I love you everyday.

[allnostalgia]

His hand had a death grip on my wrist as he pulled me out of his car. Parked near the ponds of koi somewhere far from home. He stopped on his track and I almost bumped against his muscular back. “You know, you could loosen the hold. At this rate, I won’t even try walking away.” Where were we anyway?

Scrutinizing orbs looked at me from my feet up. “What the fuck are you looking at?” That came out more displeased than I intended but at least his eyes were back on my face, which turns out to be even more uncomfortable. He let go of my now red and swelling forearm though.

A step forward, towards me. He was invading my personal space, for chrissake! What’s wrong with him today?

“Were you kidding around when you said that?” He asked in that usual demanding tone of his, face leaning closer I can’t construct a decent response.

“Eh- huh? What did-”

“Do you mean it?” What was his face even getting closer for? Can’t this earth just swallow me now, please?

“W-what are you talking about?” Let’s pretend I didn’t know, Changmin had to say it. I can’t be pulled into his upper hand completely, can’t I?

“I like you. Well, that’s an understatement. Love? I’m not sure. Help me out here, are we in love with each other?” FUCK YOU FOR ALL THE REASON I KNOW! HERE YOU GO AGAIN, MIND FUCKING THE SANITY THAT’S LEFT OF ME!

“You said it yourself, you’re not sure! That means we’re not, right? Min, I thought you were a genius?” And I wonder where all that calm came from.

He didn’t respond, which scared me almost shitless. He touched my face, his hand felt dry and rough but I didn’t mind. I was trying not to cringe at the contact, afraid to ruin whatever was happening.

The moment I felt his breath on my lips-


Here’s the thing, fuck dammit, how everything started.

Foolish heart!

Stupid tweets. My stupid tweets.

‘I love you everyday.’ In reality, it wasn’t directed at anyone. I just missed saying it. I missed being in a goddam relationship, either with another girl or with a boy. I just really missed saying it, all the more saying it and meaning it. Really, it wasn’t directed at anyone until Mr. Shim replied to it, ‘Shim Changmin ;D’ Then I got playful, thinking he was kidding too, ‘How did you find out?! :))’ Then he goes all, ‘Haha! Weeeeeeeeeeee I knew it! :D’ and then I’m all, o_o in real life but I replied, ‘you really piss me off.’

Tell me, honestly. Would you expect a man with a girlfriend to show up at your doorstep in the middle of the night and drag you out of town just to ask you if you meant what you said on twitter? Threatening to kiss you any moment because he’s not sure if he’s in love with you or not?

Didn’t think so.


I turned away before his lips touched mine because I wouldn’t bear that thought. His girlfriend was like this perfect other half of him. “I see it was all a mean joke.”

“I wouldn’t mind if we just forgot you made advances. Then I wouldn’t feel guilty.” I can be selfish, right? It was all that’s left for me to do. I don’t want to ruin relationships, all the more beautiful relationships.

“This about her?” His fingers brushed my chin, forcing me to look at him again. “I can let her go, but not at once.”

“You don’t have to for fuck’s sake. Don’t be stupid if you want to save this friendship.” I walked to his car’s passenger side, “Just take me back home, please.”

Awkward silent car ride.

Foolish hearts!


I woke up in my room realizing I’d slept while he drove.

I went downstairs for breakfast, expecting a deafening reprimanding from my folks, “Honey, come sit down. You want this or cereal?” Mum said, pointing to eggs she cooked and then wheat cereals above the fridge.

What?

“Hey, are you alright?”

It dawned on me like fireworks on the fourth of July. He brought me up to my room and changed my clothes last night.

Dashing up the stairs, I felt confused more than I ever was. Entering my room and grabbing my phone as I lay back in bed, catching my breath. I wanted to cry. But there were a few unread messages, I hoped he was kind enough to enlighten me.

From: Min
Sent: 04:26AM
You’re right. Okay. I’ll just do what you said. We’ll forget I did something stupid. I’m sorry.

I didn’t know exactly what I was disappointed about. Either that he said what he did was stupid or that he didn’t even tell me he was home safe, or even tell me how I ended up in my room dressed in pyjamas!

I was about to reply when my phone started vibrating. My heart’s still pounding. I’ve been in panic since I realized he might have changed my clothes. Why was I even panicking? He never panicked when I saw him half-naked!

“Hello?” My voice shouldn’t crack, for fuck’s sake.

“Hey, I’m outside your house. Did they find out you went out last night?”

“Oh wait, I’ll open the door. No, they didn’t, wait up.” I put the phone down.

“Mum! Min’s here! I hope you have enough breakfast. Hehe” I told her as I passed by the kitchen door towards the porch to open the door.


I pull the dark wooden door open, suddenly I felt calm. He didn’t need to be invited to get in my house, my parents love him. We’ve been buddies since I entered college and I’m on my third year. You can figure it out, right?

“Changmin! Its been a while since you ate breakfast here! Come here, sit.” Pops, he liked Changmin’s genius. He once told me I should marry the dude and I choked on milk.

Breakfast was nice. Maybe because my sisters weren’t there to insistently tease Changmin and I the whole meal. But apart from that, I felt like he really did what I told him to do. I also felt like I was too harsh. But, that’s it, right? Nothing would hurt if you didn’t do the right thing, that right thing called sacrifice? And then suddenly this song by The Beatles is playing in my head, You Gotta Hide Your Love Away~

“Ma, can I ask you a question?” He started talking, I don’t know why but that’s how he is with my parents all the time. Saying that line instead of just asking away. My mum looked at him with anticipating eyes, I could tell she really missed Changmin. He hasn’t been around since he got a girlfriend and they understood that. “Would you allow me to court your daughter?”

I almost choked on milk for the second time in my entire life. “What?!” I blurted out before standing up from my seat.

“What’s happening between you two?” Mum asked.

“Nothing. We’ve already talked about this.” I replied to her, “And you. Why can’t you keep your word?” I walked out.


Mum followed me after a few minutes, with an apple in hand. “So, you went out last night without telling me.” It wasn’t a question but I owe her an explanation, I think. “I remember, when you were young, I’ve always told you to think about your actions.”

“I’m sorry, I just-“ I didn’t have anything good to say, I’d rather shut up.

“You know better than that. As much as I’m disappointed, you’d joke about young love, he told me he’s sorry too.”

“I told him to just forget about it. Mum, you know he has a girlfriend. If he can leave her for me, then I’m pretty sure he can leave me for someone else too.”

“He’s got nerve to do that if he’d asked permission from your Pops and I, right?”

“Mum, aren’t you supposed to be on my side?”

“I’m not on anybody’s side.” I took a bite off the apple she gave me. And then I died. Well, no, not really. “But you gotta tell me honestly, do you love him?”

“Mum!” I looked at her, I knew she was teasing me but I can’t really hide anything from her, so I whispered, “Yeah, I do.”

“Give him a chance. It takes time. Not everything has to happen now.”

“You totally approve of him, huh?”

“Even Pops likes the idea.”


- - -


I was packing up after a whole day in the office. I still haven’t finished the layout proposals due in two days and I was hungry. I only ate a bagel for breakfast and lived with cigarettes and coffee after that. I might get scolded if he finds out I didn’t eat.

My phone suddenly rang, “Yeah?”

“Its late. Are you still in the office? I’m on my way there.”

“Ah- huh?” I looked at the clock, “Oh shit. I-”

“Stay there! I’ll be there in five.”

Oh damn. I feel like I forgot something. I don’t even know what day it is anymore. I feel high on marijuana even though I’m not but I wish I was.


I fell asleep while waiting. Narcolepsy and its perks. I can sleep in the office lobby without qualms. I was woken by a blow of wind into my ear. “Aish!” I saw him laughing quietly, that annoying silent laugh of his. Sometimes its adorable, sometimes it just gets on my nerves.

“Let’s get those things in the trunk, come on.” He pulled me up from the couch, getting all the draft boards. “I got us reservations at that restaurant you wanted to try.”

“There’s a restaurant I wanted to try?”

“You haven’t been eating, have you?” I must’ve reeked of nicotine and caffeine.

As soon as our hands were cleared, he held mine in his and crossed the street. “We’ll walk. I don’t want to pay for parking.” Of course, he doesn’t.

“I don’t think I’m dressed for a restaurant that holds reservations.” I was clad in a casual dress and ugg boots. That’s when I noticed, he wore a dark blue suit over a midtone grey dress shirt with a thin pinstriped tie.

“Does it matter?”

“Well, how about self-respect? Does it matter?”

“I swear its fine.”

“If it is, why are you dressed like that?”

“I had a meeting today.”

“Oh yeah? With?”

“Remember the bald guy who wouldn’t let us leave the last company party we attended?”

“I think, I do.”

“I had a meeting with him this afternoon. Do you remember what he is to the company?”

“He was one of the execs, right?”

“Yeah, specifically, head of the board of directors.”

“What did you talk about?”

“We were talking about promotions.”

I stopped walking. “No way?”

“Yes way.”

“OH MY GOD!”

“Am I not getting anything else aside from that shock?”

It was one of those moments when your boyfriend turns you into a total girl and swoops you into his arms. “Congratulations, Min! Oh my god!” I kissed him on the lips, sweet and tender, my arms around his neck.

“Yeah. Now, let’s go eat.” He put me down and put an arm around my waist.


We sat in a secluded window table. Nice view of the city.

“I’m jealous.” I told him, he smirked, “I wonder when I’ll get promoted.”

“Aren’t you getting it when this project gets a go?”

“Yeah, that is true, but I don’t have a good feeling about it. I got more stress than fun out of this one.”

“I’ll give you a promotion, instead.”

“Yeah, right.” I took a salmon sashimi into my mouth.

“Why don’t you be my wife?”

“Aish! I’m serious, Min.” I eyed him and stopped chewing, letting out a chuckle.

“You think I’m not serious?” He felt his pocket and pulled out a silver band, “Does this make it serious?”

“Hey! Woah.” I put my chopsticks down and rubbed my cheeks with my palms.

“Okay, fine, you don’t like it. I’ll just sell it to-“

“Wait! No! Min…” I could tell, my eyes were watering. I can’t see him clearly. I rubbed my eyes.

“Don’t cry on my proposal!” He almost laughed.

“Can I see?”

“No. Why? You don’t want to be my wife, don’t you?”

“I never said that.”

“So, are you gonna take my proposal?”

“My parents…”

“You know, that’s not even an excuse they’ve been waiting for this since-“

“Don’t say it.” He had to rub it in my face that my parents love him. He’s like the perfect son, blah, blah, blah… Oh my god.

“So?”

“Of course, I’ll say yes!” He stood up and loomed over me.

“There we go… Give me your hand.” I held my hand out and the ring actually fit perfectly. To top it all off in its cheesy glory, he had to kiss my hand.

“But the promotion’s real, right? Its not just so you could get me to say those things, I know you know how my head functions.” I asked as he sat back down.

“No, its not. You’re right.” That serious face.

“WHAT?!” I fall for it every single time.

“No, no. I really got promoted.” His smile was that kind when he was messing with me. Dammit!

“Fuck, man. Can’t you just tell me what really is up!”

“Why are you so pissed off?”

“You’re playing around!”

“When were we ever serious around each other?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Don’t get me started on how we ended up together. Unless you want to.”

I continued eating. Staring at the Cartier ring he gave me. I don’t believe this, he gave me a fuckin’ Cartier when he doesn’t even want to pay for parking. I guess he really did get promoted.


- - -


“If you were given the chance to choose who’d fall in love with you, who’d it be?” Changmin had problems, it was unlikely of him to ask such things.

“I don’t know. James Franco?”

“Really? But he’s like my intellectual twin.”

“Yeah, of course he is.” I pulled him to lean on my back, “What’s up? What’s all this love talk about?”

“Nothing. I was just wondering.”

“That reminds me… How have you been with that girl you like?”

“Same old. She’s quite oblivious most of the time.”

“You know what they say, man. You have to tell her and show her. Girls can be like that. They act like they don’t give a shit when actually they know everything you’re up to.”

“That so?”

I was running quite late for my next class, but I was thinking if I’d tell him or not. I was scared. So scared I’d lose him as a friend and never have him any other way. I kept it in for years.

The day I found out he’d finally gone out with, what’s her name? Yeah, you see how bitter I used to be? I wasn’t as supportive of him anymore. I was being a bad friend deep inside but I never showed him that. I might as well try to be happy for him, since he seemed too happy to feel I wasn’t. I got a little angry, too. But I ate my own words, I thought, I gotta tell him and show him too, right? But I was taken over by fear and insecurities.

Their relationship went on for at least two stable years. After that, they were on the rocks. Who knows why, I know I wasn’t interested. I just updated myself of him when he was available. He’d go over my house, have dinner with my family. Hell, he even taught my little sister the piano. What a talented wanker, he was. Wait, no, I didn’t mean it like that.


I immersed myself in my laptop most of the time. The internet was my only friend, and James Franco was my virtual boyfriend. Looking for designs, inspirations and new innovations to help me out in college. I was a typical angsty teenager who would rather blog about her irrelevant problems than actually solve them.

“I love you everyday.” I tweeted one afternoon, and it all ended there. Or began, really.

A/N: Its been two fuckin' months. What was that hiatus even about? Oh yeah, finals. Finals that wrecked my life into a canned future of advertising jargons. Oh well...