Faltering

[allnostalgia]

A little distraught. Figured he might've been a little more than lost in time. Heady sensations and all, he feels a lot less numb by the minute. Waking up on the couch was never a pleasant feeling because when he sits up at the discomfort on his back, a stinging headache follows.

His phone rings and he ignores it until he deems it a little too incessant already. He answers, his voice struggling to make it out of his throat. I could've picked you up to get you home. Where are you? I'm honestly very worried right now. The voice soothes his impending headache but the guilt rushes through him and the banging gets harder in his skull.

The passenger seat had always been comforting, so long as his fingers were intertwined in his while his boyfriend drove. Today was quiet, the tension wasn't killing him but he knew at some point they'd have to talk about it. Yunho was just waiting for him to start the conversation like always, because when Jaejoong was forced into a confrontation, he says things he never thought of saying and it ends up an even bigger fight than just a misunderstanding.

"I'll apologize when I figure how to make it up to you." He says softly, the guilt evident in his tone, plus the squeeze of his hand on the other's, "You don't deserve this, I know I have to get back on track. I've just been so out of a lot of things lately..."

"What are you trying to insinuate?"

"I feel like I'm stuck," he breathes and regrets releasing his breathe that reeked of alcohol, "I'm not moving forward anymore. Yes, I have you, I made my dreams happen, I'm fucking rich. I believe I have everything," he continues in a disappointed tone, "except something to look forward to. Or something to push me to work and achieve something new."

"You're not happy anymore."

"But I want to be, Yunho. Specially, with you, like we used to, right? I want something new in my life. I want to step up!" He leans back on the headrest, "And believe me, you're not doing anything wrong. In fact, you're perfect."

"Maybe, its that." Jaejoong shoots him a questioning glare, "You know, I'm just saying, maybe if we moved out of our comfort zones and stepped out of this perfection you say we're in..."

"How exactly are we going to do that? We- We have jobs, we have people that depend on us, we have responsibilities that nobody else can handle-"

"That's exactly why you're not moving. Don't you notice how everyone else around you does?"

"I can't give up on them, you know that."

"It's not giving up, it's learning to trust that they can actually do their jobs. You're too caught up on other people's lives. Helping them become what they want, along the way you forgot what else you want. Other things you might've dreamt before. That's why we will escape, runaway, move somewhere else, expand horizons-" He blabbers along, "Its not gonna be easy, of course not. But its what you want, trust me. Something new."

The idea was tempting, sure as hell, it was that risky kind of thing that Jaejoong had always had a knack of but he feels like he'd lost his touch for it.

This time, the thought of failing actually scared him.





One Monday dawn, he wakes up from a dreamless sleep. He felt Yunho's arm over his torso, holding him so close against the man's warm skin. It was one of the loveliest feelings, he thinks. He snuggled closer and turned, slowly letting his hands roam on the other's sculpted sleeping form. His skin exuded a very masculine natural scent, drawing him to touch it again and again, ghosting along the contours as his lips joined the parade and kissed the man's neck.

He found solace in their position, the safest he'd ever felt together with the intimacy he had always clamored for. His doubts melting away from Yunho's warmth momentarily. Making him wish that that security would linger on him as he wakes up and faces the challenge he'd asked for.

A few hours later, he stirs. Yunho's form sliding away as his hands search for his. "Wake up, Jae. We have a deal to make." He stands up and grabs a bath robe to cover himself with before kissing his sleepy lover on the forehead.

He steps out and makes coffee for the both of them.


"You want to live somewhere else so we're canceling the deal?" Jaejoong nodded, "Where exactly do you want to go and what do you plan to do there?"

"Amsterdam. Smoke weed. Have sex. Get into art. Have hotter sex." Ironic how monotonous his tone was while his words we're all to colorful.

"Seriously-"

"Do I look like I'm kidding?" He asked, face stern as his voice. He was desperate for a change of scenery.

"Okay," Yunho responds a little hesitantly before sipping on the rest of his coffee, "Get tickets as soon as you want. For now, I need to assign people to take over. Call me when you get details." And then Yunho leaves for work like he always does in the morning. Except, today, he's not sure what home would be like when he returns.

Jaejoong drinks a whole lot of beer after lunch. Then dials Yunho's number in the afternoon. He picks up and the almost-drunken boy slurs, "Hnno mmm ngg go hmm hoh mm…" And a long sigh follows, Yunho drops everything he's doing and sets off to drive home. He doesn't know that on the other end of the line, Jaejoong's face was slick with tears.

He hurries to the patio when he arrives home. Knowing the smaller man, he'd always spend his time just sitting there with either a book or his laptop when he didn't go out. Today, he found out that Jaejoong spends the afternoon there with alcohol too. It bothers him, of course.

"Jae..."

"Hnng… Yun- I don't know. I feel lazy. I'm always upset. I-" He stammers every word in between sobs and clings onto Yunho tighter around his neck.

"Do you- Do you want to stop for a while?"

"I can't. I spent my life building everything I have, I can't just throw it all away!"

"But, if you could just take a break, please?"

"If I could, I would. I'm scared, Yun."

"Scared of?"

"That all of this would just disappear on me one day."

"Jae, what? I- I won't let that happen."

"I wish I didn't have to put up with everything anymore."

"Are you tired?"

"I just want more time with you. No, I don't want more time with you. I want to be with you all the time regardless of anything."

Yunho's heart swells on the onslaught of Jaejoong's blunt words. Ever since success came into their lives, the only time they'd been together we're mornings, dinners, a few day-offs, birthdays and anniversaries. For a long term relationship, it was disappointing. And it would feel heavy to realize that you've almost disoriented every aspect of your love for money.

"I'm sorry, Yunho. I love you. And I can't take that we're both denying we're falling apart." He stands up to face the love of his life square in the eyes but his drowsy condition makes him plummet into the man's arms.

Yunho soothes his back and kisses anywhere his lips could reach, whispering his own set of apologies and assurances that they'll be with each other again soon. In every sense of the word.





This time Yunho takes the initiative. He takes Jaejoong out on their first real date in more than a year. It wasn't anything grand but it was special. They went to the local restaurant where they had their first dinner date and ordered the same cuisine. They rented psychological suspense thriller flicks and bought lots of butter popcorn and snuggled up at home. They took polaroid photos until they ran out of film.

"I wish we had more days like this." He looks up at Yunho with expectant eyes as the other strokes his soft locks. Laying down on the shag rug in the entertainment room of their abode, he feels like things could be this simple and he'd be happier more than just content.

"We could have more days like this. But we could do different things, too. You'll get tired if this becomes a routine." Yunho leans down as Jaejoong meets him halfway for a kiss. "How've you been?"

"I'm-" He thinks for a moment, phrasing his thoughts carefully, "I'm getting better." He smiles but Yunho notices it still doesn't reach his eyes. He touches his lover's face and stares at him. He's thankful that he's there, that there's no more tension, that slowly, things are going back to how they were in the beginning. Most of all, he's thankful that Yunho never even thinks of leaving him and yet he doesn't say it.

"You know what I think we should do?" Yunho pulls him up to sit, those doe eyes staring into his curiously, "That Amsterdam plan you told me about a couple of weeks ago."

"You really think its a good idea?"

"I looked it up. There's a lot of interesting places we could visit. Now, I'm just thinking that when we get there, you'll never want to go home."

"Is it really that different?"

"I guess, but we wouldn't know unless we experience it, won't we?"

They decided to leave for a European trip in a couple of weeks. Ironing placements and deals and new arrangements for Jaejoong's sake. If it takes crossing countries to get their fire burning once again, he'd take crossing continents instead.





They had a plane to catch at four in the morning. He sits beside Yunho at the VIP lounge, waiting for their boarding.

His excitement was evident as his face was brightening up, his nerves weren't exactly calm but he kept his composure. The most playful side of him was only for Yunho to see. He was a boss, a conglomerate of some sort and he had an image to keep intact. In a few hours, nobody will be familiar of him and he'd be free.

Maybe, he thinks, that freedom was what he'd been craving.





They greet the cold morning breeze of Amsterdam half a day later. Sore bodies and lungs screaming for some fresh air making them hurry to a local motel.

He throws himself face flat on the mattress as soon as Yunho unlocks the ordinary room. The other settles their stuff on one side and proceeds to freshen up before snuggling beside his boyfriend.

"Hey," Jaejoong whispers into Yunho's ear, "Are you sleepy? Tired?" he receives a hum in response before being locked in a warm bear hug. "I'll take that as a yes." He smiles into Yunho's chest, his arms making its way to wrap around the other's body as well before surrendering to deep slumber himself.

His heart beat so strong that he thinks Yunho could feel it, too. He doesn't mind as long as the other's was on the same rhythm as his.

He wakes up tucked under the sheets, the aroma of brewed coffee hanging in the room's slightly humid air. "So, where do you want to go first?" That happy voice makes him smile, the owner approaches him and hands a cup of black coffee.

"Let's look for places to eat, yeah?" Yunho nods and stays quiet, just sitting in front of him, observing each other comfortably. He shifts and pushes the comforter off of him, reaching out his hand for the other to hold.

His mind was incoherent lately. He didn't know what to say, most of the time. he just acted out what he wanted to do. He never fails to get them because Yunho never fails to understand him.

"Its a little warm outside. Dress up and then we'll go." He gets a kiss on the cheek.





They walk along the brick roads and bridges, hands held tight in anxiousness, as they headed to a local restaurant that claims its spot as the best servers of authentic local dishes.

They eat and talk. Jaejoong revels in the feeling of having Yunho's full attention, without any worries about work and all. He stares at him, smile never faltering and the other randomly reminds him that he loves him.

It felt refreshing; the sweetness, the warming romance, the immaturity, the hint of rebellion and being worry-free. Somehow, it makes him regret growing up too fast but then it wasn't something he had any control over so he lets the thought go.

He gains sight of a boutique and pulls Yunho towards it. They look at the window displays, prostitutes dressed in designer clothes, acting as mannequins. He shivers, the creativity of these people overwhelming him through unusual visuals and attitude.

Yunho pulls him in, wrapping an arm over his shoulder and enters one of them red-painted doors with neon-light signs above them. The designer welcomes them pretty enthusiastically. Jaejoong's surprised at the range of things this one person could do and he feels intimidated at his approach, rather than being friendly.

"Do you want anything, Jae?" Yunho looks to him endearingly and leads him to look around. He spots iconic clothing, obscure artistry, outright vulgar displays and the little things in between. Well, if Yunho asked him what he wants…

He ends up buying quite a handful of the most intricately detailed items from hand-painted canvas bags and shirts to hand-sewn leatherwear and accessories (he knew wouldn't be anywhere else) for both of them.

This reminds him best of the time when they were in their prime. The time when they were just about twenty and looking for ways to make a living. Yunho spent his first real paycheck on Jaejoong's shopping spree. Simple reason he had; sometimes you have to face the worldly reality that not everything that makes one happy is free, its a sad truth but we gotta wrap our heads around it. He adds that it ain't bad to spoil your boyfriend once in a while.

And this was one of those "once in a while's".





Walking further into different districts, falling into more local thrills. Brave enough to stroll in unfamiliar routes.

The central night life was waking up. More people were out on the streets and bars began to make promos for that night, enticing people, locals and tourists alike, to grab some booze and waste the evening away into a new dawn.

"Do you want to grab some drinks?" He shakes his head, "What about we get some back at the room?"

"Well-" He tries to think of an excuse but Yunho beats him to them.

"There's a lot more than booze I'd want to try out while we're here." And he knows exactly what those things are. He gives in, they were here for the adventure anyway.





The night was young. He and Yunho sat outside their rented room and looked at the different kind of life the people around them lead. Some of it were interesting, few of them wild, lots deemed ordinary in their context.

"What if we don't come back?" Jaejoong finally lets himself go.

"I thought, you'd ask." Yunho looks at him in quiet victory, "Well, we never know."

"It feels- I don't know, good is an understatement but its the closest I can get to describing how this new episode is like."

"We're not in a hurry, anyway. Hm? We'll go back when we go back." They kiss under the starless sky, surrounded by neon signs and lights from public shows.





He sits cross legged in between the other man's long legs. Their proximity giving them a chance to observe every little detail on each other's body. Jaejoong softly chuckles, feeling a warm gust of breath on his forehead. He looks up and stares at his lips, traces of stubble above them, and a little mole. He touches his own on them lightly and licks his lips. He wonders how someone has his distinct taste that doesn't change. He wonders, as he stares into Yunho's eyes, how many times he'd kissed him and assumes maybe over a million already but disbelieves it. He justifies that every time he gives in to him it would always feel like the first time.

Yunho takes his time and rests his forehead on Jaejoong's. The night ahead was long, anyway. They kiss, hold hands, let go and cover each other with ghostly touches.

They begin to talk like this every night, quietly clearing things about what had been bringing them apart for the past year or two. Calm and collected, ready to be honest and even more ready to listen and change things. Jaejoong's heart settles by the minute. Burdens lifting from his and Yunho's shoulders. He figures that soon he'd be ready to go back to reality. But then, it wouldn't be so bad to just spend time like this for more nights.





Its been exactly ten days since their escape. It'd been surreal, to say the least. Jaejoong gets the hang of the experiment.





They hop on a plane to Copenhagen on the second week.





And go back a few days after, before sitting on a train to France.





"We'll go back sooner or later, won't we?" He asks one time, Yunho just shrugs. Taking his soft hands, entwining their fingers locked. "I mean, we'd have to go back sooner or later, right?"

"If the time comes that its going to make you happy to go back, then we'll go." All calm, sane must be his middle name.





Over a month had passed. Jaejoong decides its about time he came back down to reality. He thinks that what they'd been doing was nothing more than a mere attempt at escaping what's inevitable.

Yunho tells him that it isn't what he says it is. Nine years into this relationship, it isn't about cold feet keeping them apart anymore but life. Everything that's been changing and going, flowing with their own time like how it's all supposed to be.

To keep standing strong despite it all, well, wouldn't that be enough of a reward? But in this point in time, would that kind of love still be a game to them? Would a reward still be as enticing as it used to be when all he wanted was for Jaejoong to reciprocate that love and trust him enough to give it?

"Yunho," he coos into his ears as they lay back in a small time hotel in Paris, "I'm sorry." Yunho pulls him to lean on his chest, while his back rests against the white wall. Jaejoong believes there's a lot less words to be uttered, if not none.

"You know what I figured all the while we were away?" Jaejoong hums in response, "That maybe, nobody needs to apologize for anything because this is all part of the bigger picture."

"Well, even if you think that, I still feel that you deserve an apology, and I owe you a lot more. All those months I felt so insecure, that any moment you could just decide to leave me because I've been dragging things out without any real effort to tell you anything." Jaejoong encloses the rest of the space between them and sighs. "And you knew just when I was about to give out while I fooled myself with my own pretense."

Yunho plants a kiss on the top of his head, murmuring things as forgiveness for nothing at all, if it would make the worried man feel better. "I love you." Jaejoong looks up at him in time to let the next kiss land on his lips and he smiles into it, "I love you too."





Yunho wonders as the plane lands safely in Korea, if they would've figured things out if they tried to win against the odds while remaining inn this same place, if it really should have taken all those things they've done away from home before they could resolve their deteriorating relationship.

He thinks to himself that he could've just said everything in the beginning of their issues, but would those thoughts even pass his mind at this point in time or earlier if they stayed.

Maybe not. Maybe yes. He doesn't regret a day, a moment, a kiss, anything, anyway. Because if it wouldn't have been that they tried to fix things in ways they never have tried before, maybe, they wouldn't be together anymore.

If things happened differently- differently, in a sense that he didn't take matters in his own hands, he was pretty sure that he would have lost the biggest part of his life possibly, over a month ago when the person holding that part of his life needed him most.



A/N: I swore to never write again but that's a promise I'm willing to break for my sanity's sake. My friends are right, I can't go without letting my frustrations out through fiction. I take back what I said, and its a shame that I even said it.