Shot For Me

Wed, Dec. 21st, 2011 12:59 am
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"I didn't have the heart to hurt you, that's the last thing I want to do.
But I didn't have the heart to love you, the way you wanted me to."
- Drake




The door clicks shut behind him as he walks into the dark penthouse. A man sleeping on the couch jerks into consciousness as he does so. He yawns as he stretched his limbs, getting up from the couch to come up next to the tired man with a look of concern. "Had dinner yet?" He asks, but the other shakes his head. "Come here.” He says, dragging him listlessly to the master bath. He takes his clothes off for him as he prepares a relaxing warm bath. "I'll have dinner ready, hm?" His lips and tongue are captured in a sweet longing tango, hands lingering on his ass. He wishes he wasn't always tired.

Two years is a too short a time to be falling out of love already, and all the more after marriage where you aren't supposed to be falling out.

It has gotten to a point where every day is routine. Jaejoong wakes up alone, the spot his husband slept in already cold. He spends the day doing whatever he deems, distracting himself enough to keep from thinking too much of why they've come to this. And then he waits for him all night, to make sure he's still doing fine. Which he is, but their relationship isn't. Dinner would always be too quiet with heavy silence in the air. And sleep happens after convincing themselves that nothing is as wrong as they think and feel.

"I miss you." He says, and Jaejoong snuggles into his husband's warmth after hearing those words. A kiss on his hair and the sound of him sniffing his scent sends him reeling into a pool of more ‘used-to-be's’ and wishes of how he could somehow get them back into that same excitement.

'You wouldn't miss me if we spent weekends together. You're killing yourself with work.'

"I miss you too," he strains, "Goodnight, love."

He hopes for more. In the least, he wants to know, that he's not the only one.

~

"Useless." Jaejoong mutters before sipping from his cup of Chai Tea Latte, not meeting Junsu's eyes.

"Seriously, you have to start talking. He's your husband! He'll understand you better than anyone, unless your relationship isn't as deep as we actually think it is."

"I feel like I'll end up nagging him about it. I know he's doing this for us but when will he ever think we have enough?"

"I get that but when was the last time he spent time on you?" Junsu asks.

"This isn't always about that, Su."

"I'm not referring to sex alone but you know it too, it will always be part of a relationship, all the more for you. You're married, Jae, in case you forgot because it doesn't feel like that anymore."

Jaejoong stares into nothing, pondering on more thoughts.

"You know, give him an ultimatum or something, if he doesn't start talking ‘till, say, in a week at most. You take the initiative before this takes on worse tolls than you can handle."

He doesn’t answer, but only nods instead, knowing Junsu is right.

~

He waltzes into their cold home to find it empty. No trace of his beautiful husband at all, not even a note of 'just in case he comes home before I do' on the fridge door. He heaves a sigh and slowly walks to the living room, picking up the telly remote to find anything at all to take his mind off of the bugging thoughts multiplying in his head.

~~

He'd been away for too long. Jaejoong is too used to him coming home late to bother staying home until he arrives. He's not the first thing that comforts Jaejoong anymore and he might just be the reason why the other one needs someone else to vent on. He might be losing him too easily.

He relaxes into the couch, figuring out why Jaejoong had always been asleep when he walks in in the middle of the night. The thoughts depressing him quickly. He closes his eyes. Pretty soon sleep takes over him as well.

He wakes up to Jaejoong's face. He’s sitting on the carpet, intent on watching him sleep. A smile automatically greets him as his lips curve into one unconsciously.

"Hi," he says.

"Hi," Jaejoong blows away a few stray hair on the other man's forehead, "Why didn't you tell me you were home already?"

For some reason, he finds himself feeling more guilty. "Jae?"

"Yes, love?"

"You know I love you, right?"

"Do you want to talk about something? Well, you're home early today…"

He thinks maybe, he's got too earn the response all over again.

~

"Well, it's a lot easier to take another thing for granted if it’s boring, right? I- We, apparently, he said we, should start spending time together doing much less typical things. I don't know. Maybe, they’re things we think are foolish but-"

"I would never have deemed your husband to be kinky like that." Junsu grins a little.

"What?"

"It’s obvious, Jae, he wants you to be willing to do more than just rough-"

"Su!"

"Okay, fine. If you don't want to take it that way, then don't. But don't come to me feeling caught off-guard because I'm already telling you that it is, in one way or another, like that. Don't act too over or under your age, man. It’s what married people our age do."

"Saying that, Su, what do you suggest we do to kink up our dying sex life?"

"Oh hey, would you look at that…" Junsu's eyes dart across the room, towards a pair of long legs clad in sweatpants, upward to a well-built torso covered in a white semi-fitted v-neck shirt. He turns to look at who Jungsu is staring at and feels himself flush.

"Su, quit gawking at him, that's rude." Jaejoong says, embarrassed.

"Shut up, just because you can't do it without feeling guilty- Oh! I know! I know what you're gonna do, Jae. Wait here."

The next thing he knows is that Junsu has dragged the man to their table and introduced them to each other saying he was an instructor from that dance school a few blocks away from their compound. "Your boring life found its cure, what do you say?"

"I- Okay, Su. But I have to tell-"

"Deal! Now off you go.” Junsu says with finality, and then turns to look back at the dance instructor. Thank you, Yunho!"

~

"Hey baby, you're quite up and up today, mind telling me why?" His husband slides his arms around Jaejoong’s waist as he prepared a few snacks for their movie marathon that night.

"Well, I was with Su earlier today, right…and he might just have forced me to enroll us into that famous dance school a few blocks from here?" He says without confidence.

"Interesting…"

"You don't like it. That's okay, I-"

"Oh, no, I like it… I just don't want you to see me…dancing."

"I won't. They give one-on-one lessons, you see." Jaejoong chuckles, "You're not any better at it than I am, huh?"

"How about we go there tomorrow, hm?"

"We won't take the same classes, I don't want you expecting me to be doing the same things you're doing."

"WHY NOT?!"

"Su deserves a whole blueberry cheesecake for his hunches." He murmurs to himself.

"What?"

"Nothing. Get these over to the living room for me, hm?" He hands him a tray of nachos with gourmet toppings, as he walks out with him carrying cans of beer.

~

He finds himself in the shopping mall after dropping by the studio the next day, buying proper clothes for training because according to his husband, "Your instructor can't see you in those training clothes you use at home." But he figures it’s not the clothes, Jaejoong can make anything look sexy when he wears it.

~

Jaejoong thinks it’s going to be some sort of hell to be going into it but he can't back down anymore. He wasn't near being graceful, much less not clumsy, and he's now stretching his limbs for jazz dance with Yunho watching him from behind.

"Excuse me," Jaejoong says, "I don't really think it’s nice of you to watch my ass, I can see you staring at it through the mirrors all over the walls."

"Oh, I'm sorry, people usually didn't mind when I do," this Yunho knows too well that he's good-looking.

"Well, I'm sorry to burst your bubble but my husband and I don't appreciate it, and we're not paying for that." Jaejoong hopes his fidgeting wasn't all too obvious, the man was rather intimidating and from the looks of his muscles, it wouldn't be easy to fight him off if he gets on his nerves.

"Well then, what would your husband want you to learn tonight?" Yunho slowly walks to Jaejoong, his voice all friendly, "Jazz, for one thing, isn't all too wholesome, if I may say so. You'd have to remind me once in a while that you're off limits."

Jaejoong doesn't feel good about this.

Yunho thinks he might've come off too strong on the remarkable man.

"Relax, fidgeting won't make this any less tense."

Jaejoong can't, because he is far too intimidated and nervous. His husband was right. And Junsu is to blame.

Yunho, although it makes him guilty for taking advantage of this, likes knowing that he can take control. This man is tied to another but he can't help but take it as a challenge.

~

"Remember that Yunho from last week?" Jaejoong was high on sarcasm that afternoon because Junsu's smile was very greasy.

"How can I forget exactly?" He points out his obvious lust for the man.

"Well, he's my instructor and he's giving me that look you gave him! How am I supposed to learn to dance if he keeps staring at me while dancing? And Junsu, I dance very awkwardly, which makes it more awkward than how awkward I already am!"

"Leave him alone to his thoughts, when he sees you're not interested he'll back down. Nothing turns perverts off more than indifference. He'll snap back to his place. And then, even if he touches you while you dance, it'll be nothing." Junsu says mildly.

And then Jaejoong remembers, there's still ballroom and probably pole dancing because his husband said so. He doesn't want to go back when that day comes around. "But he's pretty nice, aside from all that… He seems the type that's easy to get along with. Too friendly just has to go down to normal friendly, you know?"

Junsu doesn't react any more than just a nod of neutral understanding.

~

He drives to the studio alone that Tuesday evening. He’s not enthusiastic about his husband ditching a class for the first time because he knew it would only give him the confidence to do it again. And there is the added fact that it makes him more vulnerable to Yunho's antics.

Speaking of the devil, (more like the epitome of temptation, really), Yunho appears. "Your man's out today?" he asks lightly. "Might be the perfect time to teach you lap dancing."

"Can you not make my day worse?" Jaejoong responds.

"Breathe in. Breathe out. On second thought, let's do breathing exercises first, hm?" Yunho pushes down on the smaller man's shoulders with his fingers massaging the tension away, not failing to feel Jaejoong’s shoulders cringe at the touch.

"I'm sorry, I thought I'd make it clear already that-"

"Don't be too serious, can you try that? I was kidding. I wouldn't still be here if I worked less than on a professional level. I'll bet you what you paid for this whole program back if I step on the line." Yunho smiled, witty but reassuringly. "If I acted all innocent on you the first day we met, you'd be surprised the moment we get into those dances your husband signed you up for."

"I gotta tell you, nothing you say is making me any less uneasy but thanks for trying." Jaejoong says nervously.

"Is this the part where we ask to start over?"

"Yeah, I guess." Jaejoong releases a lungful of breath and shakes Yunho's hand in his with a smile. Maybe, he was wrong about the kid, he thinks.

~

"Holy shit, you did. You totally did! YOU BASTARD! How was it?" Junsu exclaimed in shock and laughter. He was over at their place at lunch because Jaejoong felt like cooking up an experimental dish. Junsu was the only honest one who'd tell him if it deserved to be made again or forgotten.

"He- Well, he gives hip thrusts a different meaning."

"How exactly did he teach you that without you two getting hard?"

"JUNSU!"

"What? I'm curious! I mean, we've both seen him. You saw how I looked at him-"

"Stared, you mean?"

"Shut up. How am I supposed to not think of him that way?"

“If you already think you know what happened then why am I bothering to tell you?” Jaejoong huffs.

"Tell me… I am begging you. Is it not enough that I finished eating everything you cooked today?" Junsu whines a little.

"Before anything else, I think you have to know that I was very hesitant at first. Then he told me it'll make me comfortable in the next lessons we'll have if we do that first, so…" Jaejoong begins, but Junsu interrupts.

"Pushover." He grins.

"If you don't quit mocking me, I won't tell you." Jaejoong glares at him.

"Are you sure you're- I'm kidding, please go on."

Jaejoong sits on the bar stool across from Junsu at the island counter before narrating the events of the previous night.

~

Apparently, Yunho is charming. He sits on a chair in the middle of the room after putting on a playlist of slow music and then tells his student to sit on his lap while facing the mirror. "Do you think you're sexy, Jaejoong?” Yunho asks. “Don’t let your eyes wander off from the reflection." He says sternly, as his hands linger on the thin man's hips, guessing if it was okay to touch.

"I- Well, sometimes." Jaejoong replies, confidence zero.

"Why not always?" Yunho's voice never wavers. Jaejoong is having a hard time focusing because of the hands that are steadily gliding on his thighs to his knees, pulling his legs apart on either side of his instructor's legs.


"I- I don't really know. I guess, I've learned to not wallow in that kind of attention from others." Jaejoong exhales.

"You mean, you used to play around and tease people with this ass? Why don't you try swaying them, hm?" Yunho says, his voice lowering.

Jaejoong doesn’t know why suddenly he isn't sure if he really looks hot, because the man behind him is daring him to come back out of the shell that he'd curled into upon marriage and it both scares and exhilarates him. He begins moving his hips to the slow rhythm. "Don't look away."

"What else have you done with those hips before? And this?" Yunho says as he lifts Jaejoong up to stand in front of him. "And those legs? Also your waist?"

"I've only done a striptease once, I-"

"You don't have to tell me that, I might get ideas." Yunho grins as he pulls the chair on to one side and grabs another one. "Why don't you sit down right there, and I'll teach you a few things you can try simultaneously. Do you think you're graceful enough to not trip on this chair?" He asks, and Jaejoong shakes his head immediately at that. "Okay, no tricks then."

"Tricks?"

"Don't take that too seriously, it’s just all the turning and tossing and kicking the chair up again with a single motion after knocking it down." Yunho explains in a single concentrated breath. "Keep your posture up, make sure you accentuate your assets or those parts you are most confident about."

“I don’t…” Jaejoong stares at him and Yunho chuckles.

"Come on, how insecure can you get? Fugly bitches can do it even if they don't have the right." And that earns Yunho a laugh.

"Spread your legs." Yunho says, and Jaejoong does. "Lean forward a bit," he adds. "Pretend that chair's whoever you want to do this to. Now follow my lead. If you stop, we're repeating the routine from the beginning. Don't think I'm harsh, I'm saving you from muscle pain because this will stretch your muscles good if you do it properly, but sore if you creep into your shy self."

Yunho, as much as he'd like to ask if it was fine if he strips off his top, decides against it. The only way he'll get slight attention from Jaejoong is if he does things without warning just when the other lets his guard down.

His hips gyrate as he lifts himself off the chair. Bending forward and slowly swaying his hips left to right a few times before his hands begin to wander on his own skin and clothes. Turning around to bend over again and place his hands on the backrest of the chair, he moves on one side and smoothly brings a leg up over the other side, pretending to straddle another man's lap as his hips continue to drag motion and friction.

Jaejoong does everything Yunho does, albeit awkwardly when he tends to reserve himself. To his surprise, he pulls it off.

"It never fails to tease your partner when your hands play with the hem of their shirt, not too long though, it gets boring. And when you see they've been enjoying it far too much… You know what happens next." Yunho takes off his shirt, avoiding looking at the other man in the room directly.

Jaejoong stares openly. Yunho’s skin is pale and his muscles shift and curve easily when he moves. Jaejoong can see hia nipples, which draw his eyes to them naturally. It doesn't help that one of them is pierced.

~

"Something's bothering you." Jaejoong feels a pair of arms engulf him in a warm embrace, the bed is much warmer now but he still isn't all that calm.

"H-huh? N-nothing, just..."

"Tired?"

"Yeah, that. Let's just sleep, okay?"

"Jae?"

"Hm?"

"I know how much I have to make up for you to feel secure again," He was calm, as if tasting each word to prove he means them. "but I'm not doing this just for the sake of it… I really want to save us, because I know you've endured too much for us, too. I love you."

Jaejoong turns to snuggle his head into the other man's neck, wrapping his arms around him tight too and kissing wherever his lips could reach. It felt good to know nothing held his husband back from saying anything to him anymore.

~

Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday go by fine but still awkwardly hot. Brushing off a man who openly shows interest through dancing with you doesn't really easy, especially if said man was (as he had admitted himself) appealing.

Do not snap. Keep distance. Do not snap or it’s a bigger issue. He plays it in his head like a mantra. It's all part of the choreography.

It’s been over a month and a half since they'd started with these classes. Yunho hadn't backed down totally, but was he just normally flirtatious? Jaejoong doesn’t want to think about it but it is distracting.

He falls to the floor at a quick turn, tripping on his own foot.

"You know, you need to focus if you don't want to hurt yourself. You seem lost." Yunho says, watching him. Distracted, Yunho would have loved to say, but that's entertaining the idea that he had an effect on the other man. He'd rather the other admit it indirectly.

"I'm sorry, can we start over this one? Your arrogance is just annoying." Jaejoong snaps, feeling ticked off. He speaks nicely but sarcasm and his very own attitude sometimes get the better of him, like now.

"What did I do? You're the one dozing off into space. I've turned off the music so we could go slowly through it. I thought you'd at least appreciate that I'm adjusting to you."

Jaejoong pulls his hands through his hair and sits in the middle of the room, a scowl on his face. He suddenly wants to throw a tantrum like a three year old.

"Come on, up! Up!" Yunho pulls him to stand, holding on his waist easily. "Take a ten minute break, go see your husband or something. Just get back on time." He resists the urge to slap Jaejoong on the ass. He's already feeling some sort of tension. He should keep his hands to himself but Jaejoong kept triggering him.

Jaejoong goes to the comfort room to cool himself down. He quietly blames himself for being uncoordinated. If he wasn't, Yunho wouldn't need to touch him every time he taught him something new.

Get a grip! Fuck this shit and get back to your husband! Quit wandering around!

He'll lose it if he keeps up talking to himself. Every thought drove him back to how scared he was that he gave a fuck about Yunho. He wasn't half bad, he learned. He was pretty gentlemanly if one thought about it. And he took the liberty to keep out of his personal space. Plus…he's hot.

Jaejoong slaps himself hard. It’s the most stupid thing he's done all day. It hurts.

~

Yunho holds his sides to get him into place, telling him to "Keep your face up, look at your reflection so you see if you're moving correctly." He knees Jaejoong’s legs apart, his hands sliding from his torso to his arms when the dance starts slowly. "Ready?" Yunho asks and he nods. Then he presses up behind him, "One and two and three and four…" He counts slowly as Jaejoong follows in tempo.

Without warning, Jaejoong stops and steps away.

"Are you okay?" Yunho asks, concerned, "Or are you really tired?" Jaejoong shakes his head and stands on his usual spot.

"I'm okay." He says, but he wonders why his heart is pounding.

~

He practices with Yunho watching his every move. Telling him to: "Stretch your arms out," or "Lean forward a little bit." "No, what're you doing?" "Twist to your right. Yes, gracefully." He's always there, keeping him from breaking his own bones. "You need to keep yourself balanced."

Yunho sighs and fixes where Jaejoong's feet should be. And every time, Jaejoong twitches a little when Yunho touches the backs of his thighs, or his fingers tap him on the knees or ankles, telling him to keep it at that angle before moving onto another step.

But never does the dance instructor try anything physical outside the routines.

"Relax," Yunho tells him and he tries harder to be calm. He tries to obey, tries to let himself relax into the movement and the music. When it’s over, he’s marginally pleased with himself.

"You're improving, Jaejoong, but you have to loosen up. I'll see you on Saturday." Yunho says, picking up his own things and waiting until Jaejoong is ready to go.

Jaejoong's husband is already in the lobby when they’ve finished, so he throws his exhausted body on his before they walk to the parking lot side by side, leaving Yunho to watch them walk away.

~

Yunho sighs as he locks up. He is frustrated. It doesn't help that he has no other student to distract him before he goes home alone. It would've helped if he taught a bunch of kids some traditional dances after his sessions with Jaejoong but no, the man had to pick the last shift. He knows this train of thought is dangerous, but he can’t help it.

~

"Babe," Jaejoong quietly disrupts the silence in their bedroom, "I'm a little uncomfortable recently." He sits on the couch on one side of the room as his husband towels himself dry after a relaxing shower.

"Why so?" He responds, grabbing a pair of boxers and wearing them before coming over to Jaejoong.

"Does dancing really involve so much touching? I mean…"

"Well, it involves you using our body entirely, right? Do you want to stop? Find something else we could do?" He kisses him on the lips and then holds him in his arms, an attempt to make him feel better.

"I wouldn't mind if you were my dance partner, though." Jaejoong says in a low voice, vibrating through his husband's skin.

"Then there wouldn't be any dancing happening." He jokes as he carries Jaejoong onto the bed.

"I like the idea but I can barely move my limbs anymore." Jaejoong shifts under the covers. "Honey, there's one more thing…"

"Yeah?" He scoots closer and spoons him in. The mood suddenly turns serious, and he can't move.

"What if the program's done? What happens to us, then?" Jaejoong sighs out his inhibitions. "I'm afraid we'll just go back to the old routine and then all this turns out to be pointless. I wish you'd spend more time with me, you know. Boredom is eating me alive and I'm too young for that."

"I'm sorry."

"And that's what you say every time you get home so late. Its starting to sound meaningless."

"I can't help these building insecurities..."

"Tell me what good I'm supposed to be looking forward to if we still have a future different from this?" He didn't want to break down but he was on the edge. "I can't help but feel like I'm not enough for you anymore. That yes, we're married but I keep forgetting because I can't feel any difference from when we were only dating. There was that time when you make me feel like I'm the most important thing to you but it had gone away fast as it came."

"We've talked about this." His husband sighs.

"We have, yes, how long are you going to keep me waiting for you at night? Waking up alone doesn't feel like being a husband to someone. If you wanted the things I'm doing for you then you could've hired help."

His husband stares at him, and Jaejoong wonders what is going through his mind. But there is still so much left unsaid, so he continues.

"Maybe both of us need to think things through. If what we're trying to save is actually worth it. Give me reasons, love. I love you but none of this is making me happy anymore." He finishes before standing up and leaving the room.

~

Starbucks is becoming his second home and it makes him feel like a loser. The baristas don't even ask his name anymore. Maybe it is a good thing that he orders a variety of things instead of sticking to a favorite. "What would it be tonight, Jaejoong-sshi?"

"A Toffeenut Latte grande, please. Plus that gingerbread snowman, a cinnamon swirl and Kerr's. Plus, these mints." He smiles lethargically. "And water, too, I almost forgot. Oh¡ And no whipped cream on the latte..."

"Alright, sir. For here? Warmed?" A smile lights his face, brightening the whole establishment.

"Yeah, sure, Taemin. Here's a twenty, keep the change. You've been always awesome, you know that?" Jaejoong taps him on the shoulder carelessly. That boy's shift is dangerous, he's too young to be working midnight midweek but he gets by. It’s part of the reason Jaejoong goes there to sober up.

"Uhm, thank you, Sir. But there's a box for charity right there, they need those extras more, don't they?" He explains, as he thinks if Jaejoong is drunk or high or both.

Jaejoong nods and drops the coins in the box, wobbling a bit.

"Sir, are you alright? Would you like me to call your husband to pick you up?"

Jaejoong eyes him, knowing Taemin is concerned boy that doesn’t need to know his issues to ruin his day when it’s about to end this late at night.

"No! Oh no no no no no, that won't be a brilliant idea, you see, he's working and I wouldn't want to disturb him while he's at it. That bastard's having fun working, so I'm gonna have fun and rekindle my teenage dreams." He slurs lazily.

Taemin just eyes him, looking confused, before assisting Jaejoong to a secluded table. "Well, just call me if you need anything else?" he asks, sounding unsure.

"Thanks again, Minnie-ah~" His smile doesn't reach his eyes, that's for sure.

~~

He still comes home to their penthouse, of course, the house was his as much as it is his husband's. But he sleeps in another room. Sometimes he doesn't make it to a bed in his drunken state and if worse comes to worse, Junsu picks him up wherever he is and takes care of him.

Jaejoong had taken advantage of the dance classes to distract himself. Focusing on himself and his own movements seemed to take away a little of the stress he came home to every now and then. His husband hasn't been attending his own classes regularly and it irks him. It is supposed to be their thing but he eventually gave up on it too…for work.

It wasn't like his husband didn’t make any more effort but Jaejoong loved to bask in the attention he was receiving from the man. Those times he'd fallen onto a bed somewhere in their home, he'd wake up in the arms of the man he was supposedly disappointed of. When he'd woken up too late, he found meds and a bottle of water on the bedside table with a note that says the same thing again and again, only phrased differently. 'I'm worried about you. I'll be home soon. Don't get up if your headache's too much. Call me… PLEASE. I love you, don't forget that.'

It is sweet but Jaejoong still feels like they are on a sinking ship. They are drowning in the pressures of time and exhaustion. He feels as if he is waiting to be saved after everything, instead of being the first one to be rescued.

~

It’s another Tuesday, and Jaejoong is learning the basics of ballroom dancing. He picks to learn Tango. He is getting into it, the part where you coordinate your body with your partner's to make it work. It leaves him a little sense of achievement when he doesn't forget the abrupt turns and the twirls. The vigor makes him release the straining tension in his joints and muscles and he feels free. The night ends in laughter and little jabs of teasing.

"He never came back here.” Yunho says. “Why?"

"Work. As usual." Jaejoong answers flatly, uninterested, disappointment dripping in his few words.

"Oh." Yunho nods, understanding that it is best to not ruin the night with this talk. "Oh well, he's here to pick you up anyway." A forced smile graces his lips and he waves goodbye before Jaejoong slips through the exit.

~

Thursday is difficult. "You're hungover again, aren't you?" Yunho asks, a little annoyed. He doesn't like nagging but it proves concern and he knows that these past few months, Jaejoong hasn’t been in shape. He is desperate to fix something vital in his life and yet, he's been left alone hanging while he's at it.

Tango seems to make Jaejoong temporarily happy. He hopes cha-cha will, too. If he didn't know any better, he'd already be hoping to become the other man's outlet. A person to whom he lets his frustrations out through this only thing they have.

"Do you want to get off early tonight?" Yunho asks, sincerity evident as he spoke, "Will ice cream make you feel better?"

"I'm not a girl! All the more, not a kid. Are you really trying to make me feel better?" Jaejoong sniffles, and then his forehead is resting on the other man's shoulder.

"Okay, I'll take that as a no."

"I like ice cream." Jaejoong says in his now nasal voice. Yunho smiles.

At break time, they head out to the convenience store to grab a half-gallon tub of Reese's flavored ice cream.

~

Saturday is still about upbeat dancing. Jaejoong admits he's far more exhausted that week than any other week they've had. His muscles are protesting and he admits that he only laid around all day watching the telly after the lessons.

"You're getting better at dancing, doesn't that feel like a reward?"

"I don't know, I guess."

"Jae," Yunho eyes him expectantly, "Why do you always seem so uncertain?"

"You noticed?" He says, "I did, too." Jaejoong grabs a bottle of water and takes a swig before sitting and leaning on the glass walls, "Ever since this…thing… I never saw myself the same. I had thoughts like; what if I was wrong in getting into this? What if he doesn't like what I made or did or got for him? What if tomorrow he wakes up and leaves the same way but never came back?" Jaejoong shrugs his own uninteresting mental fears off. "Because honestly, it’s easier to say that you understand how it is when the one you love is taking his own big steps forward to make the dreams both of you have, materialize. It’s very easy to say, okay do that I'll support you if it makes you happy, but in the end you forget yourself and wallow in your loneliness." He finishes, feeling suddenly drained by saying it all.

Yunho tries to stifle a chuckle but fails. "I don't care if it makes a difference or not but if I were him, I'd consider you the best thing that's ever happened to me. You're an angel. Don't get me wrong but you've been putting more into your relationship than he has been. I'm not quick to judge, but my thoughts on that come from every time you tell me what's going on, especially when you're hungover and mad at the world."

Jaejoong smiles, a bit sarcastically, "I feel like I lost myself along the way, and because of that, he has lost the person he loved, too. I don't know, it’s really all cheese when you hear it but it would mean the world to me if, even for a day, he'd spend time and forget everything else just for me. It gets boring when you get too understanding and selfless. The thrill goes away for too long that when it comes around, the drama is just exaggerated."

"Well, he has to come around soon enough," Yunho dismisses the topic he shouldn't have breached. It was tempting to be the one saving the damsel in distress when he's this close to you.

~

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July 2012

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