "Well, it wasn't that bad."
"What do you mean, 'it wasn't that bad'?" Yunho imitates the way Jaejoong said it.
"What?! I just thought it'd be really awkward to kiss your best friend," Jaejoong shrugs. Albeit, thankful that the place was pretty dim, he can feel his cheeks burning.
"Awkward? You fucking shoved your tongue in my mouth!" He moderately replies. Yunho was thankful they were alone in the theatre, or he hopes they really were alone. What if the acting pool of the university theatre organization was actually behind the curtains? He kept thinking.
"I don't see you complaining about that, really." Jaejoong smiled, and Yunho did too. It was stupid how they were trying to hide how giddy they actually are, like high school girls who'd practically melt at the sight of the person they like.
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no subject
Date: 2011-08-12 08:39 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-08-14 05:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-08-12 09:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-08-14 01:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-08-12 10:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-08-12 10:24 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-08-14 02:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-08-12 11:08 am (UTC)this is hurts...
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Date: 2011-08-12 02:59 pm (UTC)I even cried at some of the parts.
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Date: 2011-08-14 01:43 pm (UTC)PS: I love your icon! :)
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Date: 2011-08-12 03:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-08-12 03:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-08-12 04:13 pm (UTC)I haven't read YunJae in weeks.
;_;
and this ----
what is precious.
I want a love like this. ;_;
thank you for writing<3
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Date: 2011-08-14 02:39 pm (UTC)Thank you for reading!:)
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Date: 2011-08-12 04:33 pm (UTC)n i love fluff~ ^0^
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Date: 2011-08-12 04:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-08-14 03:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-08-12 05:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-08-14 03:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-08-13 04:38 am (UTC)so glad they ended up together in the end <3
loved this! and i think this worked better because it's in yunho's pov (:
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Date: 2011-08-14 03:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-08-13 03:10 pm (UTC)lovely jealous!yun is lovellyyyyy~ ♥
and I love the scene when jae finally confessed :))
awesome fluffeehhh fic :3
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Date: 2011-08-14 03:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-08-14 07:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-08-14 10:22 am (UTC)y u so osm~~~ /o/
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Date: 2011-08-15 07:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-08-16 01:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-11-07 06:24 am (UTC)this is so beautiful. gaaah.. the pacing it wasn't too slow. it was just right.. aigoo.. ur so awesome...
the rollercoaster of emotions... woman! pinaiyak mo ako... *cries a bucket of tears*
I LOVE THIS <3 so EFFING MUCH!!! <3<3
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Date: 2011-11-07 01:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-04-15 02:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-05-11 06:48 pm (UTC)ps: sorry for this late reply too :(