She Will Be Loved

[allnostalgia]

Beauty Queen of only 18
She had some trouble with her self
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else

Jaejoong was on the good side of androgyne, if not good then maybe the best side of it. It worked for him well. A free minded bisexual would have the time of his life living in that ethereal kind of beauty. Sadly, he was never contented. His happy-go-lucky aura was such a wonderful pretense that people wouldn't have second thoughts if he really was that happy.

He dreams of love. He dreams of days longer than nights that always kept him thinking endlessly. He dreams of a reality that would be better than his dreams seemed to be. But he never told anybody, let alone, he never would have given hints.

Somewhere along the way in his happy parade, a boy three years older than him stood apart from everybody else. He didn't buy the smiles, the laughter and the hyper active personality of Jaejoong. He knew, he doesn't know how, that secrets were lining those shining eyes and the resonating contagious laughter.

One thing he could not figure out, though, was why he chose to live like that.

He'd watched from the sidelines for months, in hopes that by the day, he'd grow a tad bit braver to finally call out to that pretty face and make him give up the whole charade.

They weren't strangers, they just don't see each other the way Yunho wanted them to.

He knew better than to force himself onto someone who isn't willing to let him in. At least, not yet.

I drove for miles and miles
and wound up at your door
I've had you so many times
But somehow I want more

 He'd had his fair share of encounters with Jaejoong. All those chances, he wonders after all is over, why he never took a step forward. Yunho was willing to sacrifice, but then, what was worth sacrificing for something that seemed to be leading nowhere?

Days go without them talking. It wasn't new, really. More of shy acknowledgments took over majority of whatever connection they honestly didn't have (yet, Yunho likes to think).

I don't mind spending everyday
out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with a broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay a while

It took a quick sting in the gut before Yunho finally got up his ass and took Jaejoong off guard. That boy had been playing around for too long to cover up on his loneliness, he doesn't even mind that he's not getting better anymore.

He offers up himself as a friend, at first. Jaejoong doesn't see anything wrong with that, except, he feels his insecurities rise around him. He begins to think that he'd be just like the others around him that are only there when the good times roll and when he smashes rock bottom, he'd be gone without warning.

Yunho tells him that he'd only ask for a little favor while he's at it, that he'd be honest to him all the time. No exceptions, but he'll be understanding enough if he didn't want to talk about certain things. He tells him he'd rather not hear anything than be fed with things other people would hear from him as well.

…and she will be loved.

If he thinks Yunho would tolerate something made up, then he'd got it all wrong because Yunho had seen past his strong exterior long before and the only reason he's there is to take the burden off his shoulders and be a real friend.

Tap on my window, knock on my door
I wanna make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore

Jaejoong admits that Yunho was starting to grow on him. He acknowledges the depth of what he's getting into and in turn gives him some sense of security that the older boy was filled with good intentions.

He began leaning onto him naturally. Revealing things he knew would remain between the two of them until death. He surprises himself at the realization that it felt rather effortless to trust Yunho.


The days had turned into weeks and Yunho discovers that without Jaejoong's smiles that could brighten up a black hole, his face woud be marked with soft contours of a deep-seated past filled with tragedy and things he knew would make people judge.

He felt useless, knowing he couldn't do anything to change how Jaejoong sees himself because of his past. Somewhere along the way, though, Jaejoong convinces him that they don't need to change anything that's already happened and that he'd rather look forward.


He then wonders if Jaejoong had been thinking that way all this time, maybe he'd found why he chose to live the way he has been.

It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want

The younger boy's head spins as he stands up, drunk past what he could tolerate. Yunho learns of his habits, not that he was disappointed, he just wasn't prepared enough whenever things got out of hand.

Jaejoong would burst into an emotional mess, sobbing lightly despite the blank dark eyes. He slurs names and apologies, and Yunho doesn't understand why he feels heavier whenever he couldn't make up for lost time.


He tells Jaejoong that he doesn't need alcohol, that he's here. That if he wants to get shit drunk, he should at least be responsible enough to take care of himself. He tells him every single time but he never listens.

He wants to take care of him, take him out of drunken stupors and just be the one he'd turn to when things take a sudden down turn.


Yunho has no idea that Jaejoong just wanted to keep him close without being clingy. He loves when Yunho makes him feel important, relishing in the feeling of being a priority. Maybe, some time soon, he'd have the right to ask for it, if only he had to guts to confess what his heart cries out to the other's.

I know where you hide
alone in your car
They're one of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and makes me catch her every time she falls

Jaejoong gets a chance to go away. Go away and be free from Yunho indefinitely. He wanted to sort his feelings because he can't seem to find where Yunho's place in his life was supposed to be and had lead to.

Yunho paces back and forth and thinks. To tell or not to tell. He braved the risk and before Jaejoong goes away for the first time, he's fazed with what he'd been scared of happening.

He wasn't scared anymore that Yunho would break his promises. It was more of uncertainty with himself. He was never ready for commitment and with that personality he's learned to become, he knows he's more capable of moving on than anybody else. And that if he leaves, the guilt of leaving Yunho would eat him up.


Yunho doesn't deserve to be taken for granted.


He thinks that going away was really good at that point. For both of them.

I don't mind spending everyday
out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with a broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay a while

Jaejoong came back a few months later. Refreshed, looking better and somehow one could feel that he's changed. He doesn't exude the same brightness and it was replaced by a rather aloof aura.

Yunho was on his porch steps the day he returned. It wasn't what he had in mind as a reunion but he'd to make do. He felt familiar eyes staring back at him in surprise. He was oblivious to the questioning glare in it, though.

There was a moment of awkwardness until Yunho molded into the embrace. The questions could wait.

Jaejoong watched Yunho just sitting beside him, looking anywhere but his direction, although aware of his gaze. It was a comfortable silence they shared, nobody spoke even if they had a lot going on in their minds. Thoughts, questions, rattling emotions, all waiting to roll out their tongues and made clear.


Yunho decides it had to end, that he had the right to know what had become of them because it wasn't fair that he was waiting but he didn't know if there was anything he was waiting for.

A confession, none too drastic nor apathetic. Just a few words thoughtfully phrased to express a long time secret to the one who had to hear it.

And after all those days that Jaejoong had convinced himself that Yunho would move on, he goes back to square one because he doesn't know if he was ready to take what Yunho had served up to him.


Yunho knew he'd always be coming back. He'd tried to move on but all were mere futile attempts that failed miserably when a passing memory snaps him back.

Please don't try so hard to say goodbye

He avoided being too close, he watched his words, in fact he'd gone back to having his guard up but he also noticed he was becoming unhappy, too. The thought had crossed his mind and when it did, his heart beat ecstatically. It was undeniable that maybe he was in love with Yunho, too. But how long was it gonna last? He doesn't want new promises that won't be kept, anyway.

Yunho could tell what he was thinking and most of the time his hunches were right. That's how deep they know each other already and he wasn't going to let all that slip away because of what they obviously have between them. Jaejoong's body language would always give away the thoughts he didn't want to say with words.


He wanted to convince himself that he wasn't in love with Yunho. Wanted.




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A/N: And this is why my thesis ain't moving tonight. :| Comments?