allnostalgia

When you’ve forgotten all your fears and then suddenly they get back at you when you’re the happiest, you realize that life really isn’t fair, at least most of the time.

Waking up alone for the first time in months was a slap to his face. Last night wasn’t just a bad dream that had him crying and greeting a supposedly nice morning with bloodshot eyes.

Yunho walked out, leaving vague reasons for him to accept and push him to move on. But was that even fair? Let alone, considerate, for a lover? It was difficult for him to accept the way he’d reasoned things out by himself when all he could figure was that maybe he was the only one who fell in love.

The best part of believe is the lie. Where’d he hear that before? He doesn’t care so long as he knew it was probably the most relevant lyric to him as he remembers every promise Yunho had uttered to his ears, so soft and seemingly a hundred percent sincere.

It hurt, of course it did, but he couldn’t bring himself to sow anger for the other man. It was beyond him to hold grudges, all the more for someone who had made him happy even for a while.

Jaejoong felt bad, remorse gliding slowly in his conscience. He thinks, maybe he just wasn’t good enough.

The remnants of a love left in the past, haunting and taunting, never wavering as the hurt never vanishes but deepens by the day. Walking into the same apartment, doing the same things since even before he moved in. It was a tainted memory he honestly didn’t want to forget. It was a part of him, a part of what makes him but it doesn’t change the fact that he was lonely.

He had to move on somehow, Jaejoong kept that thought in the back of his mind. He’d rather savor the feelings he had at present first rather than force himself on emotions he had to act and deliver.

He wasn’t ready to find contentment yet. That’s how he put it. It meant the same as waiting for Yunho to change his mind and come back if the winds take him, though.

Was it possible to be too in love? Or is love just one thing all the same and the difference is in the way we express ourselves? Say, you’ve got the guts to do anything for one person but never anything for another. Like how Jaejoong found it only possible to cater to Yunho and not for anybody else.

It might be selfish for the rest of the world but it was a matter of sincerity to a man in love. When the drive comes from being “Us” and not just deriving a “You & I” into a picture.

Jaejoong realized he was in for new dreams now. That feeling of regret when those things you used to wish to achieve won’t be the same anymore, when the difference had been made and that there’s almost nothing to keep you holding on to those now foolish goals.

It was time to really grow up, be his own man and take up what’s laid out in front of him and make the most out of it to be the most he can make himself to be as well.

Things couples do are simple. It only proves its not what you do that counts but who you’ve done them with. Little things that turn into priceless bits that would ever be imprinted in his complex brain. Supposedly irrelevant fragments of the time they were together that make it harder to not be affected.

He was granted a chance, he saw how much Yunho had tried to love him the way he deserved but emotions can’t be forced and learned like that. Jaejoong knew it too. He doesn’t say it but he’s ready to sacrifice his happiness for Yunho’s happiness’ sake.

He figured it would be easier to move forward if he convinced himself it was enough that Yunho never meant for him to hurt the way he does, no matter how inevitable it was at the time. That he was worth Yunho’s time, efforts and a spot in his heart although not the deepest recesses of it.

They say acceptance is the first step to moving on. Maybe it is. Maybe you should also figure out what you want to do next after accepting what’s done. Maybe when your heart is sober enough to sort things out that’s when you really move on.

He let go. Along with other things that reminded him of those few months of being together. He wasn’t waiting but he knew that the man would always hold a good old place in his heart. He thought of the now, he prevented the thought of meeting him again.

It was the now that mattered. What tomorrow had in store was for tomorrow to be discovered. He kept it in mind that expectations would only bring disappointments.

“Its been too long.” It was that same voice that broke his heart with honestly some years back, the same smile on a more mature face. The difference was that he could feel something lighter than emotion-driven conversations that make this meeting far less of a nightmare than he thought it could’ve been.

“You hate me now, don’t you?” That joking tone couldn’t totally cover up that tinge of fear that maybe it was true, he could hear it. Jaejoong shakes his head, smiling gently as he realizes he’s ready to be friends and start anew with the same man he used to be in love with.

Because sometimes people are meant to fall in love just to learn, it’s a risk to it all. At the same time find a place in someone’s life that would surprisingly make one more contented.

A/N: I'm supposed to be working on the sequel of a JaeMin fic but- I won't even try to explain myself anymore. I'm just plain sorry my ass couldn't bring me to write something decent.