Love is Over
Wed, Nov. 24th, 2010 10:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
allnostalgiaYUNHO
Stupid must be my middle name.
I had the love of my life with me again that day for a movie- Uh, I’m not really sure if it was a date.
I loved the feeling of waking up to that memory. No matter how awkward it all felt towards the ending of the movie, “500 Days of Summer”
“I realized what I wasn’t sure of with you.” Seeing how Joseph Gordon Levitt’s character reacted to that confession gave me an idea how Jaejoong must have felt that day.
He’s the kindest, the nicest boyfriend I came to fall in love with so quickly. But I was traumatized when it came to that. Love, it was happy but I always ended up getting hurt and used and betrayed. He was too nice, it felt too good to be true for me, and it scared me to no end.
I realized I can’t invest that much trust in him, being together for four months. I knew it was wrong of me to break up with him, but I had to. I was too scared to trust anyone. I had instilled it in me that fairytales are just fairytales. And reality, well, it doesn’t do me good to dwell in dreams when its reality I have to face every single day.
I broke up with Jaejoong and he said he’d wait until I’m ready to come back to him.
I knew then that he was worth the risk.
I proved to myself then, just how stupid I could get when I’m scared.
*****
I had to take Intensive English classes for greater chances of internships.
I sat in class quietly, not talking when not spoken to. I doodled on my notebook to distract myself from being too swallowed in the lessons.
“May I take this seat?” my head snapped to look at the man who suddenly spoke to me, the familiar Gwangju accent making me feel at home. I nodded and he introduced himself as he settled down beside me, “Donghae,” I shook his hand, “Yunho.” And went back to doodling absent-mindedly.
“Who’s Jaejoong?” He was obviously bored as well, talking to me in the middle of class.
“Good friend.” His eyebrow raised in disbelief, “What?”
“He must be a really good friend for you too doodle his name on every page of your notebook.”
I ignored him for the rest of the period, thinking. I do not have to explain myself to other people. I didn’t need friends in this university that threatens to kill me with all the papers I needed to write. Now, I had to write in English as well.
*****
Months have passed and I have been trying to call Jaejoong. Trying. Every time I’d type his number, I get chills and end up putting my phone back in my pocket.
One day at noon, my phone rings out of the blue and his number flashes on the screen.
“Hello?” I answered, my voice almost trembled.
“Yunho, it’s me.” Soft and melodious as always, I missed his voice.
“Yeah. You haven’t called in so long, I missed you.” I really did miss him, I was just scared to be the one to call him.
“I have something to tell you…”
“What’s wrong?” That made my heart beat faster.
“I know I haven’t made you feel it in months and being busy was always my excuse why we couldn’t see each other but…” Please, don’t say it, I thought to myself. “I’m still in love with you.”
I couldn’t find an answer, I can’t pull myself together too quickly.
“It’s sudden, I get it. I just wanted to remind you that I’m still where we left off.”
“Jaejoong.” He was too faithful and I was beginning to hurt him again.
“All I’m asking is for one last chance, Yunho. Say yes, I’ll prove to you nothing’s changed. Say no, and I’ll go.”
“I do love you too, Jae. But it’s- You know, I don’t trust myself. The last time I did I-“ I couldn’t lie to him anymore, I was still in love with him too, “Alright, let’s give this a try again.”
He hung up and then I fall onto the couch face flat. I wish I could make my mind up when it came to him.
*****
It felt like an extension of those four months that we were together. We met often. Not just weekends, but sometimes midweek too. We felt like a couple although nothing was official yet.
Sometimes, not having friends from university made for less worries on social life. It gave me more time for him. Maybe, I could prove to him too that I really am still in love with him.
*****
This was precisely the reason why I couldn’t trust myself with happiness. I get too sensitive. My head was playing tricks on me and I was being paranoid. His finals lasted longer than mine so I had to wait for his vacation before we could meet again.
I was devastated.
I was beginning to think I had an emotional disorder.
Distractions offered themselves up to me. And one of them caught my attention.
“What do you say?” Donghae kept talking to me all week. It was weird. Sure, he’s cool. He’s smart, he’s a fucking scholar. He was fun. I wanted to have fun and distract myself so I said yes.
I gave Donghae a chance.
*****
He sent me a text saying he’s free to go out any day now.
I felt myself crumble. Thinking of what I’d do so I could see him again. With Donghae in the picture, I started to doubt what I felt for him.
It was yet another mistake.
I didn’t have a chance to see him.
*****
I couldn’t sleep to say the least. I lost.
I admitted to myself that I lost.
I fucking lost.
And I had no one else to blame.
*****
I never heard from him since he discovered I’ve been going out with Donghae.
I convinced myself to be happy, but it was hard.
Love was over. For me.
*****
I walked alone to buy myself take out for dinner. Stress still lined my eyes and I was still drenched in guilt for what I did to Jaejoong to the point I broke it off with Donghae, as well.
I thought it was unfair for him if I stayed when I was still obviously in love with Jaejoong.
Slowly, I turned a corner. In a district of decent dinning and multinational cuisine. To me, it was a short cut to McDonald’s.
His voice rang in my head, it seemed so real. I ignored it at first. And then I saw him smoking just outside an Italian restaurant. I wasn’t hearing voices after all.
We talked. He was surprisingly casual, it hurt. He had moved on.
Like I always did, I asked him if he could go out with me.
And then someone exits the restaurant and slings an arm over his shoulder. I heard my heart tear itself apart, my brain stopped and the wind blow colder on my face.
“Yunho, this is Changmin.” I disregarded the rest of his introduction because it was too much for me.
“Oh, hi! Its nice to meet you.” He smiled genuinely and I shook his hand. Soon after some small talk, I bid goodbye and left.
*****
I sat on the couch, munching on fries and a double cheese burger. Staring blankly at the telly with some German channel on that I didn’t understand. What was I thinking? No, was I even thinking?
Of course, he’d find someone else. I never told him the truth even if he deserved it. I was too afraid to give in, I never thought of how things would end up in the long run.
I was wrong. He was the only right decision in my life but I let him slip away because I was scared. That, by far, was my biggest mistake.
Fuck this.
*****
I have no hopes in finding my own Autumn.
I had the love of my life with me again that day for a movie- Uh, I’m not really sure if it was a date.
I loved the feeling of waking up to that memory. No matter how awkward it all felt towards the ending of the movie, “500 Days of Summer”
“I realized what I wasn’t sure of with you.” Seeing how Joseph Gordon Levitt’s character reacted to that confession gave me an idea how Jaejoong must have felt that day.
He’s the kindest, the nicest boyfriend I came to fall in love with so quickly. But I was traumatized when it came to that. Love, it was happy but I always ended up getting hurt and used and betrayed. He was too nice, it felt too good to be true for me, and it scared me to no end.
I realized I can’t invest that much trust in him, being together for four months. I knew it was wrong of me to break up with him, but I had to. I was too scared to trust anyone. I had instilled it in me that fairytales are just fairytales. And reality, well, it doesn’t do me good to dwell in dreams when its reality I have to face every single day.
I broke up with Jaejoong and he said he’d wait until I’m ready to come back to him.
I knew then that he was worth the risk.
I proved to myself then, just how stupid I could get when I’m scared.
*****
I had to take Intensive English classes for greater chances of internships.
I sat in class quietly, not talking when not spoken to. I doodled on my notebook to distract myself from being too swallowed in the lessons.
“May I take this seat?” my head snapped to look at the man who suddenly spoke to me, the familiar Gwangju accent making me feel at home. I nodded and he introduced himself as he settled down beside me, “Donghae,” I shook his hand, “Yunho.” And went back to doodling absent-mindedly.
“Who’s Jaejoong?” He was obviously bored as well, talking to me in the middle of class.
“Good friend.” His eyebrow raised in disbelief, “What?”
“He must be a really good friend for you too doodle his name on every page of your notebook.”
I ignored him for the rest of the period, thinking. I do not have to explain myself to other people. I didn’t need friends in this university that threatens to kill me with all the papers I needed to write. Now, I had to write in English as well.
*****
Months have passed and I have been trying to call Jaejoong. Trying. Every time I’d type his number, I get chills and end up putting my phone back in my pocket.
One day at noon, my phone rings out of the blue and his number flashes on the screen.
“Hello?” I answered, my voice almost trembled.
“Yunho, it’s me.” Soft and melodious as always, I missed his voice.
“Yeah. You haven’t called in so long, I missed you.” I really did miss him, I was just scared to be the one to call him.
“I have something to tell you…”
“What’s wrong?” That made my heart beat faster.
“I know I haven’t made you feel it in months and being busy was always my excuse why we couldn’t see each other but…” Please, don’t say it, I thought to myself. “I’m still in love with you.”
I couldn’t find an answer, I can’t pull myself together too quickly.
“It’s sudden, I get it. I just wanted to remind you that I’m still where we left off.”
“Jaejoong.” He was too faithful and I was beginning to hurt him again.
“All I’m asking is for one last chance, Yunho. Say yes, I’ll prove to you nothing’s changed. Say no, and I’ll go.”
“I do love you too, Jae. But it’s- You know, I don’t trust myself. The last time I did I-“ I couldn’t lie to him anymore, I was still in love with him too, “Alright, let’s give this a try again.”
He hung up and then I fall onto the couch face flat. I wish I could make my mind up when it came to him.
*****
It felt like an extension of those four months that we were together. We met often. Not just weekends, but sometimes midweek too. We felt like a couple although nothing was official yet.
Sometimes, not having friends from university made for less worries on social life. It gave me more time for him. Maybe, I could prove to him too that I really am still in love with him.
*****
This was precisely the reason why I couldn’t trust myself with happiness. I get too sensitive. My head was playing tricks on me and I was being paranoid. His finals lasted longer than mine so I had to wait for his vacation before we could meet again.
I was devastated.
I was beginning to think I had an emotional disorder.
Distractions offered themselves up to me. And one of them caught my attention.
“What do you say?” Donghae kept talking to me all week. It was weird. Sure, he’s cool. He’s smart, he’s a fucking scholar. He was fun. I wanted to have fun and distract myself so I said yes.
I gave Donghae a chance.
*****
He sent me a text saying he’s free to go out any day now.
I felt myself crumble. Thinking of what I’d do so I could see him again. With Donghae in the picture, I started to doubt what I felt for him.
It was yet another mistake.
I didn’t have a chance to see him.
*****
I couldn’t sleep to say the least. I lost.
I admitted to myself that I lost.
I fucking lost.
And I had no one else to blame.
*****
I never heard from him since he discovered I’ve been going out with Donghae.
I convinced myself to be happy, but it was hard.
Love was over. For me.
*****
I walked alone to buy myself take out for dinner. Stress still lined my eyes and I was still drenched in guilt for what I did to Jaejoong to the point I broke it off with Donghae, as well.
I thought it was unfair for him if I stayed when I was still obviously in love with Jaejoong.
Slowly, I turned a corner. In a district of decent dinning and multinational cuisine. To me, it was a short cut to McDonald’s.
His voice rang in my head, it seemed so real. I ignored it at first. And then I saw him smoking just outside an Italian restaurant. I wasn’t hearing voices after all.
We talked. He was surprisingly casual, it hurt. He had moved on.
Like I always did, I asked him if he could go out with me.
And then someone exits the restaurant and slings an arm over his shoulder. I heard my heart tear itself apart, my brain stopped and the wind blow colder on my face.
“Yunho, this is Changmin.” I disregarded the rest of his introduction because it was too much for me.
“Oh, hi! Its nice to meet you.” He smiled genuinely and I shook his hand. Soon after some small talk, I bid goodbye and left.
*****
I sat on the couch, munching on fries and a double cheese burger. Staring blankly at the telly with some German channel on that I didn’t understand. What was I thinking? No, was I even thinking?
Of course, he’d find someone else. I never told him the truth even if he deserved it. I was too afraid to give in, I never thought of how things would end up in the long run.
I was wrong. He was the only right decision in my life but I let him slip away because I was scared. That, by far, was my biggest mistake.
Fuck this.
*****
I have no hopes in finding my own Autumn.
A/N: I'll just leave this here until I get back from being swallowed by school. Take care, lovely humans~
